so, I'm 47, single. had a rough time growing up. suicidal thoughts in teens and then always, really. as I get older I think I could really do it, kill myself. when, before the thought was definitely there, but the intensity wasn't the same as it is now. I have 3 brothers. My mom. She's 76 and still very good health. I'm the youngest. I hate my brothers. my Mom just told me this Thanksgiving that she wished she had done things differently, when we were growing up. wishes she had pulled us together as a family. Well, it's too fucking late now, isn't it? cool that she feels something about it, but it's too late. so, my Mom is great, really. but, 'I'm' the one who has to pamper her and convince her of 'no regrets, Mom', when she didn't do a whole lot for me. as her life winds down, who the hell is going to save me? huh? just want to move away. right now. leave everything behind. tired of 'holding on', things will get better. had breast cancer in '08', lost one. so how am I going to be good to any man now? who will really care for me, as I am not complete anymore.... before I got the cancer, I was praying, very loudly, for God to take me out of this life. so, I got cancer instead. was that supposed to make me appreciate my life more? oh, really? now I feel worse than before. whatever.