I am really upset. I hate spending time with my family. I hate who I am when I'm around them, and I hate the way they make me feel. Now I've lost a family friend who got drawn into the conflict and chose my parents over me, and I am going to have to avoid family gatherings when she's there. (which isn't such a terrible thing I guess,because they make me feel like this) I tried twice to reach out to her and make amends, but she is n't having it. All I did was let her overhear me complaining about spending time with my folks. I guess it didn't help that I told her to go f*ck herself and unfriended her when she publically attacked me for "bashing" my parents on facebook. Two wrongs don't make a right, I know. I tried twice to apologize, so I guess screw her. I was her friend since I was a toddler. F*Ck her and F*CK my parents. I am so upset. I wish I could not see them until Christmas, but if I want to go food shopping or to my counselor I need my dad to drive me. I suppose its just as well that i can't afford my counselor for the rest of the month. THough I wish I could talk to her. I'm going to look into getting groceries delivered. I was able to order cat food and some supplies on facebook, so we'll see what I can get delivered to the house. The local mental health association takes people shopping but I have RA and walk with a cane, I can't get into a van. Sometimes I even use a wheelchair, and they have a big van I can't step up into. So I guess I'm screwed. Maybe I'll live on canned food from amazon. Of course if I get it delivered or order online I can't use my food stamps. How pathetic is it that that's what I need to eat, at 40? Disability doesn't let me work much though I try as hard as I can. I hate my life. I wish I was dead. If it wasn't for the handful of friends who I know care (though dont' ask me why, I'm a terrible person) I would just give up. I guess a few is all you need, and they do care about me. I don't deserve it but I don't want to hurt them. I hate that I yelled at my dad today and got into fights in front of my grandma. It's always my fault no matter what happens. Like I said I hate what they bring out in me. And they say say awful things to me, but I hate the way I acted as well. I wish I could die tonight. Sadly, I have to worry about the friends I have and not hurting them. I hope I have a heart attack soon, which I probably will because I'm 165 pounds overweight. Disgusting.