Real support vs simply giving hugs

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SuicideIsTheWrongOption, Mar 26, 2010.

  1. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    I'm very curious how many of you even know what real support is. Don't ask me, i'm not Albert Einstein or a psycho analyst although i think i've met a few on this site. If you want to know, try a few other support sites and tell me the differences you see, then you'll get what i mean.

    Often it's the people who cry the loudest who get the most attention, but that doesn't mean they're in any way the most troubled. Those who often need the real help get a simple :hugtackles: and then everyone leaves them to deal with their own problems. Now i'm not saying you guys need to be geniuses, you don't have to say that magic 1 line that makes the person feel all better; but i see that often those who write extremely outlandish statements; statements that in no way adhere to the personality they had so far portrayed are the ones who get the most attention. Sometimes, just like a good school professor will do, if you copy and paste small segments into google, you might find that not only did they plagiarize, they didn't even take the time to rewrite it into their own words.

    Granted some people need attention, and it's good to give it to them, but when someone's issue is they need attention and will write outlandish things to get it, at the expense of someone who may actually be suffering, may have actually performed these said "outlandish" events, and they go unnoticed; i don't think that acceptable.
    I've never been to a forum that doesn't have attention and those are the people who are often satisfied by having as many people post hugs as possible, the more posts they get, the happier you make them.
    Some people need more than a hug, especially if you don't even know them, and say things like "i'm your friend" even though it's the first time you've ever seen them post. you can't be their friend after having only read one post...or you don't know what friendship means. :irony:
    how about instead of just saying, i'm your friend, or you can always PM me, try forming an actual relationship, talk to them about your past, tell them how you can relate, get to know why they feel this way, and see if you can find a positive way to push them in a direction that'll solve their problems. Granted some of you do this, and i'm glad we have people like you on this site, but many of you think that support means :hug: and then disappear.

    I don't know how many of you are completely satisfied about posting your problems, pouring your heart out, saying things you'd rather not say, expecting understanding, an acknowledgment that someone understand, and are happy to have a complete stranger say i'm your friend :hug: . For some of us, that's not good enough, if that's all it took, i'd probably never have any problems to begin with.

    I never really cared to start an unjustified fight. I'm not naming names, and i'm not gong to debate this. I've had alot of time to browse the forum the last two days and to visit other support sites...and i've realized, some get it right, and some don't...and this one needs alot of work.

    Like i said, this doesn't apply to everyone, but i like how more than half of you consider a :hug: to be the best support you can give.
  2. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Sometimes people don't know exactly what to say so they just give a hug to show that they are at least listening. Its better than just completely ignoring the person and not even responding to what they said.
  3. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    This forum shows that a :hug: can go a long way.

    For some people, including me, this forum has been like a life line. I agree - sometimes you dont always know the right thing to say but still want that person to know you care and are there if they want to talk so by sending a hug or a short message saying they can PM you, your showing them that you are there for them x
  4. TWF

    TWF Well-Known Member

    I generally agree. Usually the best way to go about helping others is talking about any similair past experiences you've had, how you can relate to them, any ideas you have and generally just sparking a conversation. That makes others feel comfortable and welcomed, if you don't do that, don't expect to be listen to. Nobody needs an angry lecture from a stranger.
  5. LotusFlower

    LotusFlower Antiquities Friend

    Sometimes I think people may not know what to say or how to say it. I do allot more reading then posting. I don't post allot because I am afraid I will sound like a hypocrite. Because how can I give more than a hug to someone when I feel like doing the opposite of the advice I would be giving. How can you give advice or real support to someone when doing so makes you a hypocrite? So sometimes yes I just give a hug. Once in awhile I post, or answer posts. That is just IMO I hope I don't tick anyone off.
  6. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member



    Seriously, I see where you're coming from but like others have said; sometimes people don't know what to say so they just do what they feel is the only thing they can do at that point which often is comforting people by hugging them. Also, people here are often down in the dumps, unfortunately, and are therefore not always able to think as clearly as is needed to really help someone properly e.g. in the ways you mentioned.
  7. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    You said it yourself, we're not professionaly trained. Almost everyone here have their own issues to deal with. With so many members here, asking someone to open themself up everytime is draining to say the least. I'll like to see you try to help every single members. If you're seeking "real support" may i suggest professional help? If you're seeking for someone who can relate and maybe form a bond then this is a fine place to be.
  8. SuicideIsTheWrongOption

    SuicideIsTheWrongOption Well-Known Member

    meh, i used to try to help people, and somehow it's brought me nothing but trouble.

    So for the time being, it's best if i ignore all of them entirely.

    I never said you personally had to go to each and every person and write you life's story over and over again, sometimes it's better to make a connection with a few people, because that'll help them more, than to read and hug everyone.

    Plus i hardly need support from this place, tried that, didn't work out so great, but it's ok, i've got my own life line if you will. I'm just saying i've seen the people with real troubling issues often go unanswered or responded with :hug: s.
  9. perry_mason

    perry_mason Well-Known Member

    OP you make some good points but in a way i agree with 'Kankuro' - "Sometimes people don't know exactly what to say so they just give a hug to show that they are at least listening"

    i personally hate those hugs (and always will, sorry!) but i can understand how that can be a comfort to some people - something is better than nothing i guess.

    on a site like this its difficult to know what to say exactly. even if you a suffering in the same way as somebody else posting, its still difficult to know what to say.

    this site in general has been a lifeline to me but i dont think anybody has really offered me real support either. i have only asked for help when ive really, really been suffering because im too embarassed otherwise (or sometimes ive asked for help because i was way too drunk and pilled up to know when to keep quiet!) and a few people replied in what i imagine was the best way they could so i dont hold it against them or this site but it hasnt helped me personally.

