Really need advice... please read...

[yada]

I know that people don't usually read or respond to my long posts, so I promise I'll try to keep it short, as much as I can. I really need advice on where to go from here...

I hated the first 20 years of my life, because I was fat, bullied in school, and was treated like a slave by my parents ... abused and stifled from doing anything that most anyone would be proud of. My sister was treated like a queen, and I was denied the ability to do anything, though I had lots of ambition. 6 yrs later that I should've, I tore away from my parents' rule and went to college in the U.S. Since then I've been playing catch-up, working multiple full-time jobs etc, to build myself a decent financial status, and at the cost of my personal life. And in all this, I kept feeling like I'm out of place because I was older than everyone else. Due to some down-turn in the dot-com sector about 5 yrs ago, I started a business (design/manufacturing of certain electronic products), ignoring some advice by the SBA who said it would be tough to start a manufacturing business from scratch, on my own money, and with no wife/kids/etc to support me. But I did anyway and after significant struggles, I am now making a profit on this. Great, but my personal life has really suffered from all this. I am 40 now, and still single. Girls now look at me like I'm an old man, not because of my looks/behaviour, but only after they hear my age. It's been tough to accept that I will most likely not ever have the life I wished for, and the life I thought I was working hard to achieve.

I've been very depressed for about a year now for this reason, and in this time, my parents still treat me like crap when I speak with them. At the beginning of this year, I stopped speaking with them (for my own sanity) and changed my phone number. In March, I bought a gun with the intention of taking myself out, though I wanted to complete certain things I was working on first, so I kept it in reserve. But I'm still trying to find a way to stick around. My parents have been bothering my cousins (who know where I am) to reach me. They came to the US this past weekend and I agreed to meet them, but it was an unpleasant discussion. In our culture, it is unusual for someone to be unmarried at 40. And my parents hate the image they have in society because of this. I'd like to be, but I won't settle for the next girl that walks past me just to say I'm married, or just to please them. Even after telling them that I am still trying to decide whether I can accept failure or just off myself, I was told that I am a nobody because I'm single. The discussion ended with me storming out of the restaurant.

So why do I feel guilty? I know they're old and I should be supporting them at this age, but they robbed me of my childhood, abused me verbally for the next 20 years, and obviously care more about their own image in society rather than my happiness, so why should I feel guilty? Why do I feel like *I* and hurting *them*?! It hurts me that I now have absolutely no one to turn to ... and although I have not had the best relationship with my parents, I guess I always felt that they'd be there for me. My sister never seems to have time for me since she got married a decade ago, and I have no wife or kids to come home to. And my cousins, who supported me during this tough time has recently expressed that I am bothering them and they have their own lives to live. I have no support anywhere. I'd still like to off myself, but the thing holding me back is that I still worry if my parents would be affected by it ... mostly by the negative image they'll get with their friends/society. And my nieces would be affected.

I'm confused. Why can't I let go (of my parents)? Why can't my mind understand that I have been abused and let me tell them to go to hell without feeling guilty? For financial reasons, I can't even see a professional about all of this, and the suicide hotline is a bunch of idiots. I'm not even sure if that would help as I understand that counselors/psychiatrists/psychologists try just to get at an understanding of what the problem is, but I already know what the problem is. I really need advice on what to do here, please!!!

If you made it this far, I really appreciate it. Thanks.

 

[Terry]

Indian by any chance Yada? I ask because my friend Dilesh gets the same crap from his parents (he's 35) partly because they fear he's gay and partly cos its just not the done thing in his culture to be single.
Like you, he refuses to compromise and is holding out for the right girl and not settling just to please the family.

You say you've got the business up and running, well now is the time to start looking for that person, join a dating agency, evening class, club..anything where you are likely to meet like minded people.
Parents, I know its hard but you just have to put them on the back burner. If and when you meet someone, then maybe you could let them back in, but it sounds like they are the type of parents who will find fault no matter what you do, so do whats right for you and everyone else will just have to lump it.

 

[rd9671]

Yada,
I am sorry that things haven't been easy for you, I wish there were a simple answer to this but unfortunately there is not, but I suspect you already knew that.
Anyway, my brother was in a similar position as you are ;starting a fresh business (which he has struggled at for the past 13 years) without the help of anyone really. He made up his mind to find someone to be with online. He ended up marrying a wonderful lady from a nearby town. With that he has alot of support from her and her two daughters.
I guess what I am saying is that it is possible to meet someone that is wonderful and caring at any stage in life, but it takes some time. I recommend trying out a few dating services.
As far as the parents are concerned, yeah, you need to let them go. That is something I can relate to from firsthand knowledge. My mother and I have a very strained relationship. I have finally cut the ties that bind. That is what you should do as well.... it will allow for you to have some healing time. From there concentrate on a circle of friends that you can rely on.
Good Luck and if there is anything I can do, just pm me anytime.

