Really having a hard time... completely alone

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by treatmentgirl, Oct 26, 2009.

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  1. treatmentgirl

    treatmentgirl Member

    Hi, my name is Katie.

    I'm really struggling right now- I'm currently a freshman at college, and just got back from fall break. I'm in my dorm (alone, as always) and have just lost hope. I have a long story and am in a complicated situation, so this post will most likely be really long. Achk- I don't even know where to start.

    I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life- I started attempting s. in 7th grade. I was hospitalized twice in ninth grade and went to a wilderness program and a residential treatment center (for 7 weeks and eleven months respectively). I've been to many therapists and have tried countless medications. I attempted a year ago and was in the psych ward for a week, but got my life back together and graduated high school with the rest of my class.

    I currently go to a university about 3 hours (driving) from home. I live in the dorms and until recently had a great roommate. She stopped living here at the end of September, and my life has been pretty much going downhill from there. During that time I also developed a serious staph infection (MRSA) and missed 2 weeks of classes. Not only that, but with my roommate no longer living here I find myself having a much harder time trying to function. I'm a shy-ish person naturally and, with her gone, pretty much have little to no contact with others outside of classes. I basically go to my room and stay there. I am incredibley behind on my coursework- I just don't see how I could pass my classes this semester. Worst of all, I recently had the whole week at home to make up what I missed. Yet everytime I thought about school I started to have a panic attack. I can't bring myself to do simple tasks like doing the laundry or going to get something to eat.

    I got back to school today and realized how sad I truly was. While I am on good terms with a lot of people, I have no social life. I'm never invited to parties or get-togethers, and I don't know why. I've also never had a boyfriend or have even gone to a dance with one. Both of these things I've dealt with since the beginning of high school. I'm doing horribly in my classes. I had a 3.9 in high school, but for some reason I just can't do well here.

    I've fought so hard to stay alive- in fact, knowing how my death would affect my family and friends has been the ONLY thing that has kept me from attempting again. It just seems like it isn't possible for me to succeed in this life. I've tried SO HARD, and it just isn't fair. I can't see myself ever being truly happy.

    I just wish that my family didn't care about me, that I could peacefully end my pain without hurting anyone. It's physically painful to stay alive right now, and I've never been this lonely in my life. I'm just afraid that I'll convince myself that my family doesn't truly care about me and will be fine if I die- I've done this several times before.

    Please, please help me.
  2. Kruger613

    Kruger613 Member

    Hi, Katie. I'm new here as well, and I think you are doing a good thing by coming here to talk. It gives you an outlet to express your pain, and there are many nice people who generally seem to give good advice.

    You say you never get invited to things, next time you hear about something, why don't you try saying "Hey, that sounds fun, could I come?" I know it's hard, but it seems like you need to get out of your dorm.

    Also, you say you have friends, why not ask one of them if they could help with your work that you are behind in? Even if they don't help much, you'll still have their company, which is better than being alone.

    Hope everything gets better for you. :hug:
  3. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Is this your first semester at the university? If so, it's a big change. Also, being sick for two weeks can really take it out of a person and your roommate leaving has magnified your sense of loneliness.

    Would you be willing to try and open your drapes and leave your door open for a couple of hours in the evening? You never know who will say hi as they pass your room. This may be enough to dispel some of the gloom.

    In the meantime, please keep posting here, it will help.

  4. treatmentgirl

    treatmentgirl Member

    Thank you so much for the response.

    Unfortunately I am never really around people, so I don't hear about outings in the first place. I just... never interact with people. It's so embarrassing. I literally live in my room. I can barely handle the "hellos" exchanged in the hallways.

    I don't really know how I could ask for help- I'm just so far behind at this point that it seems impossible to catch up. Even when I was keeping up with everything, I was still struggling. I can't absorb information, and just have such a hard time learning things through readings.