    like i said, on topics such as depressions, suicide ideation, SH, other abuse, etc its difficult to offer help and advice etc.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I can see many good points in the original post. But I'm also guilty of replying to some posts with just a :hug: Sometimes I don't know what else to say, but I want the person to know I'm listening.
  11. nagisa

    nagisa Staff Alumni

    Exactly. Sometimes I'm not sure what to say or think that what I want to say will be taken the wrong way but I still want that person to know I'm there and heard what they're saying.
  12. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I'm guilty of this. When i'm feeling so lousy and drained that i cannot write, i often do the hugs as i'm incapable of engaging or communicating. I don't want someone feeling alone, and my hope is they realize at least someone's not my preferred way to interact, but perhaps it helps a little, and at least the person knows i am reading/following their thread or that i heard them. My hope is also, if things get bad for them, they'll at least feel they can approach me if they need someone to talk too or someone who will listen. i have had people feel they could approach me when i've done's a small icebreaker i guess.

    When i'm doing fair or better, I have no trouble engaging with someone.

    For me personally, I usually don't need advice and most definitely do not need someone telling me i should not feel the way i feel. What is most helpful for me, is simply someone acknowledging my feelings, letting me have them, not questioning them, and letting me know they hear me. i'm really quite simple...funny, it's rare i get that. When i feel totally out of it, i cannot hear any advice. Maybe a reminder to eat and drink...beyond that i don't hear anything. Were i asking advice it would be different and i would not be opposed to ideas/suggestions etc.

    At times i must refrain from interacting, otherwise i'd find myself commiserating with them and likely we would both feel worse.
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    after reading your post I'm a little afraid to answer any more threads....
    some people don't like to hear someone elses history as much as some don't want just a simple hug.....gets hard to know what to do sometimes....
    as others have said when we are down ourselves or not sure what to say a hug is just to let someone know we are hearing them and we're here....
  14. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    you know i have had many times that i poured my heart out to people in an attempt to let them know i understand where they are coming from. i usually then try to offer a suggestion as to something that may help. i am thinking of one particular recent post i made, it was quite the extensive reply, and it fell on deaf ears. they didn't want to hear what i had to share. i guess my sharing this is only to express that not everyone wants the help as you suggest. if one would like it i would suggest they ask so their replys are more specific. i know most here are in a great deal of pain themselves and have a hard time talking, sharing, or extending a hand. personally i at least appreciate the gesture of a hug. i'll know i've been heard. which is just generally what i would be looking for is all. that is just me. maybe it would be better for people to express a little clearer exactly what they need so we may try to meet them right where they are. enough said. take care
  15. ladycathy1

    ladycathy1 Active Member

    I have the experience of having a "friend" who wanted to P.M. me and then quit being there for me. I know everyone has their own issues. I felt like this person could at least told me that I was not going to be their friend. I can't afford to go to therapy thanks to my insurance. I don't have many friends who hang around me. I have a lot of health issues besides deep depression. When you have trouble with trust issues and someone does not even tell you why they don't want to talk to you anymore. I get where I don't trust others about their so called friendship. To me I just would rather be dead then deal with life anymore. Hugs without feelings behind them don't mean a lot to me. I have been abused by a now ex-boyfriend who I thought loved me. I have had to deal with issues of a father who touched me when I was younger-yet my mother stayed with him until he died. I was always the one she thought lied to her. It was only after he was caught touching my youngest sister-did she believe. No jail time just therapy for him. He was told by his therapist it was my mom's fault for his bad behavior. I have been ready to go be next to my dead husband for a while now. I have been saving medications without anyone knowing. I try not to tell people a lot of empty promises about they will get better when I know I have not. I have been on so many antidepressants and even a few antipsychotics medications to help but why fight any more. I would like to have someone to call me a friend and stick by me. I know that is too high of an expectation for a person to call me a friend. I have a hard time being my own friend. They say if you want someone to like you then you must like yourself. I can't look in the mirror and like my self so I must be doomed. The animals are put down when they are in pain so why can't I have the same respect of an animal? Why live in a world where it is a state of constant pain and depression? NOBODY CARES.
  16. Mat Voleido

    Mat Voleido Well-Known Member

    Sometimes it is hard to know what to say.

    But I generally agree. If I read a thread and I don't know what to say, I'll talk a little bit at least, rather than a simple :hug: . I mean, the smily has it's own merits, for sure it's better than nothing, but when someone in crisis spends 30 minutes to type out a huge post, and receives only :hug: , it's often mis-interpreted. I don't try and type a "token" line, but just things like you can talk to me, or offer to vent or talk VIA PM or just talk about something or try to cheer them up. It's not hard to put a tiny bit of effort in and find a good youtube clip or type something up. Especially if you're in a good place; you can help alot of people. Of course, with the nature of this forum it's hard to tell what to do most of the time. I guess the best you can do is put in a little effort; if you really did, the person reading will be able to see it. I guess that's the kinds of posts we need more of.
  17. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Support is fleetin and overrated
  18. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    I can only echo everyone else and say that I will give occasionally respond with something very short and a hug because I'm not sure exactly what to say. On threads that I post, I at least know people are listening even if I just get a hug in response.
  19. silent_enigma

    silent_enigma Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I don't know what will help others cuz I don't know what will help me. Altho I often don't reply if I'm clueless. Except in this case!
  20. pinkpetals33

    pinkpetals33 Well-Known Member

    Well said. The pm's and hugs get annoying.