Hi, i'm new here. This is basically gonna be a long rant about my life. So if you guys dont want to read it all, i'd probably understand. I'm 20 years old, I go to a state university. I have no friends. Some of it is my fault. For much of high school/first year of college I was addicted to World of Warcraft. I would shrug off chances to engage in social activity, meet people, and make friends, just to get my fix of it. Playing that game was the worst decision of my life, and I dont think I would be on the brink of killing myself if I had never touched it. I quit the game last September, cold turkey, and have barely looked back. I started working out, I found that I was actually not bad at being social, and could hold conversations with a variety of people. I try to make friends, I try a lot. But people dont seem to want me around. It makes me feel worthless. Every person ive met in my classes has used me as a study buddy, and when the semester was over, theyd forget about me and never talk to me again. I live in an apartment with a guy who is more addicted to WoW than I ever was. I was never in a dorm situation where I had tons of friends around me automatically. It seems like people have their own pre-created groups of friends that theyve known from the start, and getting into those groups isnt that easy. I've never had a girlfriend. I've tried. I've been rejected 6 times by 6 different girls in the past 2 semesters. I think i'm a good looking guy(maybe a little short, 5'8" 1/2 with shoes), I dress well, I'm clean, I'm in decent shape, I'm a nice guy and I treat women with respect. I don't ask out girls that I think are above my level of attractiveness. I'd be thrilled to take a girl on a date and spend money on her, and go and do fun things with her all the time. But it seems girls in college would rather get plastered and hook up with a guy they don't know, for a night they will barely be able to remember, than have a boyfriend that treats them with dignity and respect and kindness. The whole culture makes me absolutely sick. Anyway, thats the backstory I guess. I'm depressed all the time. I've been seriously thinking about suicide for a good 4 or 5 months. I know how I'm going to do it, I know what I'm going to do before I do it, I even know what song I'm going to have looping on my computer when I do it, so that whoever walks in my room and finds me will acheive as great of an understanding of my sadness as they can in that moment. I've been compiling a suicide note for some time. Its 29 typed pages. I reference my childhood, the mutlitude of mistakes i've made in my life that have led me here, my regrets etc. Its like i'm building a case for myself to justify my own suicide as an act of mercy and self-humanity. Its so big that I even have a works-cited page, referencing everything from episodes of Oprah to sociology and psychology textbooks that I bought and read for actual classes that i've taken in school. I guess education isnt that worthless. Just so tired of the whole thing. I dont want to get up anymore I want to switch off the future. And sleep forever.