Really being attacked by suicidal thoughts

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Apr 7, 2013.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I know it's not worth it, to throw my life away. I have too much to live for. I have friends who love me. But I can't stop thinking about suicide. I am alone in my apartment, and these thoughts are just hitting me like a freight train. I don't even know WHY I feel this way. I have bipolar disorder, and OCD, and it seems like my mood just plummeted like a stone. I just want to give in to it. I have attempted suicide before, in this apartment, and I'm having flashbacks> I think I know why this is happening. I was raped about eight years ago, and I've been thinking about it alot. I have been trying to deal with it with my counselor and its stirred up a lot of feelings. I feel ashamed, dirty, like I have no right to be upset because I know people who were abused much worse than I was and I don't deserve as much sympathy. I just can't stop these suicidal feelings. I know I could call my counselor but its the middle of the night and I don't want to wake her up unless its a true emergency.

    I am going to fight this, but its so hard. I'm seeing a friend of mine tomorrow, a friend who is coming up from a few states away, and she wants to see me, I haven't seen her in a year- I have to be here...but these thoughts are so strong. I have to fight them.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hope hun you are talking to your doctor about these thoughts and that you need some help to keep them at bay ok
    Just remember hun that is all they are is thoughts ok i have them all time too and i learning not to listen to them hun
    therapist can help with that Hope you have a nice visit with your friend hugs
  3. ambivalent

    ambivalent Member

    Your strength and determination are very impressive.

    I am also touched by your concern for the welfare of others - you don't want to wake up your counselor in the middle of the night.

    Those qualities are not easy to come by these days.

    If you give in to those thoughts, the world will be losing a good person. In these times, one good person less just makes the sadness more painful.

    Please stay. Continue striving to live. Right now, I can't offer you more than my belief in you and the value of your life. But I hope it will help you somehow.
  4. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    why do you wait till the morning and phone her as soon as you can, but in the mean time if you are that serious about suicide or harming yourself sevrely then please go to your nearest a+e and explain your current situation.
  5. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    hope you feel better soon

  6. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    Well, I got through the night ok. My friend is coming over at 11 and I have a counselor dropping off my medicine any time now. I will talk to them about how I feel. I have this situation where a mental health worker comes three times a week to drop off my medication because I have overdoses in the past. But I don't know who is coming I hope its someone I feel comfortable with. I will talk to them. The suicidal thoughts are still there but a little less.
  7. cymbele

    cymbele SF Supporter

    I find the nights more isolating and the suicidal thoughts stronger than the day. Please keep posting during the times of struggle. This is a caring community at any time of day and night. Join the chat during these times. Know you are not alone.
  8. skinnylove911

    skinnylove911 Well-Known Member

    just remember you are not alone ask someone to stay with you if thats easier x
  9. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i find that too, i always feel worse at night- i think a lot of people do
  10. mes1234

    mes1234 Member

    You're amazing and please don't compare yourself to others because the person that matters the most in your life is you and not anyone else. There will always be people who are in worse situations and there will always be people who are in better. But for people like us who are suffering from depression, bipolar disorder, and other mental illnesses we need to be selfish sometimes for our sanity. Stay strong <3
  11. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Really hope you are feeling better
  12. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I talked to my counselor (the one who came with the medicine, not the actual therapist that I have) - first I need to explain, I have one therapist, but three times a week a counselor drops off my medication- I'm in this program. Anyway, he gave me some encouragement and helped remind me of some of my coping strategies. LIke reading, looking through my books (I love to read and I have a few bookshelves loaded with books, and sometimes when I get depressed and really feel bad I take a few off the shelf that I haven't looked at in a while and read the makes me remember how much reading I have to look forward to....)and other things. I was really happy to see my friend but it was too short. Now she's back home (three hours away) and I won't see her again...but it was really nice we went out for ice cream and ate it in the warm sun. It's been so miserable, snowy and rainy here, and finally we have a beautiful day. It was so nice today. Tonight, I am going over another friends who I haven't seen in a few months- he lives two hours away but is up visiting family. I am so lucky to have friends. It's really helping me get through the day.
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