I am feeling more suicidal right now, I think, than ever. I have a plan, a very very specific plan, which I have never taken the time to detail a plan so carefully before. I'm just sick and tired of fighting every single day and having a mental illness. I feel like Ihage to fight that much harder than anyone else and I'm tired. I don't understand why my parents bothered to have me. I was an "oops". My parents got married because my mom was pregnant with me. Well thanks to my father's shitty genes, I inherited the propensity for a mental illness and because of the verbal abuse and iron fisted control he exacted on me, combined with my ineffectual mother, I developed a mental illness. Frankly, it would have been so much easier if my mother would have just gotten an abortion. My life has been nothing but suffering and pain. I have never really enjoyed anything about my life or found any meaning at all in my 33 years. I am doomed to live the rest of my life this way. I've tried all the meds, tried all the therapy. I'm just tired, and bitter.