Really dont want to try anymore..

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Roads, Feb 17, 2008.

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  1. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    Hi, i'm new here. This is basically gonna be a long rant about my life. So if you guys dont want to read it all, i'd probably understand.

    I'm 20 years old, I go to a state university. I have no friends.

    Some of it is my fault. For much of high school/first year of college I was addicted to World of Warcraft. I would shrug off chances to engage in social activity, meet people, and make friends, just to get my fix of it. Playing that game was the worst decision of my life, and I dont think I would be on the brink of killing myself if I had never touched it.

    I quit the game last September, cold turkey, and have barely looked back. I started working out, I found that I was actually not bad at being social, and could hold conversations with a variety of people. I try to make friends, I try a lot. But people dont seem to want me around. It makes me feel worthless. Every person ive met in my classes has used me as a study buddy, and when the semester was over, theyd forget about me and never talk to me again.

    I live in an apartment with a guy who is more addicted to WoW than I ever was. I was never in a dorm situation where I had tons of friends around me automatically. It seems like people have their own pre-created groups of friends that theyve known from the start, and getting into those groups isnt that easy.

    I've never had a girlfriend. I've tried. I've been rejected 6 times by 6 different girls in the past 2 semesters. I think i'm a good looking guy(maybe a little short, 5'8" 1/2 with shoes), I dress well, I'm clean, I'm in decent shape, I'm a nice guy and I treat women with respect. I don't ask out girls that I think are above my level of attractiveness. I'd be thrilled to take a girl on a date and spend money on her, and go and do fun things with her all the time. But it seems girls in college would rather get plastered and hook up with a guy they don't know, for a night they will barely be able to remember, than have a boyfriend that treats them with dignity and respect and kindness.

    The whole culture makes me absolutely sick.

    Anyway, thats the backstory I guess. I'm depressed all the time. I've been seriously thinking about suicide for a good 4 or 5 months. I know how I'm going to do it, I know what I'm going to do before I do it, I even know what song I'm going to have looping on my computer when I do it, so that whoever walks in my room and finds me will acheive as great of an understanding of my sadness as they can in that moment.

    I've been compiling a suicide note for some time. Its 29 typed pages. I reference my childhood, the mutlitude of mistakes i've made in my life that have led me here, my regrets etc. Its like i'm building a case for myself to justify my own suicide as an act of mercy and self-humanity. Its so big that I even have a works-cited page, referencing everything from episodes of Oprah to sociology and psychology textbooks that I bought and read for actual classes that i've taken in school. I guess education isnt that worthless.

    Just so tired of the whole thing.
    I dont want to get up anymore
    I want to switch off the future.
    And sleep forever.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2008
  2. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Hey, hang in there :hug: I think college is a really difficult time because it's a transition from who you were to who you will be. (At least that's how I feel, and I'm also a college student). You seem like a really great guy, try to hold on and think about the good things that could happen to you in the future.

    You seriously sound like one of the sweetest guys ever! I know like a million girls who would love to go out with a guy like you. Whoever finds you is going to be a really lucky girl... just try to hold on. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2008
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    Wow, freaky. I haven't written a suicide note yet, but if I did, I would also have planned it to be extremely long, many pages, sparing no details and all that (more like a novel than a note.) I thought I was the only one to want to do this.

    But then I also feel that if you write such a long note, you are still hanging on to something? That if you write a short note, you have nothing to lose, no regrets and can die in peace. Seems to me that writing a long note means you still have a lot of attachments to this world, and maybe its not time to go just yet.
    Sorry that my post sounds silly.

    There are several WoW players here that maybe can relate to you. I've never played the game or any multiplayer games for that matter and I know it wouldn't do me any good. I'm already addicted to videogames and such and so have ignored the rest of my life, which has been downright pathetic for a long time. Though you have tried to make friends and get a girlfriend, you made an effort, I have done no such things, I am so shy and all that crap. I admire you for trying and it pains me to see you have been rejected with all your efforts and so can't blame you for being so upset and bitter. Its a shame since you do sound like a good guy and I'm sure there's someone out there for you. You have already tried, why not try again? You are too good for those girls you mentioned.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 17, 2008
  4. Raven

    Raven Guest

    Collage sounds like it can be a royal pain, it does get better in the whole social aspect after you get out of school I have found that in a work environment (at least for us geeks) is a different world then high school was. At most it should only be a couple of years just keep plugging away at it and it will be done.

