Hello everyone. My name is Kel, and im 30 years old living in England. Ive been a member and reader of this forum for many years, think I joined in 2006 or so and have read here many times. Now I feel like I don't know where else to turn and so I am just going to post here.. I have no idea what I am going to say and I haven't planned anything so whatever comes out comes out. I'm going to start with going back to being in highschool and being a teenager. Since I was in my early teens I've never really felt completely ok, I've never felt like I really fit in with everyone else and I've never felt like I was really "human" at all.. I will try to explain. I had a close group of friends in school, some great friends, but I have never been the guy with a lot of friends, I've been the guy with 3 really good friends and thats been pretty much it. I would just prefer to sit by myself at school lunch times or just go sit in the school field by myself. Although I liked my friends, I still never felt like I could tell them absolutely everything, I am just really really not good at opening up and I really struggle to do it, so I just don't bother. There have been so few times in my life that I have completely opened up to people that I have only ever told one person how I have really felt. My close school friends are all moved on now and I only speak to one of them and I am talking 4 times a year if that I speak to him. Right now I only have 1 real friend, her name is Jo. We used to have a relationship for many years but eventually we became just like best friends, like brother and sister.. and I am completely ok with that. She is my best and only friend. Jo is from Sweden, but she moved to England for me and she still lives here.. she is my flatmate but currently she is away in Chicago for 1 month and this is only the second or so time this year that I have been completely alone. Jo has been really good to me, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here typing this post right now, of that I am absolutely certain. I've felt suicidal for the best part of 10 years but it has always come in waves. Some months I don't feel that way but I am still not totally happy.. I am just indifferent. That's the only way I can explain it. The last 3 years or so it's been particularly bad for me. Just under 2 years ago, I tried to <edit mod total eclipse method> It was something I had planned to do for quite some time and I had thought about what I was going to do in the time before it. In the 2 weeks before I did it I spent a lot of time with my family, I spent as much time as I could and was just pretending to be really happy for them, and it was nice. It was my way of saying goodbye to them all. My family (mum dad 3 brothers) all know I've felt low for years, but honestly they really have no idea just how low I am. As I type this I am in the worst spot of my entire life and I feel like I can't even get through to anyone to explain it because I don't open up. Only Jo knows but since she is away currently we chat through facebook until she gets back home. When I set out to kill myself, I planned so much. I did everything right by my family, I tried to be the happy Kel for them all. I wanted them to remember their son and brother as happy rather than the miserable lump of crap that ive been for years.. and it was really nice. They never suspected anything and they never questioned it. On the day I tried to end it, I made the stupid mistake of leaving a message for everyone right before I did it, which eventually led to police involvement. I knew that the police helicopter above my head was chasing me. I knew that my mobile phone could be tracked so I took the battery out. I managed to shake 1 police helicopter by a LOT of erratic driving from town to city until it got dark enough that I felt I was ok and wouldn't get found. In my meticulous planning however, the main thing I forgot to actually research was the <edit mod method> what kind, etc. I was half knocked out for 15 or so minutes and by the time I was aware of everything again there was a police helicopter right over me, so I just got back in the car and drove around again for a few hours not really sure what to do. Eventually, I went home where the police and my family were waiting. As I said earlier, Ive never felt completely "ok", but really the suicidal feelings have been at their worst for the last 5 years. There was a time in my mid 20s where I was starting to feel better, although never happy I felt that being here was bearable. some 5 years ago something happened to me that kicked up a lot of things for me. After Jo, I met someone. She was amazing.. she still is. During our relationship I was feeling like a better person, but still not complete by any stretch of the imagination. Eventually, she got pregnant with our child. When we sat down to discuss it, I still remember the conversation word for word. I said I wasnt ready for a child but I never told her why.. I never told her it was because I didnt feel like I would make a suitable parent with the thoughts and feelings that I was having. I never told her of any of my