Really hating my parents

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by faeriegirl, Jan 14, 2014.

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  1. faeriegirl

    faeriegirl Active Member

    I am feeling more suicidal right now, I think, than ever. I have a plan, a very very specific plan, which I have never taken the time to detail a plan so carefully before.

    I'm just sick and tired of fighting every single day and having a mental illness. I feel like Ihage to fight that much harder than anyone else and I'm tired. I don't understand why my parents bothered to have me. I was an "oops". My parents got married because my mom was pregnant with me. Well thanks to my father's shitty genes, I inherited the propensity for a mental illness and because of the verbal abuse and iron fisted control he exacted on me, combined with my ineffectual mother, I developed a mental illness. Frankly, it would have been so much easier if my mother would have just gotten an abortion. My life has been nothing but suffering and pain. I have never really enjoyed anything about my life or found any meaning at all in my 33 years. I am doomed to live the rest of my life this way. I've tried all the meds, tried all the therapy. I'm just tired, and bitter.
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am sorry you are in such a dark place right now. I doubt you will find any answers to a way out looking 33 years in the past at what you believe to be the errors of others. I hope you are able to find strength to look forward instead and try to plan a way to live instead of a way to die.
     
  3. MessengerFromHell

    MessengerFromHell Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that. Continue to talk to us if makes u feel better
     
  4. scaryforest

    scaryforest Banned Member

    ever express how they've made you feel to them?
     
  5. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    you have tried "all kinds of therapy" does that mean cbt and dbt as well as existential therapy, equine therapy, experiential therapy, art therapy, and all the others listed here: http://www.psychotherapy.org.uk/different_types_of_psychotherapy.html ? (by the way, even that is not a complete listing, there are a lot more types of therapy available)

    you say you've tried all kinds of meds, i'm assuming that means you are like me, and have tried all that you can afford based on what your insurance will cover... and/or what the doc will consent to actually prescribe...

    but, did you know there are alternative type therapies out there? currently i am doing aromatherapy... and i am finding great success with peppermint essential oil, rose essential oil and lavender essential oil... but there is a ton more essential oils out there and they all help with diff things both physical and emotional problems, here is a link to some others: http://www.theecologist.org/green_green_living/health_and_beauty/786191/top_10essential_oils.html , here is a basic description on how to use them: http://www.wikihow.com/Use-Essential-Oils and this is the site i get the majority of my essential oils from (they do need to be therapeutic grade or they will not serve their purpose): http://www.bulkapothecary.com . there are also foods and vitamins and minerals that can help you cope with depression, or in some cases even get over depression (for example if you have an iron deficiency or vitamin B complex deficiency, or not getting enough Omega-3 fatty acids -- may pay to go to a nutritionist or a doctor and ask for a blood panel to be drawn to see if you have any vitamin or mineral deficiencies). Here is more info on those things:



    Foods:

    http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/content/assets/PDF/publications/healthy_eating_depression.pdf


    Also sometimes exercising is a good way to get your brain producing more dopamine or serontonin ... which can help you keep depression away too. Here is that information:

    Excercise:

    http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/exercise-depression

    http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Depression_and_exercise


    General ideas to help cope:

    http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_tips.htm



    Many other people have taken to chiropractic care, yoga, marital arts, accupuncture, accupressure, and other types of unconventional type therapies that you can research on the web. I know you have tried a lot, but I'm almost sure there's at least ONE thing out there you have not yet tried... keep up the search!

    *hugs*

    PS I have been struggling with depression and suicidal ideation for 27 yrs, I know the frustration, and I know how easy it is to give in to..... just remember, this is you that you are fighting for, and you are worth it! Good luck!!
     
  6. faeriegirl

    faeriegirl Active Member

    Thanks for all the kind words. I have tried cbt, Sgt, psychoanalysis. I AM limited to more mainstream stuff as that is what my insurance covers and I don't have the means to pay for a LOT of alternative stuff out of pocket. I have tried every med any doctor suggested........SSRIs, SNRIs, TCAs, anticonvulsants, atypical antipsychotics. I have had intolerable side effects (I am ver med sensitive) ranging from massive weight gain, low blood pressure, nasty rashes.

    I realize what I should be fighting for.......myself. Problem is I just don't give a shit about myself anymore, and have no energy or interest to fight anymore. There is nothing left to fight for.
     
  7. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    My insurance doesn't pay for anything other than mainstream either.... thats why I'm electing to try the aromatherapy and the food and exercise thing. The oils are relatively cheap (0.5 oz lasts me and my husband over a month) for the most part.... most are between $2-$9, there is the occasional one that is more expensive (about $42), but those are rare and there is nothing saying you have to use the expensive ones. As far as the food thing goes, thats just a matter of altering the foods I choose to spend my grocery money on, not adding anything more to my budget.... and exercise is free! I am just suggesting you do what you can do, there are some things that cost very little to nothing even without insurance benefits or any other financial support to help you. It's just an idea... but perhaps worth considering.

    You say you don't care about yourself anymore, but if that were true... I mean 100% true... you would not still be reaching out. Do not mistake me. I am not saying you are wrong in reaching out. I am not saying it is bad you are reaching out. I'm using it as a way of showing you that you are not giving yourself credit for everything you are capable of.... for instance, you are capable of loving yourself even through all this pain... that takes a very strong person. I'm just trying to help guide you in a direction where that love you have may become more noticeable to yourself. Please take care.
     
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