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Really feeling worthless, hopeless

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by treatmentgirl, Dec 10, 2009.

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  1. treatmentgirl

    treatmentgirl Member

    Well, these next few weeks will be a dangerous time for me- finals week. When I'm stressed about school I usually think about killing myself. It's just a major trigger, always has been. I get this unbelievable anxiety.

    And now I'm a freshman in college, where it MATTERS.

    I want to be a pediatrician- it's always been my goal, my dream. But I feel so incompetent. I can't even function in college. I just feel like if I don't do well, I'll have nothing left. I always thought that if I became a pediatrician I'd be happy.

    It's just difficult to function right now. My roommate moved out (we got along fine, she just wanted to be with her boyfriend) and it's so easy for me to just crawl away and hide in my room. I don't have many good friends here and I have horrible self confidence.

    Maybe this sounds like a childish rant. It kind of is. But it's affecting me. And I'm afraid I'm going to try to kill myself. The worst thing is that when I would attempt at home my parents were always there. But here? I can just hide in my room and die. No one would know. And that scares me ****less.

  2. Unwilling

    Unwilling Member

    I know how you feel, the worries about GPA and getting all the work done on time. It always seems that every instructor thinks you have your entire week to dedicate to their class.

    I just try to get through it, because pass or fail, the stress goes down significantly as soon as you turn in your last paper. After, the worries of not accomplishing your goal are more in perspective. But now, you will feel overwhelmed.

    Do you know if there is someone on the campus you can talk to about this? Professional or not, I think telling someone would really help.
  3. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    I've been through school and know how you feel. Exam days are rough, and finals day can be brutal. My experience has always been that I'll fret about my grades and come close to a panic on exam days, but I always seemed to come out of it with A's and B's.

    Have you ever noticed that a normal 9 to 5 type job is less stressful than school? (approaches being too boring) On the other hand, I never have those "Ah ha!" moments when I have a job. The points leading up to finals day can actually be very rewarding and enjoyable. I recall being satisfied with some of the lectures during my classes - was insightful. It's the exam days that can bite you. It's like a curse. Problem was that once I left the class and went home, I forgot all about it and put off doing what I needed to do until the last moments.

    #1 rule is don't procrastinate. That's what leads to this problem. It's hard not to though. I did that so much that I'm surprised my GPA was as high as it was. I didn't feel I deserved my associates simply because I procrastinated so much and felt I could have done so much better than I did. I told myself that my teachers were being easy on me and hte students. Never felt deserving.

    Odd thing was that when I didn't worry and felt confident, that's when I got bad grades. That's the impression I get. That's not always true though. Generally speaking, it took a great act of will for me just do an assignment. I was the kind of student that might have benefited if I had been forced to do my homework at gun point.

    Stick to it. You need a support network to lean on. I hope the people on this forum can give you that. I don't pray, but I wish you some RL friends that can keep you company so you don't feel alone in your stress and anxiety about school.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 10, 2009
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