To cut to the chase, I have OCD. My biggest obsessions are about illnesses and things wrong with my body. Over the past week, I found out that I got the job I was trying for. Since I start next week, I thought I would get some appointments out of the way. Well, I lost insurance a couple years ago and haven't had a physical ever since. For many years then, I was having normal pap smears and my underactive thyroid has been well controlled on the same dosage of meds for the past 5 years. I feel reasonably healthy, I dance ballet, and I have had no abnormal symptoms of any kind. So, since I don't have health insurance, i called my local health department. I have never been to one so I asked what all was involved in the exams, she said a pap, basic examinations, pelvic examinations......and STI screening. All of a sudden like a ton of bricks, I felt fear overcome my whole body. I thought to myself, OMG I have never been tested and what if they find something? I tried to calm down and tell myself that I have been in a monogamous relationship for 8 years now and surely any STI would have had time to wreck my health by now. Well, then I researched a little bit and for the most part, I was right about that...until I read up about HIV. I read that you can be asymptomatic for as long as 20 years, that is without treatment. I have been a nervous wreck ever since. I have a constant upset stomach, heart palpitations, can't sleep, and have no appetite. What I am worried about is that I have only had two partners, including the one I am with now. I only had intercourse with my first partner twice...but the condom broke and we stopped immediately. I don't remember but we might have had oral a few times, but I am not sure. This incident would have happened a little over 8 years ago. Then, I met the person I am with now and we have had intercourse a few times in the beginning, all protected as well. BUT, even though I haven't had intercourse in over 7 years, we have had very regular sexual contact. My first partner only had one sexual encounter before me (and from what I know, she is in the army now which I hope is a good indication she wasn't infected) and my partner now has had 2 partners and had one encounter each that was protected (and all of these partners in both situations have children which I also hope is a good sign that they have indeed been tested). I am almost 24 and my initial risks would have been when I was in high school and 16 years old. I was a different person then, a foolish person. I have no sex ed where I live and I honestly didn't know better then. Even when I became more educated in college, I still thought, well, we have been together this long and have been healthy so that must mean we don't have anything. It makes me really angry that I wasn't better educated and angry that through my past appointments that noone ever offered or suggested testing to me (despite me being totally honest about my sexual history). I am so scared. I have an appointment tomorrow morning to have a full workup and I can barely function right now. I will NOT be able to handle waiting on the tests to come back, I simply will lose it. All I can think about is how guilty I feel for being so stupid then...and what if I gave my boyfriend a disease....and how will I kill myself if it is positive because I certainly would lose everyone in my life and lose everything I have worked so hard to get. My life was starting to look up...and now I can't help but think that my past will come back to bite me and take it all away. Having OCD is making this 10000 time worse. I logically know that I have no greater chance to have HIV than any other illness but the anxiety magnifies it as something much bigger than that. It is like I have already made my mind up that the tests will be positive. I have been praying constantly and I feel like God won't help me because I deserve this disease for being so stupid and careless. Sex has always been a source of great anxiety for me. I have currently been battling irrational pregnancy scares for the past 2 years...but this is much worse, MUCH worse. I feel so sick and I just want to disappear.