    As for the World Of Warcraft trust me I knew a guy that was addicted to that game, I think he played around 16 + hours a day and screw up a lot of things so you get a heart congratulations for putting that down. I firmly believe that if you had the will power and smarts to realize what it was doing to your life then you have the ability to stick it out find a social setting you fit into.

    As for the whole dating thing I will throw in my two cents here and its not much, I know a lot of guys fill like losers etc if they have never dated/had sex etc and their in their twenties. You’re still young and lots of time left to find someone and it will happen if you look. I know theirs a lot of people out their (myself included) that have never had any kind of dating experience.

    I guess in the end I just want to echo what was already said, this is a transition period in your life, one that’s a pain in the ass for a lot of people but it will be over someday, its one of those instinces in life you just have to plug away at and in the end things get better.

  5. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    You are extremely strong Roads, for having given up that game cold turkey when I hear so many addiction stories of that game and what negative things it has done and the fact you were able to walk clean away from it is commendable. And that you have tried to make friends and better your life, I at least, haven't even tried to do what you have done, I've stagnated and its really all my fault. But you are fighting to keep climbing up and up.

    I hope you don't give up since you are tough and have been fighting, hope you can keep fighting on.
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member


    I'm sorry that things are tough right now. Seriously, girls in college(not all) but they are fresh out of high school and they want to go to parties, drink, and basically just be "free". Try not to focus so much on them or in searching for a girl and before oyu know it you will find one. Things have a way of happening.
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the Forum. I have great admiration in your courage to change and try to find a better life for yourself. You have made life altering decions toward the positive. I know you are still struggling, but you are on the right path. Hang in there. Continue to ask for support if needed. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
  8. Surviving

    Surviving Well-Known Member

    College is tough, that's no lie and you are obviously living that right now. All I can say is hang in there and give it some more time. You sound very strong, and I believe you can make it. My mom's suicide happened while I was away at college which made that time of my life even more miserable.

    Can you take some time off from school? Every one is always so pro-go to school and dont stop until you graduate, but it is not always the right answer. I quit after my freshman year, couldn't take it anymore. I went to work and actually made some good friends where I was working. 10 years later I attained my associates degree and got a better job...

    Good to me you, let me know if you ever want to chat :smile:
  9. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum x
  10. Lead Savior

    Lead Savior Well-Known Member

    Sounds a lot like my own tale, even down to quitting WoW recently, hoho!

    I've personally given up on relationships. I know this isn't, by and large, how the dynamic works, but perhaps you can wait for a girl to find you?

    Welcome to the forum sir
  11. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    Thanks for the kind words you guys.

    I hate to shrug off your kindness, but unfortunately, it doesn't matter if you know a million girls who'd want to go out with me(because I dont know them), and it doesnt help to "stay strong" and "perservere" and all that bullshit.

    Because i've been "staying strong" for a long time and made a lot of improvements to my life, but none of that makes me happy. In fact, the way I look at it, its just a waste of effort from a worthless human being.

    People always say that I should live because MAYBE, just maybe, ONE DAY, I might meet someone who would actually go out with me, or some girl will magically find me and fall in love with me. I dont want to sound like im angry, and I'm sorry, but thats just ridiculous. People treat me like dirt.

    And to Rahul, you asked "why not try again?". Well, I dont want to try again because its really fucking painful. I'm not afraid to admit that i'm a sensitive guy, and the last time I asked a girl out she turned me down with that look in her eye like I wasn't worth the amount of time it took me to talk to her, and it made me feel like shit, and when I got back to my apartment I sat down and fucking cried. It hurts to be treated like that.

  12. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    what were you looking for then if you weren't looking for kind words, advice and help?????
  13. Roads

    Roads Active Member

    I guess I was just ranting.
    sorry, i'll just go now.
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    welcome to the forum hun :welcome:
  15. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I didnt say to go hun. I wanted to knwo what you were looking for. Ranting is fine.
    I never said leave.

    I just feel bad b/c people are offering you kind words and you seem to not want them?
  16. Sentient-Blizzard

    Sentient-Blizzard Well-Known Member

    Welcome dude, same here execpt for wow, and i'm not even that shy just kinda fulgly fatty( not too much). i agree with Raul, why write such a long suicide note ( a note? more like a biography don't you think? I don't even intend to write one at all! since death is the end of everything i couldn't care less what will the ppl around me will make of my suicide, it won't concern me anymore. anyway welcome to the forum and hangon-_^
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