really bad today

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mittens1124, Sep 7, 2011.

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  1. mittens1124

    mittens1124 Member

    I feel as if i'm walking around in a daze, like nobody would notice if I was gone anyway. Getting scared about doc appointment on monday. This may very well be the last days of my life. I've got everything in order and all my supplies hidden. So sometime next week it will be the end. my husband works 12 hrs night shift so after he has left i'm alone. what I have planned should work in 12 hrs. I don't want to be found and rushed to ER , so it better kill me before he gets home.
    Everyone says there is so much to live for, But I don't think that way Life is hard. I have been in physical pain since I was 16 now I'm 38. To top it all off I have developed some other type of problem that they can't figure out. I've allready been told nothing can be done about my spine problem, that I've been dealing with for 22 yrs. Now for the past 7 months I've got some other crap, this is too much to handle.
    I don't understand WHY I was put here to live this torture. Meds are not the answer , either I can't function on them or the don't work or they stop working after a while. I don't even know why I keep going to doctors they get so crappy when they can't fix me and just say there is nothing more I can do for you. I want to say yes there is give me something to end it .
    But if you say that you end up in some stupid psych ward , I'm not crazy and I think you should be able to kill yourself if you want to, for certain reasons of course debilatating physical or mental. Not because someone broke up with... , or my parents won't let me...., Yes I think some suicide is justifiable. Mine being one of them.
    I've been homeless, beaten, Lost 2 children, and pushed thru all of it with out even thinking about suicide. But now this is way too much to handle. I'll probably keep writing stuff here untill I do it. Nobody else cares to here this anymore, people have even stopped asking how i'm doing. 5 more days til I see the new doc. But, I have very Little hope that anything will happen.
    I've finally wrangled up enough money so my husband can pay for my funeral. I've sold stuff, cashed in retirement , and he can sell my car if needs to. This sucks I didn't want to go out this way, but there is no other way , I can't live like this , so I have to end it.
     
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are not feeling well. Sending you hugs with warmth and caring. :hug: ~ Alex
     
  3. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    You are a strong person. Just make sure you know what you are doing. :hug:
     
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    we love you here
     
  5. mittens1124

    mittens1124 Member

    Back here again, full of emotions, scared, angry, and somewhat relieved.

    Worried that my plan of exit will fail, but it shouldn't. I tried 3 other methods

    about a month ago that failed, that is why I am worried. I was not caught

    trying any of them and no damage, I have just 1 other method if this one

    fails. But I really don't want to do that one. I would say by this time next

    week I should be dead. Unless some miracle happpens and they figure out

    whats wrong. It's a Long drive to the Mayo clinic for me, dreading the

    ride home probably with another I can't help you, there is nothing we can

    do. But thats allright I'm prepared for the worst and hoping for the best.

    With my luck it will be the worst, not much "good" has come my way, so

    I'm kindof used to it. This sucks!!!!!!
     
  6. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Hang on, dear. I'm afraid I don't know how else to help you, but reading about your sadness is simply heartbreaking. I know it can be hard because when I am feeling really really bad it seems like my life won't ever ever ever get better. I usually just curl up into a ball and cry and cry and cry. I can't stop and I can hardly breathe and it just feels like torture. But one thing I noticed is that once I stop, once I go on and do something else, move forward... the pain (that seemingly comes from nowhere) fades slowly until I can barely feel it anymore. It always comes back, I know, but it also recedes. So maybe if we could focus on the times it doesn't hurt so much, we could maybe get through this and slowly make our way to a happier place where we can get help.
     
  7. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    The spinal problem, what have they told you is wrong that cannot be fixed? Is it actually true that it cannot be fixed or do they just not want to do the surgery? I have overdosed on several different occassions to stop my spinal pain, I guess what I really can't handle is when it goes up into my neck, jaw, and gives me a horrific headache.

    Have you tried spinal decompression and exercising to alleviate the pain? It takes a little time to work, but the end result is amazing.

