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really in a crisis

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dolfinka, Nov 23, 2008.

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  1. dolfinka

    dolfinka Member

    first off, sorry for my bad grammar if any. I just feel more comfortable with English-speaking forums. Thanks.
    In a nutshell, I am in a position when I am in a very difficult situation, my mood doesn't help, therapy is not an option and I often feel like I have no right to be alive in the state I'm in.
    I promised someone to never kill myself (never tried before), but my life's been so miserable lately that, in all honesty, this promise is the only thing keeping me alive.
    I'm self-employed and hasn't been making much money lately; my situation is not "desperate" at present but it will become desperate very soon barring a miracle. I need to see a really skillful and experienced doctor and a good dentist, but my insurance works in such a way that first you pay and then you get reimbursed; I cannot spend anything before I earn more (which will not happen before new year). Tried to apply for jobs, but there must be something immensely job-repellent on my CV. Every morning I wake up thinking about it and it makes me sad; my health problems are not life-threatening but they make my living even more uncomfortable. I'm thinking that nobody needs my skills (or maybe I have nothing to offer), while everyone I know somehow seem to find their niche in life. I just cannot see justification for my own existence and often feel like I'm a waste of oxygen and the world would be a better place without me.
    On top of that I lost an ability to enjoy things in live; waking up just seems pointless because nothing good will happen and I will not be able to make anything good happen. I haven't taken my camera out for weeks and stopped playing board games, even a novel I started reading has been sadly sitting in my chair for more than a week. I had one PC game which I through out hoping I would do something useful instead of playing, but I don't.
    I have good education but I live in a foreign country; cannot speak language very well, but I'm able to work on it all the time except where my horrible sad state takes me over (such as now). Thought I could always come home to the place my father and I co-own, but today I found out he moven some lady in (it came like a total shocker to me).
    Looks like I will never get it right due to some choices I've made in my life. I'm not a criminal, able-bodied, no drinking, no substance use, just smoke cigarettes but not too much (yes I know I should not buy cigarettes). For a few months I've been unable to get myself going to do anything at all; need to make a cup of tea cause I'm really thirsty but cannot bring myself to do that.These "periods of inactivity" happened before, but this time it's much worse and the global recession does not help. I cannot talk to any friends or family. Family members are all male and we do not really talk about those things; we do not find as we used to maybe 10-15 years ago, but sometimes I think they would prefer me to die in a plane crash, in a way that allows them not to worry about the funeral. My father would only accept me if I produced babies or at least got married, doesn't matter to whom. There are a couple of people I could talk to, but it's Sunday, family time. My best friend has heard too much already; I started filtering myself after I realised we were not having good times anymore with me bringing up my sad feelings, so I'm trying to be brave even with my best friend, because I do need at least some happy time. Acquaintances that are available on Sundays are pointless to talk to; every time I tried to share my feelings with them I regretted it. I have a lot of social anxiety, especially around people I don't know very well. I was in a horrible no-way-out sad state before and my ex-boss and i were joking a bit that there is no support for people like me, since I'm not drinking, not doing drugs, not gay, have no HIV or cancer (hopefully!!!), so the only place to get help would be suicide forums. Don't want to call the local suicide line. I just wrote here because I read writing things down helps, and maybe someone writes me back. Best wishes!
  2. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    Hi Dolfinka, wellcome to SF. Sure it helps to write things down. Especially in a forum like this where noone is judged and everyone is heard! I'm sure you'll find a bit of relief talking to people who have your same problems. Maybe we cannot have all the answers, but we'll support you all the way. Try to get used to old habits that may be helpful to you. Force yourself to finish that book :-D. Your problems will slowly became a thing of the past, you'll see!. Hugs!
  3. dolfinka

    dolfinka Member

    Thanks, Sil, it's really nice of you to reply. Strange to start my day with visiting SF, but maybe this is where help comes from. I just want to be able to write down and to have something like a support group, since I cannot pay for a real one right now. Cheers and have a good day
  4. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Hi there and welcome to the forum. I too start most days by coming here and I guess that's because the place is like a sanctuary. I don't have to put on the "I'm OK" mask that I wear in the outside world. Writing things down does help and talking to people who aren't judgemental is a great support. People here understand because we are all in the same boat. In one way it's like having a family who you can communicate with. Only a pm away if you ever want to chat. Best wishes. S.
  5. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Welcome. I can really relate to what you wrote about job hunting. I'm currently unemployed and my savings are running out fast. It's so discouraging to apply for jobs and hear nothing back. I have 10 years experience in my field but that doesn't seem to matter. I went to a career counsellor and she said I have too much experience, that there is nothing wrong with me or my resume. I hang on to her words, because the alternative is to think that there is something wrong with me, and that is a terrible feeling.
    Glad you found us. Keep posting.
  6. annomus_87

    annomus_87 Member

    "hope sees the invisible, feels the intangible and achieves the impossible." we r ur support team now. accept it. and u will overcome ur weakness. u r a strong person. believe in ur self. because i believe.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello dolfinka,
    Depression raises it's ugly head in so many different ways. It sounds to me that you need and want to talk about it. Don't be afraid to let it out here because none of us will judge you for your decisions. We will try to shed some light on your problems.
    It sounds like you are ready to bust at the seams. PM me and you can vent all that anger out. I won't take it personal. I know you need an outlet so let me help you in that respect. I am here for you and will be waiting for you to let it all out!!Take Care!~Joseph~
  8. dolfinka

    dolfinka Member

    Guys you are all so nice and friendly, thanks a million!
    As Dazzle says, the situation does make you think that it's you who is a problem :S. I was already thinking I was blacklisted (long story why I'd think it, but believe me friends, it's not an IRRATIONAL fear).
    The most horrible things is that I know what I *should* be doing, even with little to no money - where I come from self-teaching and self-learning is a big part of culture, so I *should* do language exercises and read books, *should* take care about website, *should* send a lot of unsoliticed mail to companies that send ME unsolicited mail, but is that bloody depression or am I just unable to do things? I tried to register with the procrastinators anonymous, but somehow my application is still pending.
    I have this plan of a web-based recession-time entretainment magazine all in my head, and I do have time to really make it, which would at least be fun distraction, at most will get me noticed and career-change, but I'm unable to actually start doing it. A friend brought me st-john's wort, but I cannot notice it helping too much, any of you have experience with it?
    Anyway I've got to work on something during January, maybe you know of any religion/tradition when Santa comes in February?
    Have a great day guys, love you loads
  9. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    welcome to the forum. I know what you mean. i have been in that state where i am basically stagnant. i was so discouraged and didn't even want to get out of bed. I can't believe you've reached that point in your life without drinking and doing drugs for support. You are my hero.
  10. dolfinka

    dolfinka Member

    Sudut, thanks a lot for your message and compassion,however

    well that's the point. If I used substances I'd understand why things happen and then there are support groups for users. I ain't nobody's hero since I have no excuse for reaching that point.
    cheers, take care of yourself
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