I feel as if i'm walking around in a daze, like nobody would notice if I was gone anyway. Getting scared about doc appointment on monday. This may very well be the last days of my life. I've got everything in order and all my supplies hidden. So sometime next week it will be the end. my husband works 12 hrs night shift so after he has left i'm alone. what I have planned should work in 12 hrs. I don't want to be found and rushed to ER , so it better kill me before he gets home. Everyone says there is so much to live for, But I don't think that way Life is hard. I have been in physical pain since I was 16 now I'm 38. To top it all off I have developed some other type of problem that they can't figure out. I've allready been told nothing can be done about my spine problem, that I've been dealing with for 22 yrs. Now for the past 7 months I've got some other crap, this is too much to handle. I don't understand WHY I was put here to live this torture. Meds are not the answer , either I can't function on them or the don't work or they stop working after a while. I don't even know why I keep going to doctors they get so crappy when they can't fix me and just say there is nothing more I can do for you. I want to say yes there is give me something to end it . But if you say that you end up in some stupid psych ward , I'm not crazy and I think you should be able to kill yourself if you want to, for certain reasons of course debilatating physical or mental. Not because someone broke up with... , or my parents won't let me...., Yes I think some suicide is justifiable. Mine being one of them. I've been homeless, beaten, Lost 2 children, and pushed thru all of it with out even thinking about suicide. But now this is way too much to handle. I'll probably keep writing stuff here untill I do it. Nobody else cares to here this anymore, people have even stopped asking how i'm doing. 5 more days til I see the new doc. But, I have very Little hope that anything will happen. I've finally wrangled up enough money so my husband can pay for my funeral. I've sold stuff, cashed in retirement , and he can sell my car if needs to. This sucks I didn't want to go out this way, but there is no other way , I can't live like this , so I have to end it.