feelings at all. She was the love of my life.. she still is and she always will be. Eventually we broke up, because of me. I was incapable of betting myself or my life, or setting up a future for us both. At the time I was stuck in the present and couldn't see anything of the future. I basically cost the best thing Ive ever had in my entire life. It was 100% all my fault and I can never forgive myself. When we broke up, I had a complete breakdown. But it was an odd kind of breakdown, I'll try to explain. Right as we broke up, I suddenly became completely agoraphobic, I didn't leave my house for 2 years. I entered a kind of bubble where time outside just didn't pass.. what was really 2 years was like a week for me. I developed chronic anxiety disorder, and in those 2 years I went out a handful of time, mostly at night to walk the 40 meters to the store. But every time without fail I'd have a panic attack and they were quite severe ones, sometimes they would last for hours. In fact just talking about it now is making me feel I am about to have one. I locked myself in a bubble and put my head in my computer screen for 2 years where time didnt pass and I played computer games and had constant panic attacks all day and night. Eventually I started loading myself up on <edit mod drug and dosage> just so I wouldn't feel.. it basically made me a vegetable all day. but it worked for a period of time. Eventually I stopped taking them before I did any damage to my liver. One day after the two years I suddenly and inexplicably broke out of my bubble. Nothing triggered it, I just snapped out of it and suddenly I was back in the real world. But it didnt feel like 2 years, more like a handful of weeks. As soon as I snapped out of it, all I could think about was her. I immediately got back in touch with her. After all we had only been broke up a handful of weeks in my head. We met up and I told her how I felt about her. About how much of a mistake it was to let her go, and how I had and always will feel about her. She was in a relationship however at the time. She told me that she will think about what I had said and I went away that night happy.. really happy. Although a part of me was really devastated that she was in a relationship but I thought its not the end of the world.. at least shes not married and had children with him. This is fixable. We were in contact a lot over the next weeks. From morning to night all I could think about was her.. I couldnt get her off my mind and I wanted to see her constantly. It was then that I completely and utterly fucked up in such a way that it makes me sick. I started pestering her constantly.. I wouldnt stop calling and texting her. Even when she was working all hours I couldnt stop myself. I used to try and make myself stop doing it so that she would actually have time to miss me, but to me 4 hours was along time. She invaded my brain constantly and I couldnt stop thinking about her.. It got so bad that I started following her. A lot. From the moment I opened my eyes until stupid oclock in the morning I was out in my car, I was completely losing my mind. I followed her so much and I just started pushing her away. Eventually she didn't want to talk to me at all and she wouldnt answer my calls or texts... I fucked up big time After a few weeks of her not responding to me was when I completely and utterly snapped, and I attempted to kill myself. But for months I was like another person.. my thoughts were extremely erratic and I couldnt face eating.. I would eat a bite of a sandwich every 4 days and it made me feel sick. I lost a ridiculous amount of weight and I was sleeping maximum 3 hours a night. I had to tire my eyes and brain so much that I passed out otherwise I wouldnt sleep. Every waking moment my brain would be going absolutely mental with thoughts of her.. what shes doing.. her new relationship.. it was driving me around the bend. Eventually I just broke completely. It was like I was stuck in my own mind looking out of my own eyes in a complete stranger. I was a complete mess. I've never really recovered from that. After the attempted suicide, I saw how upset my mum and dad were and I felt terrible. Thats the only reason I didn't try to do it again since. I went into another bubble after that for another 2 years, and eventually again I broke out of it.. and she was on my mind yet again. We got back in touch a few weeks ago. Shes still with the guy.. but now they are married and have a child. But on the other hand she tells me she still has feelings for me and that we are soulmates, and that the thought of me being with someone else makes her sad. its just all mixed signals and its fucking me up in the head.. I have no idea what I am supposed to think at all, and I can feel myself breaking again. I am fucking terrified.. I remember how I felt last time. Ive never felt such a complete and utter desperation and despair as I have during that time, and I can feel it coming for me again I realize now that I had everything I wanted and I threw it all away. I hate myself. I genuinely hate myself. If I walk by a mirror I get so angry that I just want