Reality Is Hitting Me

Last night my fiance reminded me that he is only down here now for another week or so. Then when he goes home my parents are going on holiday. I am not ready to be alone. I feel awful. I have made a lot of his time here hell. I have not really been interested in the bedroom either. Maybe he has been babysitting me. I am a useless fiancee. Useless and selfish. I do not deserve him. I think I now know what needs to be done in my week alone.

 

Lexibubble. You are not useless and selfish. You have been spending time with Ben, and i'm sure he's been happy to be with you.

you will be strong when your parents are away I know it, and if you feel bad you know where I am!

Love you lots :wub:

 

I am useless. I have made him paranoid. He is worried that at any given opportunity I will try to kill myself. That is not my definition of a good time.

 

You are not worthless hun You are ill that all and we all feel like you do hun sometimes I hope youcan set up web cam so you talk to your bf or your parents even while you are on your own. Can you plan things to keep you busy so you do not feel so isolated hun Talk to your doctor again hun and see what else can be done maybe you can go to crisis house for awhile just to keep safe while you are on your own if they have such a place where you live hugs

 

hun u can always come here so u wont be "alone". try to go for a walk in park or something. exercising is good. and ur fiance is supposed to be there in good and bad moments. try to find some motivation to improve the way u feel. :hugtackles: :flowers:

 

I dont have anything to keep myself busy or motivated. Fiance will be busy studying for an exam and where my pwrents are going there are no computers. I dont want to cam with them anyways. I am going to be totally alone and isolated and its great because I can get done what needs to be done without any interruptions or anyone finding me.

 

what will that do to your fiance and your parents how will thier lives unfold without you in it hun. Better for you to go get help okay go to hospital and sign yourself in to stay safe until your parents come home.

 

No one ever takes me seriously TE. All they will do is just send me home say they will get my counselling because it's all because of my past I feel suicidal according to them. That may be true but how can I ever get better when I can't even fucking get counselling or CBT because they just reject the referral and my CPN not even turning up when I really need to talk.

 

:hug: Lexi

Keep us posted about what's going on with you. We're reading!

P.S. Your CPN not showing up and your referrals being rejected is horrendous! Can you file any complaints or ask why this is goingon? Also, hope things get better with your fiancee. Good luck! :thumbup: Big thumbs up from me!

 

I think I will make some sort of complaint. What I dont get isbthat when I was 15 after I tried to kill myself my treatment was CBT and I was an avid self harmer I used to cut nearly every day and 6 years later my scars are still clearly visible. Yet the wankers rejectes my referral because I had taken about three overdoses which was not with intent to die just to punish and that I had self harmed twice the first time in about flipping 4 years. If anything I am in a worse state now than I was when I was 15 and I had all the help possible then so why not flipping now when I am a complete mess? I am sorry for ranting but what can I do really? I could go to a&e but why should I? Why should I make the effort when no one will be bothered to takenme seriously?

 

Dam i understand the dam system is so fffffff up it is Unfortunately you have to fight to get help hun You have to make yourself heard I don't understand why this system is failing so many but it is. If you cannot get help from your doctor the people that are to help you then you go to a differnt hospital you go outside your surroundings that is what i had to do for my daughter until someone did help hun You go to the emergency and you telll them you need inpatient care and support and therapy to get you on the path of healing make them hear you hun TAKE a pt advocate with you to get t hem to fight for you and your right to treatment hugs

 

You deserve to reap the benefits of the health care system, however resistant the people involved may be when dealing with you. We want to see you do well, Lexi. :hug:

 

Thanks guys. I have been in a flap all day. I feel a lot calmer now guys so I thank you very much for your advice :hug:

 

Lexiiii, I just want to remind you like so many others that are your friends as well have said that you are not useless and I believe it is your mind being mean to you and telling you lies. I am here for you hun if you ever need to talk and you know how to get in touch with me if you ever do and that always goes without saying! I know the situation you are going through isn't easy but hang in there and things will certainly pick up and get better and life will treat you with what you deserve but in the meantime you have us and aren't alone. Big :hug: to lovely lexi :hug: :wub: