Real Long But I need to vent and i hope some people read...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Nocturnal22, Nov 1, 2008.

  1. Nocturnal22

    Nocturnal22 New Member

    Well i dont know where to start but honestly lately i have been hating my life i am sure alot of people here have said it, but i guess its my turn to vent this will

    be real long but...I hope some ppl read this Cause honestly at points i really dont think its worth it anymore. keep in minde i am 22 yearold guy...See my life I

    guess started ok see i was good with people as a kid i guess i remember being a kid and going to the park from my house it was close across the street so i

    went there when I was bored and just talked to watever kids and made friends hung out sand castles and all that but when i got into my later years 5-8th

    grade i still had friends and all that but i never i guess actually "hung out" with them and in my 5-8th year i started gaining whole middle school

    year was like that never anywhere out of school i hungout with people from my classes I always was at home i guess i just played video games and hung out

    alone and i was ok with it games were my friend xcept for my neighbor friends that i i guess that didnt help any social skills to develop. when i

    began highschool the same thing occured i was really over weight i guess in 9th grade i was probally 5'4 240 then to graduating 12th grade probally 5'8-5'9

    270 and the same thing occured i knew people and i guess had "friends" probally "Aquaintences" more than anything but i never hung out with them past

    school. Now i think In High School is where alot went wrong with me, in 9th grade i had to do stand up infront of the class assignments and i guess that was

    ok but 10th-12th grades it got progressivly worse i couldnt for the life of me get up to do a stand up presentation or anything like that if i had to i ditched the

    class or did watever i could to get out of it I had 0 self confidence with that and still do but worse...I graduated HS but it was horrifying i finally told my mom

    about what i was feeling and went to get medication "zoloft" for my Social Anxiety because of the Graduation Coming up i took it Graduated it went OK i guess

    but i had noone to be with after the graduation cept for my family...I really felt alone so i just left the after graduation group of people fast... but fast foward

    Started College in a community College still Taking The Pills when i started classes not sure if they were working didnt really feel like they were so i just

    stopped going to the doctor and taking them...dont know why maybe they couldve helped but even with them i guess i felt the same... needless to say over

    the course of a year at that college i started ditching and not going and never made friends it was really hard to make friends i had NO idea how to do it so i

    figured there was no reason to try i stopped going to classes and I had to do something so i finally got a job... a job i probally wouldnt have gotten if my

    friends friend wasnt in a position there to give me a jobe there keep in mind noone knows how i feel or what i am feeling I have told nobody not even my

    "closest" friend my neighbor he was around my age... but anyways i got the job it was a decent job but it involved "pitching sales" to people to buy or suscribe

    to things...when i first started i was real nervous sweated alot but didnt start with the "pitching" till about 1 month into it i was pretty ok at it one of the

    better ones doing it but only at famalies or guys but females especially attractive ones i could not hold my self together i would tremble turn red and sweat so

    i pretty much ran when that happend and let someone else take care of them the same same thing happend with ppl that i knew or knew that knew me it was

    wierd i figure it would be the opposite to that, that ppl that i knew it would be easier to help...It was pretty ok but during that time i found out 2 things first

    was alcohol but that wasnt till about a year into work I liked alcohol i took away any fear i got so i used it for that in ceartain situations not to many but later

    on into my second year my "bestfriend"he was the only friend i really had met a girl and introduced me to her(I have never had a Female friend or hung out

    or talked to females even tho i would really like to even till today...) they became BF and GF and we all hung out at times with me and him and her and her

    sisters and friends but never really hung out with all of them with out alcohol in my system it made it easier for me because i thought she was real cute and a

    sweet heart so i couldnt handle being around her and other ppl i didnt really know sober Thats where alot started going down hill with alcohol she liked me as

    a friend and was real sweet so she wanted to i guess get to know me but i didnt no how to act or react she talked about how she would like to say hi at work

    sometimes and i was Real "buzzed" at the time or drunk when she'd ask so i would say yea sure but when she would come at times with my Best friend her

    boyfriend i would get all flushed shaky and sweaty so just turned away or go into the back till they left...then i started drinking at work at my lunch time Just

    in case they would come when more often than not they wouldnt but if they would i could not handle seeing her no one at work new i was drinking i did my

    job well and completely even got afew promotions but Her coming into my life didnt help it Turned me into a Dependent Alcoholic which Suck real bad because

    now Whenever i Leave my house with ppl my best friend pretty much i even feel wierd around him some times because when he mentions her i feel all flushh

