Really getting sick of all of it

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Ziva, Feb 6, 2011.

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  1. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I made a suicide attempt on Thursday night and my mom called an ambulance and I was taken to the hospital (we live in the same house) and she never showed up. The next day she flipped out at me, calling me a selfish bitch and every other name in the book. Anytime I express that I'm upset or suicidal, this is what I get: flipped out at and told I'm nothing but a stupid selfish bitch. Thing is, I have HEARD her say to other people AND EVEN TO MY FACE SO MANY TIMES THAT I'M NOTHING BUT AN INCONVIENIENCE AND BURDEN TO HER LIFE. I try SO HARD to be "normal" and "perfect" but is it ever good enough for her? No, and it never will be. I would move out if I had the money or anyone to go to, but I don't. So I'm fucked until I die basically. And she NVER admits to what she did wrong, to her, she's perfect and is never wrong, if I point out something I feel she did wrong, she flips out and says nasty things to me. This has been going on for a looooong time now, and I'm SICK OF IT. It started when I was 12 years old, in September 2002, and I got a bit of a "break" for about a couple of years from September 2003 to I have no clue when. Then, for three months in 2007 she treated me like shit, and I didn't know why. And then, in May 2009 after my ex-boyfriend did some pretty nasty stuff to me and I told her (while she was drinking) she broke my laptop in half and said it was all my fault that she did it. And then in late June 2009 I got a bit of a break, but the bitchiness started up again in October 2009 and has been ongoing since. I have tried suggesting we get a family relationship counsellor or something but will she agree? No, because according to her, it's all MY FAULT and she NEVER does anything wrong. And it's pretty rare for her to apologize, I can count on one hand how many times she's apologized over the years, especially since she's decided that she hates me or whatever. I feel like saying to her if she ever apologizes again "What do you need to apologize for? You're K.S., the exception to the rules! K. NEVER apologizes!!!!" I am just so sick of it all. I don't expect her or anyone to "kiss my ass" but to constantly be called down to dirt by saying stuff like "you're nothing but a selfish bitch" and such when I don't show any rudeness or anything, not in my tone or anything, gets pretty tiring.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Is there any way to expect her to be this way and not to count on anything else? She sounds like she has many problems and is not a nice person...maybe if you expected less you would not feel so hurt each time...she is the one who is so unkind...sorry she behaves this way...I do not understand ppl acting like this but I do not how painful it is...J
  3. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I don't mean to sound rude, but how can I expect less? I don't expect her to clean up for me or anything, I do all that myself. I just expect a "normal" level of mutual respect, and I try to be kind and respectful but when she behaves like this it really pushes me to the edge.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    If only you could move out and get away from her toxic msgs and environment you would heal better. I am sorry she is so angry inside and she is in so much pain herself she does not see your suffering or even care. You need to find a safe place just for you i hope you can
  5. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I'm supposed to always be "happy" around her. Funny thing is, even when I am "happy" she makes sure to ruin that too. I wonder how she will ruin tomorrow???
  6. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    you might want to see a councilor or family councilor unilaterally.

    it would be great if you could move, or at least go some place to get a break for a while.
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a difficult situation, but its hard to see things from one side, which is why you perhaps wisely point to a family counsellor of sorts. That shows you want to keep the peace, or would if there were any right now.

    I know people who were raised in a manner in which they were never encouraged, or worse, put down consistently. I don't need to tell you that its demeaning as I think you've been through that to some extent.

    But, when you add things up, she is the only mum you have. Maybe, your best bet is to concentrate on trying to get better and leave your mum out of any counselling and so on. Maybe you will gain insights which will enable you to cope with her. This may be hard living with her though. In the long term, do you see yourself moving out? I mean, when you feel better in yourself that is. Maybe that move would bring you closer. Often as not familiarity can breed contempt. Only with those we love can we perhaps vent our rage in a manner which we'd never do for instance with a neighbour or someone at a bus stop. Try not to get into an argument with your mum because maybe she has her own problems. I'm sure she has if she never turned up to bring you home from the hospital for example. That said, I'm sure that as life goes on you can get along with her better.

    You don't mention any father - might be a sore point but I'm wondering if your mum is struggling raising you alone. No excuses for not being supportive but maybe she was raised in a manner were she had little support. Sometimes its a cycle. Maybe at some point you will have a child and maybe what you've been through will push you to be as supportive as possible.

    Children should be praised as much as you can do so. Especially when young.

    All things said and done what you need is to deal with your own issues.

    What kind of life would you like to be living ? - I know its not this one you have right now - but that's just a phase in your life - and you can grow out of your insecurities and maybe the next man you meet will not be some contender for Mr Jerk Universe 2011.

    Have you any other family out there you can maybe talk to?

    I'm sure things will get better with you and your mum though. This will happen when you realise some of your own potential in life and carve out some niche. You do not mention education or work and so on but that kind of path might well be the best for you.

    Good luck and my best regards.
  8. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    My father is handicapped and in a wheelchair and although he lives close it is too difficult for me to take care of him, I tried it before and it didn't work out. He won't get a homecare worker either. And with my mom, this has been going on for a loooong time now, it's been consistant since 2009, and it's getting a bit ridiculous now.
  9. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I also have no other family either that I can talk to.
  10. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Zena, welcome to SF. It'd be hard to know whhat to do in situation. Are you old enough to support yourself? If not, move in with a friend or start saving, she doesn't sound like she's going to change.
  11. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    As I said before, I have nobody to turn to. No friends, no other family, nothing. I wish I had money so I could move out but I don't. The a bit of money I do have is not enought to pay for months for me to live ina place, not even renting a room.
  12. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    try getting a job?
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'd suggest you apply for disabiliity. your psychiatrist can sign for you.
  14. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Can you not get housed by the council/local government and have them pay the rent if you are not working on the basis that living at home is causing you psychological damage and it's not really made possible for you to live at home?
  15. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I'm saving to leave, though that's not obvious in the taxi fees I paid today. Though there is ONE PERSON *WHO I'M NOT NAIMG JUST IN CASE SHE READS IT)* will take me in, they told me so. I asked them. If they're lying only time will tell.....
  16. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    Now she thinks I'm drugged up again due to my speech. Wow. Yet she don't consider stress at all? Yup, hopefully goodbye and good riddance since many people have found this before.

    This particular woman by the way is the type that if she thinks the sky is purple but it's actually blue she won't listen to you, and this is only from her demonstrations. Nothing else.
  17. Ziva

    Ziva Well-Known Member

    I obviously never succeded in my suicide attempt, but she broke her arm a little while ago at a restauranut(I wasn't in attendance)when she fell down some stairs. I am sorry that happened, but they say everything happens for a reason. I wonder what why I have seizures (even though I'm in school) and her arm break have in common. Maybe it's supposed to be bringing us closer together but it's not working; in fact she's been crying bitchy things that are not for "help" more than ever. She broke her arm a while ago and even though I'm doing all I can she still continues to be a bitch to me, but nice to everyone else. At least she's gone for one night, since she's in the hospital for tonight(they called me) and I have a night to myself. But I will visit her tomorrow given that's the kind of loving person I am. But rarely aanyone recognizes that. I know it's due to my actions, but still......It gets me pisssed off when good actions are not recognized. I guess this is how most people are. I am not good with this "people" busniess since I was born, I had a brain injury, and that's no excuse, but it effects my judgement/my judgement of people or some shit!!!!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 7, 2011
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