I sit here with my alcoholic beverage and a laptop trying to find reasons to go on. But I cant. Im a freak, a loser. Im not worth the skin I currently reside in. I dont know whats its like to actually be happy. Ive known pain since I was 5. Thats when he first touched my special places. That went on for a few years. Since that things have only gotten worse. Whats the point in pain and suffering? Why are we here? I know people who have suffered much less and much more. But really, whats the point in all of it? Are we just pawns in an eternal chess game? IS there something out there? Of course these are philosophical questions that cant be answered. But I want some refuge from the pain. Some respite from the lifetime of suffering. There just doesnt seem to be a way out. I read plenty of posts here from people desperately seeking something, anything but the pain. Is there anyone out there who can answer or help with this? I dont want to die. I have a beautiful daughter and good friends. My daughter is the only one keeping me from ending it all. Im not trying to be melodramatic. Though I am sure I am being just that. Its just that Im tired of going on. Its very bothersome to pretend to be happy for the mases anymore. SO again, any answers out there?