    so i HAVE TO DRINK to Deal with it so i drink before i go out...It all started when i met her i hung out with her and all the ppl we hung out with together

    everytime we did i drank because of my anxiety and even though it made it easier i started having memory loss so watever we all did i could never really

    remember alot of it and we never became close i am sure it couldve happened but All my "Problems" prevented it and it sucks its the story of my life i quit my

    job after that it started to stress to much on worrying if she and my friend would come in or anyone else that i knew would come in to work and i didnt have a

    drink...I know it sounds stupid but having that feeling or when they where acutally there sucks and i couldnt say anything about it to them its real hard i have

    no one to talk to about my problems... but now she and my friend broke up me and her and him dont hangout anymore but when i kick it with him i still have

    to drink now pretty much wenever we hang out and i know its messing up my body so i stoped leaving my house xcept for mabye once a week when i have to

    drink when i do...Now i pretty much am alone all the time i have absolutly no friends except for him xcept we dont hang out as much because i am intentionlly

    keeping my self from leaving my house cause i know i have to drink and i know i am not addicted because i have no urge to drink alone or at home its just a

    crutch and a dependence on it when i leave my house and just this all sucks is this it is this my life i am a fat overweight person probally 5'9 280 now and now

    i am not able to leave my house for the anxiety and fear of being in that situation scares me to death of leaving my house without alcohol it was never as bad

    to leave my house like that before i started drinking almost every day to hang out with my friend and his GF god i wish i could just have been born normal i

    hate this feeling i hate this feeling of loneliness and being alone i hate having noone to talk to i hate that i have never been in love or had someone to love me

    i hate never being kissed never being able to hold someones hand or hold a girl in my arms and let her no she is safre or show a girl that she is what i always

    wanted and i hate not having any friends i am scared this is it this is my life i just dont want to be alone anymore and drinking isnt the solution but that all i

    have when i do decide to go out i know it has done my body bad because the first time i stopped for more that a week pretty much not leaving my house for a

    week it felt like my heart was beating real fast... If only i could go to partied or meet ppl or someone and not be scarred out of my mind about it i am starting

    to think this is not at all worth it and what is the point of living now that i have no job and i am terrified of gettin a new one involiving ppl now i dont know

    what to do because i need one I so bad want to go to College an actuall college and do my mom proud and get a good job but i cant...god i just cant and i

    dont know what to do anymore i am not coverd by my moms insurance anymore and dont have one of my own so i cant try pills or anything and i think mabye

    getting inshape might help my confidence but leaving my house or going to the gym just the thought scares me i feel so alone in this i have never even told

    my "best" friend about this I say "best" because he tells me alot but i have not ever told him a single personal thing about me ever or to anyone...I really just

    dont know anymore...I have actually cried some nights over this because i know this is not how i am supposed to be i can feel it but i cant help it... well thats

    really all i have to say pretty much my life story i hope some of you read it, its good to at least tell someone even if they dont talk to me...
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2008
  2. iwadrama

    iwadrama Active Member

    Anyway, if you really think getting in shape might help, you could try getting some exercise tapes or something from the library. I was once told that exercising helps boost confidence because it gets your stress out and makes you feel like you have accomplished something. Eat healthy too, that'll make you feel better.

    As for friends, you could just take it slow. Find someone around you, that lives near by, and just talk to them. Maybe your first buddy, try calling him sometime, just talk on the phone. You don't have to talk in person all the time. Maybe invite him over to hang out at your house if you don't want to leave. Maybe go for walks, say hi if you see someone on the streets. Small interactions sometimes help.

    Being overweight isn't a bad thing. I am on the heavy side too but I don't let it stand in my way. When you see someone, just don't automatically think that they are thinking negatively about you because most of the time they aren't.

    Just stay positive, don't give up. If you ever need to talk, we're here, don't forget that.
  3. Tecky

    Tecky Well-Known Member

    About getting in shape...

    May I suggest joining a support group? Is there a Weight Watchers group in your area? If there is, maybe you could join and participate in their group exercise sessions if they have any. Going for a jog in a group is less terrifying than going for a jog alone.

    On the other hand, seek your doctor's advice about jogging first if you think your weight might be a problem. Some people who are too heavy should not take up jogging at first as that might hurt their knees. So what you could do is order an exercise bike. That doesn't hurt the knees and it is something you could do in the privacy of your home! Once your weight situation improves, you may find it easier to start going to a proper gym.