Really feeling upset

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talia862, Jun 21, 2015.

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  1. Talia862

    Talia862 Well-Known Member

    I am really upset. I hate spending time with my family. I hate who I am when I'm around them, and I hate the way they make me feel. Now I've lost a family friend who got drawn into the conflict and chose my parents over me, and I am going to have to avoid family gatherings when she's there. (which isn't such a terrible thing I guess,because they make me feel like this) I tried twice to reach out to her and make amends, but she is n't having it. All I did was let her overhear me complaining about spending time with my folks. I guess it didn't help that I told her to go f*ck herself and unfriended her when she publically attacked me for "bashing" my parents on facebook. Two wrongs don't make a right, I know. I tried twice to apologize, so I guess screw her. I was her friend since I was a toddler. F*Ck her and F*CK my parents. I am so upset. I wish I could not see them until Christmas, but if I want to go food shopping or to my counselor I need my dad to drive me. I suppose its just as well that i can't afford my counselor for the rest of the month. THough I wish I could talk to her. I'm going to look into getting groceries delivered. I was able to order cat food and some supplies on facebook, so we'll see what I can get delivered to the house. The local mental health association takes people shopping but I have RA and walk with a cane, I can't get into a van. Sometimes I even use a wheelchair, and they have a big van I can't step up into. So I guess I'm screwed. Maybe I'll live on canned food from amazon. Of course if I get it delivered or order online I can't use my food stamps. How pathetic is it that that's what I need to eat, at 40? Disability doesn't let me work much though I try as hard as I can. I hate my life. I wish I was dead. If it wasn't for the handful of friends who I know care (though dont' ask me why, I'm a terrible person) I would just give up. I guess a few is all you need, and they do care about me. I don't deserve it but I don't want to hurt them. I hate that I yelled at my dad today and got into fights in front of my grandma. It's always my fault no matter what happens. Like I said I hate what they bring out in me. And they say say awful things to me, but I hate the way I acted as well. I wish I could die tonight. Sadly, I have to worry about the friends I have and not hurting them. I hope I have a heart attack soon, which I probably will because I'm 165 pounds overweight. Disgusting.
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    I too have major disagreements with family members and say things I do not mean. I think a lot of people do that to be honest. You have apologised to that person more than once, if that's not good enough for her then you can go on without her. You need to keep yourself safe too though, mentally. Do not do anything drastic or over react when feeling this way. Sure they were wrong and you, you have come out the bigger person in all of this and that is what matters the most.

    Regarding your weight, are you trying to lose weight currently, I too am over weight and it makes me very self conscious, I hope you can get through this! You're certainly not alone.
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