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Really have a problem

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Mandyrose, Sep 24, 2009.

  1. Mandyrose

    Mandyrose Member

    Hi. I am new here. I posted something in the "heartbroken" thread that i think really sums up what is going on with me right now. I met the love of my life when I was 19, I am 30 now. I have had a very fucked up life, and I am just so tired of this. I am wondering if anyone can shed a little insight on things for me.

    I came from a family of very disturbed people, pedophiles and schizophrenics and alcoholics. My mother had me when she was 19, I was born with a severe cleft palate and my father is an alcoholic and a pedophile, I believe with split personalities. My mother left me with him when I was about 2 or 3, and he remarried several times, we moved around a lot. I had many surgeries for my birth defect and now although I look a little different, I have no problem getting dates or what have you. I was always very smart in school, but have never made anything of it because I am always too depressed/moody/cyclical. I have tried all kinds of therapy and drugs, nothing helps for long. I am sick of trying.

    When I met H (I'll leave his name at that), I was 19 and it was the first day of art school. We are both artists. Through ten years we dated off and on, in between times I had a child out of wedlock with another man (I love my child and her father turned out to be a good one, even though he was not there for me during the pregnancy).

    I can't describe how I feel about H. When you have known someone so long, and been through so much, it's like I grew up with him, my whole conception of what a man is and what's beautiful and what's deeply inside of me are all wrapped up in him, he's such a strange and unique individual.

    When things got very serious with H, he got a job offer to move to New York City, great pay and a nice apartment etc. He took it and assumed I'd follow, even though I had a 3 year old here with two good parents, I didn't want to split my kid's parents geographically, because that is what my mother did to me and it hurt so badly.

    So H left, and assumed I would follow eventually. We got married in NYCity Hall, in 2006. I was going back and forth from NYC all the time then. We did all the museums, art galleries, great restaurants, great concerts. He paid for all the plane tickets and everything because I am always so mentally unbalanced and poor. He said he would support me if I moved to the city, and I could use all of my money from any job to visit my daughter or bring her for visits.

    Shortly after we married, I tried to move so many times to be with him, but I couldn't do it, it felt like I would be abandoning my daughter. I just couldn't do it. It tore me in half, it was the worst feeling in the world. How could I do this to her, she was still a baby. I broke it off with H, and he was very upset. he is a very prideful person and just can't tolerate things like that.

    Now it's almost 3 years later, and he paid for divorce papers, I signed them even though it killed me. I miss him so much and dream about him almost every night. Evrything reminds me of him, I feel like a bottomless pit of despair. I miss him so dearly, it is killing me inside. He has been dating another girl for about 2 years, they are very serious and I think she's made it clear that he is not allowed to speak to me. He has completely stopped speaking to me, which has always been his way when we are apart. but this time it feels different, it feels like he never wants to speak to me again. I think he thinks I'm crazy and good riddance. This person was really the love of my life, and i am filled with constant regret. I miss him and it is so excruciating. I have dated a lot of other people, most of them very nice, but no one can replace him. I am totally lost and can't deal with this pain. Please help! Every day is a challenge.
  2. Mandyrose

    Mandyrose Member

    Please help me! Every day is so hard right now. I feel so stupid about this.

  3. Mandyrose

    Mandyrose Member

  4. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I just read your post and I can see how this whole matter has been so difficult. I have had to make hard decisions because of my kids and I grieved for years over it.

    Please keep coming here and let us walk with you through the grief.
  5. Mandyrose

    Mandyrose Member

    Thank you Chargette. I really need help right now, it doesn't seem like I will ever get over this. Ten years! That is a third of my life!

    I just wish he would tell me he's okay and that everything is fine. I miss him so much, it's like not being able to speak to my own child. He will always be "my husband" to me, I can't let go. I will feel all right for a couple of days, then I will see something about New York City, or hear about him from mutual friends, or have a dream about him, and I fall apart totally. Just walking down the street openly crying. It's gotten so I rarely leave the house because everything reminds me of him and better times.

    He has completely cut off communication with me. I wish I could let it go, but then most times I think maybe I don't want to let it go. Maybe I hope I will never get better. Somehow it feels like if I do get over it, it is betraying a sacred memory, like it would be sacriligous.

    I just so desperately want to see him, to hug him, just to know he exists. He is like magic to me. My heart races every time we are close.

    The worst part is that right now, I have just filed for disability, because I am so unstable I cannot hold a job. I am very poor and it's only through the grace of a friend that I have anywhere to live. I know my ex-husband is happy and getting on with his life and doesn't even want to speak to me anymore, and it just breaks my heart and makes me feel so bitter. I just feel like my whole life has been so unbelievably hard, I had the chance for something beautiful and I couldn't make it work. It makes me so sad.

    Thanks for listening. Please help me. Does anyone here have something like this that made them so unbelievably sad they thought they'd never recover? how did you deal with it? I need help so, so badly. I feel like my life is over, nothing will ever be good again.
  6. Mandyrose

    Mandyrose Member

    Chargette, what were some of the things you had to decide? How did you deal with this?
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I loved my husband so much but he kept cheating on me and not coming home. I couldn't raise my child in this setting. To cope with it, every morning I would fiercely feel my love for him and wish him the best with a smile on my face because it was love I was feeling. I learned that even though he was not their I could still enjoy pure love for him. Most days that worked, but some days it left me crying.

    Time passed, I raised my daughter, I married again, but I always felt like something was missing. The more I participate some way in each day of life, I have distraction from that. It has subsided and I've come to acceptance and I acknowledge my feelings and work on not dwelling on it. Now there are many days where I don't even think of him and I can move on.
  8. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i'm sorry for you pain, it is a very hard time your going through. he has moved on and you obviously still love him. i dont know how to tell you to get over him, its just not that simple, give it time. invest time in your daughter focus on that relationship and try give her the best life you can