Hi, my name is Katie. I'm really struggling right now- I'm currently a freshman at college, and just got back from fall break. I'm in my dorm (alone, as always) and have just lost hope. I have a long story and am in a complicated situation, so this post will most likely be really long. Achk- I don't even know where to start. I've struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life- I started attempting s. in 7th grade. I was hospitalized twice in ninth grade and went to a wilderness program and a residential treatment center (for 7 weeks and eleven months respectively). I've been to many therapists and have tried countless medications. I attempted a year ago and was in the psych ward for a week, but got my life back together and graduated high school with the rest of my class. I currently go to a university about 3 hours (driving) from home. I live in the dorms and until recently had a great roommate. She stopped living here at the end of September, and my life has been pretty much going downhill from there. During that time I also developed a serious staph infection (MRSA) and missed 2 weeks of classes. Not only that, but with my roommate no longer living here I find myself having a much harder time trying to function. I'm a shy-ish person naturally and, with her gone, pretty much have little to no contact with others outside of classes. I basically go to my room and stay there. I am incredibley behind on my coursework- I just don't see how I could pass my classes this semester. Worst of all, I recently had the whole week at home to make up what I missed. Yet everytime I thought about school I started to have a panic attack. I can't bring myself to do simple tasks like doing the laundry or going to get something to eat. I got back to school today and realized how sad I truly was. While I am on good terms with a lot of people, I have no social life. I'm never invited to parties or get-togethers, and I don't know why. I've also never had a boyfriend or have even gone to a dance with one. Both of these things I've dealt with since the beginning of high school. I'm doing horribly in my classes. I had a 3.9 in high school, but for some reason I just can't do well here. I've fought so hard to stay alive- in fact, knowing how my death would affect my family and friends has been the ONLY thing that has kept me from attempting again. It just seems like it isn't possible for me to succeed in this life. I've tried SO HARD, and it just isn't fair. I can't see myself ever being truly happy. I just wish that my family didn't care about me, that I could peacefully end my pain without hurting anyone. It's physically painful to stay alive right now, and I've never been this lonely in my life. I'm just afraid that I'll convince myself that my family doesn't truly care about me and will be fine if I die- I've done this several times before. Please, please help me.