Hi. I am new here. I posted something in the "heartbroken" thread that i think really sums up what is going on with me right now. I met the love of my life when I was 19, I am 30 now. I have had a very fucked up life, and I am just so tired of this. I am wondering if anyone can shed a little insight on things for me. I came from a family of very disturbed people, pedophiles and schizophrenics and alcoholics. My mother had me when she was 19, I was born with a severe cleft palate and my father is an alcoholic and a pedophile, I believe with split personalities. My mother left me with him when I was about 2 or 3, and he remarried several times, we moved around a lot. I had many surgeries for my birth defect and now although I look a little different, I have no problem getting dates or what have you. I was always very smart in school, but have never made anything of it because I am always too depressed/moody/cyclical. I have tried all kinds of therapy and drugs, nothing helps for long. I am sick of trying. When I met H (I'll leave his name at that), I was 19 and it was the first day of art school. We are both artists. Through ten years we dated off and on, in between times I had a child out of wedlock with another man (I love my child and her father turned out to be a good one, even though he was not there for me during the pregnancy). I can't describe how I feel about H. When you have known someone so long, and been through so much, it's like I grew up with him, my whole conception of what a man is and what's beautiful and what's deeply inside of me are all wrapped up in him, he's such a strange and unique individual. When things got very serious with H, he got a job offer to move to New York City, great pay and a nice apartment etc. He took it and assumed I'd follow, even though I had a 3 year old here with two good parents, I didn't want to split my kid's parents geographically, because that is what my mother did to me and it hurt so badly. So H left, and assumed I would follow eventually. We got married in NYCity Hall, in 2006. I was going back and forth from NYC all the time then. We did all the museums, art galleries, great restaurants, great concerts. He paid for all the plane tickets and everything because I am always so mentally unbalanced and poor. He said he would support me if I moved to the city, and I could use all of my money from any job to visit my daughter or bring her for visits. Shortly after we married, I tried to move so many times to be with him, but I couldn't do it, it felt like I would be abandoning my daughter. I just couldn't do it. It tore me in half, it was the worst feeling in the world. How could I do this to her, she was still a baby. I broke it off with H, and he was very upset. he is a very prideful person and just can't tolerate things like that. Now it's almost 3 years later, and he paid for divorce papers, I signed them even though it killed me. I miss him so much and dream about him almost every night. Evrything reminds me of him, I feel like a bottomless pit of despair. I miss him so dearly, it is killing me inside. He has been dating another girl for about 2 years, they are very serious and I think she's made it clear that he is not allowed to speak to me. He has completely stopped speaking to me, which has always been his way when we are apart. but this time it feels different, it feels like he never wants to speak to me again. I think he thinks I'm crazy and good riddance. This person was really the love of my life, and i am filled with constant regret. I miss him and it is so excruciating. I have dated a lot of other people, most of them very nice, but no one can replace him. I am totally lost and can't deal with this pain. Please help! Every day is a challenge.