really can't wait for God to call me home

[Virago]

so, I'm 47, single. had a rough time growing up. suicidal thoughts in teens and then always, really. as I get older I think I could really do it, kill myself. when, before the thought was definitely there, but the intensity wasn't the same as it is now.

I have 3 brothers. My mom. She's 76 and still very good health. I'm the youngest.

I hate my brothers.

my Mom just told me this Thanksgiving that she wished she had done things differently, when we were growing up. wishes she had pulled us together as a family. Well, it's too fucking late now, isn't it? cool that she feels something about it, but it's too late. so, my Mom is great, really. but, 'I'm' the one who has to pamper her and convince her of 'no regrets, Mom', when she didn't do a whole lot for me. as her life winds down, who the hell is going to save me? huh?

just want to move away. right now. leave everything behind. tired of 'holding on', things will get better.

had breast cancer in '08', lost one. so how am I going to be good to any man now? who will really care for me, as I am not complete anymore....

before I got the cancer, I was praying, very loudly, for God to take me out of this life. so, I got cancer instead. was that supposed to make me appreciate my life more? oh, really? now I feel worse than before.

whatever.

 

[dazzle11215]

hi and welcome. seems like you have been through alot. you are a very strong woman, i can tell. just surviving your childhood, to start. have you received any counselling to talk about how things were growing up? i'm your age and i just started therapy this past january. it was the best gift i could have given myself. i am much more in control of my suicidal feelings and my self-harm. i was recently accepted into a special trauma program for women that were abused as kids, i think it's going to be great.

about the cancer, i want you to read this:

http://survive.org.uk/stories4.html#angel

i hope it gives you some comfort

welcome again.

 

[Virago]

thanks Blue Rodeo. ur link was pretty cool. I'll print it out for myself.

ya, I've been in counseling. my choice to go when I was 19. it's good for the soul, but words only take me so far. I know all the good that I'm supposed to appreciate and I do. my whole life has been driven by me, with no help from others(family). I've never asked or taken advantage of anyone.

it's just been a very lonely road. i'm tired.

everything that is ahead of me seems too much to deal with. i'm just tired.

wish by God's will, I could just go, if it's going to be a 'heavy' lonely walk through this life

 

[may71]

If you are still feeling suicidal after therapy, there may be some other treatments out there (meds, change in meds, electro-convulsive therapy, alternative therapies, thorough check for untreated medical problems, general health and fitness) that might help.

I think you can still find someone who will really love you.