    Right now I just want to go home. I want to be with my parents, and have them tell me everything is all right. It's just so ridiculous- I mean, I JUST got back from break. And all of a sudden, these emotions hit me like a wrecking ball. It's 11:15 (pm) right now, so I guess I'll just work through the night. But GOD, why didn't this break help me?! And why can't I function? I want to, so badly. But I can't.

    I just wish I could quit college. I can't really see how I could possibly succeed, even if I pull myself out of this slump. I'm alone, with no motivations or support system. Maybe going to school at home would be easier, but that just brings a whole new set of problems.
  5. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    I failed my 3rd semester at the university. A tooth infection and depression overwhelmed me. I made up my classes over the following two semesters.

    Don't worry about this semester. It's time to take care of yourself. Go to the medical clinic on campus and tell them what is happening and they will help you through it.

    Are you able to talk to your parents about this?
  6. treatmentgirl

    treatmentgirl Member

    I should call them, but it's late (for them) and I just don't know what to say. I'm no longer feeling QUITE so suicidal, but am still extremely hopeless. It's just so difficult. I can't continue to go to classes and things like that without keeping up with schoolwork, which I'm so behind in. But I know that missing school would make it worse.

    I'm going to make an appointment with the health center tomorrow, and I'll talk to my parents then too.
  7. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Let us know how it goes. In the meantime, post here all that you need to.

  8. treatmentgirl

    treatmentgirl Member

    Thank you. I just have no idea how to continue with school and stuff right now. I wish I could just start over.

    *tears hair out*

    I guess my best bet is to write out what I need to do *gulp* and just complete the bare minimum. I just feel like I'm drowning, and there's no way to pull myself out of this.

    God, I'm starting to get another panic attack. Going home for the semester seems so extreme, but also seems like the only option. I just need someone here right now. My parents, anyone.
  9. forgotten1591

    forgotten1591 Member

    Hi Kate. first of all, welcome I hope you find the poeple here helpfull.I have just started posting here too.

    The first year of university can be hard for anyone. I just go to a comunity college and I ended up droping a couple of my classes my first year do to the stresses for life. also so I can't imagine the stress of being that far away from family.

    Anyways, let us know everything turns out. I'm usually on to all hours of the night so feel free to pm me.
  10. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    You don't have to solve this tonight. Get as much rest as you can and go to the medical clinic in the morning. Do they have crisis services on campus? Does your college handbook have any information about what to do when you need help after hours?

  11. treatmentgirl

    treatmentgirl Member

    Thanks, but I'm too anxious to fall asleep- my heart is going way too fast and my mind is racing. I shoulde probably look over the syllabi and work.

    It's just so frustrating, because I know I won't be able to deal with these issues (talk to parents, counselors, etc) and keep up with school at the same time. At least, I don't know how. When I got in this state of mind I usually ended up at the hospital after a recent attempt. School got put on hold and teachers were really nice. Plus, there was WAY less to make up.

    Now I'm in an unfamiliar city with no family, way more to make up, much more at stake, and no easy or unembarrassing way to pull myself out of this situation and get help.

    Maybe things will be better in the morning... I dunno. I just wish time could freeze so I could deal with all of this. It doesn't help that I DID have the chance to make stuff up and for some reason didn't.

  12. treatmentgirl

    treatmentgirl Member

    Oh, and I go to a small school so there aren't too many resources. No crisis service really, other than waking up the RA and causing a scene (which would make everything worse). And since I'm no longer on the edge of committing suicide, I don't think that I'd be considered a crisis.

    Thank you so much for your support. It helps so much to know that there is someone out there.
  13. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey treatment girl, Why don't you take this semester off and start fresh next semester.. In the mean time go home and talk with your parents and get into some kind of therapy or counseling.. You can learn coping skills.. It sounds like you love your parents very much so go to them, I'm sure they will help you get the help you need..Take care of yourself!!!
  14. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome to the forum!

    I think the advice the others have given is great...we're lucky to have such awesome people around this forum that always seem to know what to say. I just wanted to let you know that I certainly realted to your story..and I'm here today. I hope that comes as inspiration to you!

    God bless!
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