Sometimes my real self breaks through the drugs and then I feel like shit and have to say it. I don't worry anymore. I haven't worried for months, apart from when I forget to take my pills for a day and then I start to slip into the abyss. It's an incentive to remember. But I know it's just putting off the inevitable. I am essentially blocking out myself. I am so unhappy and I just can't feel it because medication switches it off. Then I think I'm ok and I might get better until a surge of rage comes from nowhere and I can't hear anything or understand anything else. It would be ok if I could contain it but when I get angry it fills the room. This is second only to what happens if real me makes it to the surface when I'm alone- then I want to tear out my own heart to make this pain stop. I don't fit in the world. I feel like shit today.