to reach in and grab my reflection and completely beat myself to an unrecognizable bloody pulp. I will never forgive myself for throwing away the one thing I had that would have finally given me a complete and happy life. When I look at myself I am utterly disgusted by what I see. I hate hindsight. I hate that it took all this for me to see whats really important when its all too late. I dont understand why this happened to me.. through early school I was a good kid.. never did any wrong, looked out for everyone else other than me, I was a really model and good child up into my teens. So why did this happen to me? who in the hell decided that I should have to go through all this? what did I do wrong? I just dont get it. I hate everything about myself. just getting up and breathing feels like such a chore for me. I go to my parents every single day because I cant bare to be in my own 4 walls. I hate being here.. it makes me physically sick. I am serious, there are times I am actually vomiting because I realize this apartment and I realize that I hate it. I feel like I cant be here any longer, in this apartment, on this planet, none of it. My parents know that I am sad, but they dont have any real idea of just how bad I am or why. But I pretend to be happy for them and I pretend to act normal for my family. I am not great at it, but it most of the time does the job I think. They seem to be fooled enough anyway. But you know what? I am fucking exhausted. It's shattering to act that way for everyone else and I am getting sick of it. Nothing has changed and nothing is ever going to change. I am mentally and physically exhausted. I am getting to the point where I just dont want to do it anymore. When I get home I generally just start crying, lots. I cry at just about everything. I cry when I see happy couples on TV or in the papers.. I cry when songs play, I cry at literally everything. Im completely exhausted At this point I feel that I have made my mind up about what I want to do, and I dont think I am going to change my mind. Let me try and put this the best way I can.. I feel like I just dont fit in, like I wasnt made to exist and go through day to day life like everyone else. I dont think I was designed to do it, ive tried and I cant, it just doesnt work. There is almost nothing that will make me happy or think "hey, tomorrow is worth waking up for!" If I won the lottery right now it wouldnt do a single thing for me. I am and feel completely and utterly alone. I just dont want to be here anymore. Ive decided to give my family one good christmas with me, I want their last thoughts and memories of me to be good and happy ones. I dont want them to remember me as the troubled son. They have already been through so much, there have been soo many deaths in the family lately you wouldnt believe. 2 of my mums brothers hung themselves within 6 months of each other, then she lost both her parents in a short window too. I dont want her last memories of me to be miserable ones. 1 good Christmas for them, and then I can finally get some rest. Thats honestly how it feels.. its like counting down the weeks until I go on holiday. I am partly excited, relieved and am at peace with it. I cant wait for my rest. I have a camcorder and bought new tapes as there are some videos I would like to do for some special people. Ive even started going to the gym and eating better this week, people think its to better myself, when really its not. I am doing it for them. I dont want my family to remember me as slightly overweight, and I want my family to see me and think that I am ok. I dont want my brothers to carry a 20 stone coffin either. im 6 foot 2. Jo is the only one that knows how im feeling. She has always understood me, but shes in Chicago currently and we had a long talk last night. But I feel like she is misunderstanding me for the first time. Last night she played the "selfish" card. She went on about how it would make everyone else feel, how shitty her and my family would feel. Does she think I dont know that?? How fucking dare she? SELFISH? For YEARS I get up and put a smile on my face for EVERYONE ELSE. its exhausting.. I dont enjoy it one fucking bit. How dare she pull the selfish card? I am not really sure what this post is even going to achieve... I think I am just feeling like I want to tell someone. My thoughts and feeling are so erratic and I keep bursting into tears for absolutely nothing. I am doing it now. But I have to hold it in until I get home and then it all comes out. I dont know what I am expecting here.. I really dont.. I just felt like I wanted to post this. I am a complete mess and I honestly dont think theres anything out there that is going to help. Even if there was a magic tablet that could make me feel happier, what will that achieve? I feel completely and utterly alone. The girl of my dreams has moved on, although she gives me mixed signals.. I just dont and wont want anyone else. Whats the point of feeling happy if nothing will ultimately change? I'm sorry for the long post. I'm just gonna go now and cry like a girl as usual and I will check back here tomorrow.