For several weeks I have felt at least average. Not paticularly bad but not particularly happy either. But this is only because I haven't had to deal with reality. When I've done enough to get my fucking family off my back about getting a job or when I can avoid any real need to evaluate where I'm at and especially if I can avoid the reality of just how lonely I am, I can maintain at least some sense of normalcy and not be the pissed off person I am. But that never lasts. Now I'm nervously waiting to find out if I can get a job that any high school kid could do. Something that is seasonal and part time. Just because there is nothing else. I'm never good enough. Lonliness is back because I went to a party this weekend with old friends 3 hours away and now I'm back in hell where I have no one. I just can't function in reality. Everything comes down to money.