Hi, first off, sorry for my bad grammar if any. I just feel more comfortable with English-speaking forums. Thanks. In a nutshell, I am in a position when I am in a very difficult situation, my mood doesn't help, therapy is not an option and I often feel like I have no right to be alive in the state I'm in. I promised someone to never kill myself (never tried before), but my life's been so miserable lately that, in all honesty, this promise is the only thing keeping me alive. I'm self-employed and hasn't been making much money lately; my situation is not "desperate" at present but it will become desperate very soon barring a miracle. I need to see a really skillful and experienced doctor and a good dentist, but my insurance works in such a way that first you pay and then you get reimbursed; I cannot spend anything before I earn more (which will not happen before new year). Tried to apply for jobs, but there must be something immensely job-repellent on my CV. Every morning I wake up thinking about it and it makes me sad; my health problems are not life-threatening but they make my living even more uncomfortable. I'm thinking that nobody needs my skills (or maybe I have nothing to offer), while everyone I know somehow seem to find their niche in life. I just cannot see justification for my own existence and often feel like I'm a waste of oxygen and the world would be a better place without me. On top of that I lost an ability to enjoy things in live; waking up just seems pointless because nothing good will happen and I will not be able to make anything good happen. I haven't taken my camera out for weeks and stopped playing board games, even a novel I started reading has been sadly sitting in my chair for more than a week. I had one PC game which I through out hoping I would do something useful instead of playing, but I don't. I have good education but I live in a foreign country; cannot speak language very well, but I'm able to work on it all the time except where my horrible sad state takes me over (such as now). Thought I could always come home to the place my father and I co-own, but today I found out he moven some lady in (it came like a total shocker to me). Looks like I will never get it right due to some choices I've made in my life. I'm not a criminal, able-bodied, no drinking, no substance use, just smoke cigarettes but not too much (yes I know I should not buy cigarettes). For a few months I've been unable to get myself going to do anything at all; need to make a cup of tea cause I'm really thirsty but cannot bring myself to do that.These "periods of inactivity" happened before, but this time it's much worse and the global recession does not help. I cannot talk to any friends or family. Family members are all male and we do not really talk about those things; we do not find as we used to maybe 10-15 years ago, but sometimes I think they would prefer me to die in a plane crash, in a way that allows them not to worry about the funeral. My father would only accept me if I produced babies or at least got married, doesn't matter to whom. There are a couple of people I could talk to, but it's Sunday, family time. My best friend has heard too much already; I started filtering myself after I realised we were not having good times anymore with me bringing up my sad feelings, so I'm trying to be brave even with my best friend, because I do need at least some happy time. Acquaintances that are available on Sundays are pointless to talk to; every time I tried to share my feelings with them I regretted it. I have a lot of social anxiety, especially around people I don't know very well. I was in a horrible no-way-out sad state before and my ex-boss and i were joking a bit that there is no support for people like me, since I'm not drinking, not doing drugs, not gay, have no HIV or cancer (hopefully!!!), so the only place to get help would be suicide forums. Don't want to call the local suicide line. I just wrote here because I read writing things down helps, and maybe someone writes me back. Best wishes!