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Really, Again?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by noPoint, May 11, 2010.

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  1. noPoint

    noPoint Well-Known Member

    This feeling never leaves.

    I've came to a point in my life where I just do not care about anything. I've chased my dream but that will not happen. All I do is think about sex, and I'll never get a girlfriend because I'm a fucking loser.

    Everything I say about myself is fucking negetive. The only time I have ever been happy was when I was a little kid, or whenever I was on some drug. If it were up to me I would never do shit, I would sit at home and get money from my parents and just use drugs and get drunk every fucking day. That's all I can do with this life. There is no point to try when nothing gets better. It's like people do not understand that. The only reason a person continues to pursue something is because they get better, but nothing ever changes for me.

    I had to go to a pysche ward to get the fucking drugs I needed because of my anxiety, but then they just take them away. I literally cannot live like this. And for some reason I think that me finding a girlfriend would help me, but it fucking wouldn't. How could somebody else make me feel better about myself?

    I don't understand why. Why do I feel like this? This life is unforgiving, it's just not fair. It's really only a matter of time, I cannot go back and forth like this, just pretending.

    And it's funny. Because amungst the few people I do know, I'm the man, I'm the fucking man. I'm the man who can't get a bitch, excuse my language, but I'm the man. I'm the mother fucker people are always turning to, I'm the mother fucker who makes people laugh, I'm the mother fucker who people try to get attention from. I fucking hate myself. I'm a failure. Winners don't resort to drugs, winners don't end up seeing 6 different doctors ultimately leading to being registered to a pysche ward. Winners just don't do that. I'm a fucking loser. I've lost at everything I've ever fucking tried. I failed dude, this whole shit is pointless. I can't even stay depressed, I can't even stay happy, I can't even stay anxious. Every day is a fucking surprise that either leads to me wanting to die, or leads to me being fucked up to the point where nothing matters. I'm everything I fucking hate. Anxiety has ruined my fucking life.

    I just cannot live like this. I cannot keep crying and being self loathsome. The only reason I'm not a virgin is because a friend of mine payed a hooker for me to fuck. This life is a fucking joke. I literally need drugs, like I need drugs for piece of mind, for me not to want to kill myself, that's the only thing that works. Basketball don't even do shit. I find it hard to even watch basketball sometimes because I feel that that should be me. And I'm the mother fucker just sitting there watching it, depressed, drunk, high, with a bunch of fucking friends who are losers. Losers in the way I'm a loser, because we all hate ourselves. And that's why mother fuckers love me, because they see me and know how fucked up I am, I'm like a nerd. I've been put on this Earth so other mother fuckers can feel better about themselves. I'm that mother fucker who can't get a girl, I'm that mother fucker who want's to die, I'm that mother fucker with an attitude who doesn't let mother fuckers walk on, I'm that mother fucker who acts like he doesn't give a fuck, but deep down does, I'm just that mother fucker.

    I seriously wish that everybody who has what I feel I deserve would die, miserably and slow. I wish I could be the one who did it. Everybody I know is on some depressed shit, everybody. I don't even care about basketball anymore. I'm sick of exersizing to feel better, I'm sick of this challenge. Life should not be this hard. Instead of finding a way to get paid, I'm stuck thinking about how much I hate myself. I find myself just sitting for hours at a time thinking about how much I hate myself instead of getting up and doing laundry, getting out, working out, cleaning my shit up, washing my car, all I do is think about how pathetic I am because of my anxiety.

    Everything is negetive. How am I supposed to be positive when everything I see is negetive. What am I supposed to do? And that shits retorical because there is nothing I can do. I'm me. There aint no shit that can change that. That's like telling somebody with a great personality to just quit being like that. It's impossible, sooner or later that great personality is going to rear its beautiful head. Same with me. How can I change my anxiety and personality? I can't, it's fucking me. I just want to die dude. I'm literally ready to die. All I ever really wanted was a wife and kids. But that shit will never happen to me, it's just something that will not be. I'm literally ready to die, I don't know if I'm ready to do it myself, but with the way I ended this college semester, the drugs I've began to use again. My actions show that I do not care anymore. Life is just pointless to me...
  2. kdslaz

    kdslaz Member

    i smoked a few joints, popped some pills & one drunk night in Hawaii i even snorted a line & rolled around a motel room till dawn with a soldier & two barmaids... hmmm but i saw my "friends" who couldn't hold a job & would thieve & pawn the goods to get money to buy drugs instead of gettn off thier butts & tryin to make a better life... booze was it for me then while in the military cuz then i didn't have to worry about the piss test... but i was drunk everywhere... every port we hit it was hop a cab to downtown & get plastered what a freakn waste i missed out... was throwin my money away in a daze & things in the real world weren't gettin any better. a "friend" one morning said damn, my head hurts, my dick hurts & i'm broke... i musta had a good time! finally it was like whats the point if i don't remember what happened & the hangovers started lasting 2 days so the bad was outweighing the good so now i very rarely partake... i know partying doesn't solve anything it only makes life worse... so lighten up on it dude & get laid... everyone can find someone... yes you can i guarantee it you might get turned down but eventually someone will say lets go! there are all kinds of people from all walks of life in all shapes & sizes who have partners... you can too... hell if it'll make you feel better, ill do you :)
    i kinda envy you, believe me, things could be worse.
    Last edited by a moderator: May 11, 2010
  3. noPoint

    noPoint Well-Known Member

    There's nothing to envy.
  4. kdslaz

    kdslaz Member

    np, i think, if im not banned first, ill be a little more careful how i try to get my point across in the future... i might have read your post wrong.. i was trying to respond in kind... but REALLY there is always ALWAYS something to envy :) this might be lame but think of a glass of water if you sprinkle in a little dirt it's still water, keep goin it gets a little cloudy but you can still drink it. so you just gotta balance what goes into your cup make sure you're gettn plenty of the good stuff positive reinforcement & what not... me, if i'm in a situation that's bringin me down i change it cuz i don't need that & neither do you or anyone else... i leave or move or switch jobs or whatever it takes to surround myself with people who lift me up or at least not around people who put me or other people down. anyway man you have friends... more then i can say, what a friend too cuz i had to pay for my own first time in san diego :) & you have your life ahead of you so you can make it whatever you want, you never know... we all get shot down don't take it personally it's their loss you will find someone to be with... go watch a comedy & smile man... if you were close by, i'd take you out myself.
  5. noPoint

    noPoint Well-Known Member

    If an Admin banned you on a suicidle forum for "offensive" language, or "offensive" terms, you might as well call this bubblegumdropforum.com.

    But there really is nothing to envy, at all. I can understand that maybe you can identify with a few things that are wrong with me, and the reason I hate myself. Maybe that makes you feel like you're not alone, or maybe I'm completely wrong, I truely don't give a fuck, because it's only a matter of time before I can't take no more. There is no amount of nothing on this world that could change me from being ME. This shit is a fucking joke.
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