    If nothing else works, have them to give you duragesic patches or something like such to calm that pain down. That stuff stops pain dead on it's tracks.

    If your doctor doesn't want to cooperate with a treatment plan that works, I would just bluntly say, the pain has been more than I can cope with, if I cannot get the relief I need, that I am going to end my life.. They will take you a bit more seriously at that point.

    Hopefully the Mayo clinic will be able to help you.
     
  8. toopainfultolive

    toopainfultolive Well-Known Member

    Pray that the clinic will be able to help you.
     
  9. mittens1124

    mittens1124 Member

    Bad anxiety today, Thinking about monday. I"ve had to wait 2 months for this

    appointment. all kinds of crazy thoughts going thru my head ,what if my car

    breaks down, what if i don't get there in time, most of all what if nothing

    can be done. I feel like screaming , my damned anxiety meds are not working!

    What if I have cancer, or some rare funky disease that like only 1 other

    person in the world has had and you live a horrible painful life. you know

    I really don't want to kill myself, But I can't live like this. I know people all

    over the world live with illness and disease's and there are alot of them

    worse than I am, I'm sure. I'm my Fathers Daughter ,god rest his soul. 6 yrs

    ago my dad died from a massive stroke. He had a bad stroke 7 months

    before he died. He couldn't deal with the disability and not being able to

    function, so he stopped taking his meds(that were basically keeping him alive)

    and died a week later. what I'm saying is I am just like my father don't want

    to live like this neither did he. I miss my dad but understand why he did it

    and don't blame him at all. hoping I can sleep better tonight, had nightmares

    last night someone was chaseing me trying to cut me up??? Now I'm getting

    paranoid that my husband will some how find my supplies for my exit, don't

    konw how to explain that one if it happens. I feel like a criminal or something

    weird.:mug::Jumpy::eek::confused::eek:hwell:
     
  10. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Greetings! Just popping in to wish you good luck at your appointment Monday. R.I.P. your dad. ~ Alex
     
  11. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I have wanted to end my life so many times over my physical problems, it is so hard to deal with. I do understand sweetie. But I need more help through my doctors, and I would be able to cope with all this so much better. They haven't done everything they need to, to make sure I'm okay, but I am going to make sure when I go to my appts in november and december, that this gets resolved. You should too. Talk to them about getting some pain medications that can make you more comfortable. Sounds like you really need that. You shouldn't worry about having things wrong with you that you probably don't. Your anxiety sounds so out of control. What are you taking for treatment of that? That could be causing your depression. It needs to be put under some control. I have been on buspar, beta blockers, & valium but the best medication I have had for my anxiety is lexapro, it relieves it almost immediately for me. Call your doctor, and tell them it's out of control, get some better medication for it. I know where your at with that, I have been in the same shape, and I've had nervous breakdowns from it. I'd worry so much about my health problems, that it would make me crazy.. I couldn't handle something happening to me and not knowing what was wrong. The anxiety made everything like ten thousand times worse. I'd worry things were wrong that wasn't.. I'm so glad that has calmed down, and it wouldn't have if it wasn't from where I was taking Lexapro. I hope you seek some help. You really need to talk to your doctor. Hang in there babydoll.
     
  12. mittens1124

    mittens1124 Member

    I've tried so many things they effect me different than most. I'm on lorazepam for anxiety and restoril for sleep.
     
  13. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I've been told taking any benzodiazepines long term, causes depression. If your anxiety is that bad, it's not helping. You really should call your doctor. Maybe you need a higher dose or could try something else with it.
     
  14. mittens1124

    mittens1124 Member

    not much help at mayo Thought i'd let everyone know. Everythings in order so i think tomorrow night is it. very disapointed.
     
  15. mittens1124

    mittens1124 Member

    This will be my last post, I've decieded to go thru with it friday night. Everythings in order and I am ready. Thank you for listening and trying to help but the only thing that will help is to end this suffering. bye all
     
  16. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I know I have spoken to you already today, but I wanted to leave you a message here too. Hope things are going well for you in chat. :hug:
     
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