I know it's not worth it, to throw my life away. I have too much to live for. I have friends who love me. But I can't stop thinking about suicide. I am alone in my apartment, and these thoughts are just hitting me like a freight train. I don't even know WHY I feel this way. I have bipolar disorder, and OCD, and it seems like my mood just plummeted like a stone. I just want to give in to it. I have attempted suicide before, in this apartment, and I'm having flashbacks> I think I know why this is happening. I was raped about eight years ago, and I've been thinking about it alot. I have been trying to deal with it with my counselor and its stirred up a lot of feelings. I feel ashamed, dirty, like I have no right to be upset because I know people who were abused much worse than I was and I don't deserve as much sympathy. I just can't stop these suicidal feelings. I know I could call my counselor but its the middle of the night and I don't want to wake her up unless its a true emergency. I am going to fight this, but its so hard. I'm seeing a friend of mine tomorrow, a friend who is coming up from a few states away, and she wants to see me, I haven't seen her in a year- I have to be here...but these thoughts are so strong. I have to fight them.