Really disappointed in myself

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by richarharrow, Sep 9, 2014.

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  1. richarharrow

    richarharrow New Member

    Hello all. I'm in disbelief I'd ever find myself in one of these forums, especially if you would've asked me a couple years ago when everything seemed great with school and friends. But here I find myself after a bad breakup with my ex of 2 and 1/2 years and in a dire financial situation with my hopes of finishing my college degree teetering on the edge. I'm about to be 29 and still live at home with my mom and her bf who are barely able to make ends meet financially.

    I've been so disappointed and disgusted with myself for years and especially for the last few weeks. Why? Because now more then ever I've come to realize that I really do have behavioral issues that need to be addressed. I have a laundry-list of illegal drugs I've done in the past (relatively clean now). I've had a serious addiction to porn and have used self-pleasure for many years as a major stress coping mechanism. Porn among other things used has seriously made me objectify women to the point it has left me disturbed with myself as a person. It played a part in ruining my last relationship because I had always been so tired and my libido had been down even though I was dating a pretty girl who was very sexually active. She found out about the porn and frequent self-pleasuring and it pretty much destroyed her self-esteem. I broke up with her because I knew in my heart all I was doing was emotionally abusing her and stringing her along for so long and I knew she deserved much better than I had given her. I've recently gone straight cold-turkey on all porn and self-pleasuring.

    It seems I've become a master at psychological/emotional manipulation as welland I remember getting like a 'high' when I was messing with other girls around my ex's back when doing things that were obviously wrong. I'm just so F****** pissed off at myself. Where are all my values? They seem non-existent and it's making me feel like trash.

    I'm not happy with who I've become and what I had done to her, all that emotional pain that I had caused her. She's one of the most innocent, most intelligent, most loving and caring compassionate gals you could ever meet. Here's how great she is, she forgave me after everything, even after I had cheated on her a few times (texting and flirting with other girls). I broke it off with her and told her all I wanted her to be was happy. She eventually started dating another man and it really hurt me a lot. I've come to the conclusion it was because I had been so attached to her even after the break-up that it was like losing my only best friend in the world.

    Coupled with my financial situation, not being able to go back to school, and feeling like an all out pathetic loser. I reached a serious breaking point a couple weeks ago when my father (out-of-state) passed away and it financially set me back even more. Everyone turned to me for help in getting airline tickets and I felt a lot of pressure to charge up my credit card because 'it was the right thing to do for family'. It doesn't help my father and I had not had a great relationship at all and I didn't make it out there in time to make my peace with him before he passed away.

    I've felt so overwhelmed, disappointed, disgusted, and just all-out worthless as a person. This self-hatred has been all-consuming. All I want in the world is to just be happy with myself and to rid myself of all this negativity and impulsive tendencies that only hurt me and others.

    For weeks now I have contemplated suicide and have been looking up ways to do it. I've grown to love fantasizing about it, but then I think about how many more people I would disappoint. I've made horrible choices financially, relation-ship wise, and earlier in life and just can't seem to forgive myself for it even though I've been forgiven by people who care about me (my ex for instance).

    My ex called last night and reached out to me in a very sympathetic way. Because she is one of the only ones that truly understands how low of a point I've reached. Especially since I'm not up at school right now and advancing my future like she is.

    At school I met up with a therapist and it has helped, I was brutally honest with him and we went through a crisis/suicide-risk form. It just really sucks because I have no health insurance right now. I'm currently working two-jobs and I'm ok to go back to school in the winter, but emotionally and financially I'm not sure I'll be all 'there' yet.

    What's very saddening is that at once I considered myself a very fun-loving confident guy with a great sense of humor. I've felt so hopeless though lately and it takes so much for me to wake up and get through each day. I've lost my love of learning and life in general. I went from feeling on top of the world to feeling like a nobody with no future whatsoever.

    Sorry for the long read...
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    DEPRESSION takes all the joy one had in life and vanishes it it just covers one up with darkness and sadness and takes all hope away. Depression in an illness and i do hope your therapist can help you come out of the dark meds do help they do so i hope you can talk to your doc abt that as well. Sometime it takes losing something someone to get us to wake up to realize what we had Keep talking ok hope is there it is just sometime we cannot see it.
     
  3. snogo

    snogo Well-Known Member

    You are both honest with yourself and with your therapist. This is definitely one right step forward. The fun-loving confident guy is always there inside you. You just need more time, more help to reach out to him. You are not alone. Feel free to update us anytime.
     
  4. pisces1

    pisces1 Well-Known Member

    It takes a very strong and courageous person to admitt they have made mistakes. Be proud of who you are.
     
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