Is there really any chance of proper medical help in the UK or would I just be filled with drugs(if I was lucky). Since my redundancy I cant see any way out apart from death now. I would like to live sometimes though,its just that I cant see any solution to my problems now and I have f**ked up my life too much.I still like spring and seeing new life,I like to walk in the countryside.I still even like Christmas and all the atmosphere.There are other things at times even for a loner like me with no family. You see once you've been unemployed for years no one want to hire you so the shame and humiliation increases yet almost every paper I see talks about the unemployed like they are all lazy bone idle scum watching TV all day making me feel even more guilty.I have never even claimed any benefit as I could not face the shame and have been living off my life savings which diminish every day.When they get to zero I think that's the end. I used to walk a lot to clear my head. Now I can barely leave the house.I drink every night,take painkillers(used to take them daily for joint pain and never stopped)and have this large heavy book which I sometimes in moments of despair late at night bang against my head until I almost pass out. I saw that suicide film about the golden gate bridge last week. I cant get it out of my head watching that long haired guy walk up and down and trying to find the courage to jump.I went to some cliffs a few weeks ago but my fear of heights was too much to even get near.It was incredibly sad but the worst thing was the thought that many of them probably would not even be noticed.