 

[yada]

Yes Indian, though I was born/raised in the caribbean. Sure I know that I can still have a decent life with someone, but it will come with a major effort. My lifestyle is still very tough ... I work from home 25 hrs per day, and have very little social life. And when I do go out, either I feel bad/odd being the only single guy in a group of married people my age (or younger than me), or I feel bad/odd being the old man in a group of younger single people. So I even avoid going out now. And not spending the money helps too. And even if there's still a chance, I don't know if I have the fight left in me. Everything in life has been a majorstruggle for me, and though I think I've achieved a lot by any standard, in spite of my parents' suppression, I am not sure how much more of this I can handle. I should've recovered from it a long time ago.

As for dating services, I've heard here in the U.S. they really don't cater much to Indians ... it's either white or black and no in-betweens. Chances otherwise are very slim. The depression has had me demotivated to work out and I drown my depressive moments in ice cream. Really, just one month of controlling myself will put me back in shape but it's hard to motivate myself to do this. If I can work thru that I'd be up for trying it though.

My problem though is why can't I let myself tell my parents to go to hell. They're mostly responsible for ruining my life, given me hell about my life being ruined, and now *I* feel guilty for shutting them out?! I've become weak, and I hate weakness, so I hate myself now. I think somehow I subconsciously feel that even with a bad relationship between us, that they're still family to me and cutting them off would be that last blow to me that I have absolutely no one. Yet I have a right not to take this constant abuse from them. At some point in life, your parents should change from being rulers to being a friend, but my parents have been slave drivers' and never changed that.

 

[Insignificant]

yada i hear you when you wonder why you are having a hard time letting go of what your parents think. i am really going to try to explain how i believe this works.

when we're born we have our parent(s). they are our everything. we must count on them for food, shelter, clothes and support. not everyone gets this but this is not my point right now. they are our role models who we look up to. we count on them. right?

when we become older and we find that someone special and we decide to marry. then the connection between the child and the parent changes. the role changes. a good visual example of this is when the father gives the bride away. she has then made her spouse her primary source for support and so on. now obviously this doesn't mean she still won't look up to her parents or whatnot, the same going for the man. what it does mean is that her focus changes and it becomes towards her mate first and foremost. they will make the decisions together. sure either could speak with the parents and get their opinion but the one that becomes the most important (or should) is the mates.

this is just the basics here. there are those of course that are so attached to their parents that even still following marriage value the opinion of the parents more, but this i don't believe is how it is intended. and of course, there are all kinds of variations of this, but like i said i believe this is the basics.

so at least to me it makes perfect sense this attachment you have to your parents. yada, don't give up on finding a mate. although he is now my ex husband he was 41 when we met and married, so it can happen. just got to get out there and do a little more livin' than just work. personally, i find it no crime to still be single at your age. it's your parents issue. you don't have to make it yours.

ok i've rambled on enough. i hope that made some sense. if you have further questions about this feel free to ask me. i will do the best that i can to help. in the meantime please take care of yourself and get rid of that gun, please?

 

[yada]

The issue causing my depression really isn't about marriage though. Sure it would be nice, but there are bigger issues, like belonging somewhere. Marriage would solve that, but I should still be accepted elsewhere, and I know I'm not. My lifestyle over the past many years has pulled me away from close friends, and they're married now anyway, so the relationship changes. Also, my cousin's family, who has been very supportive to me over the past 3/4 year during my depression, is treating me like crap, and I am not getting a clear reason why. That especially burns me now as I confided in them about a lot of my issues and feel like it's all been thrown back at me in one shot. And then there are even bigger things that I won't tell anyone, not even on an anonymous forum. I've been dealing with these for years and it would all be acceptable if I just had some support. You know that feeling you have after a really long/hard day at work and you just want to come home, to the place you belong, with the people you belong with, sit down and breathe a major sign of relief? Well that's how I've been feeling, except it's not just one hard day -- it's a hard life -- and I don't have any people I belong with to go breathe that sigh of relief.

I think I agreed to meet my parents because at the end of the day I was hoping we could recover the relationship, and I think just one "sorry" would've worked for me. But telling me I was never abused (emotionally and physically), and I should just get over it, and that I"m a nobody because I'm single, just made it worse.

THe real issue now, is that in spite of being a very logical person, and can clearly see I've been wronged by them, I can't seem to tell throw then out of my life. My mom cried when we met and it really hurt me. Why!?!? And at one point I told her to shut up and feel really bad about saying that now. What is wrong with me that I can't tell them to go to hell, when it barely begins to be fair for the abuse I've taken, and continue to take, from them?

I've been thru some very hard times this past year, and some days in there have been real hell. I told myself I could not endure another one of those, so I bought the gun. Oddly, just knowing it's there and gives me an instant way out has relieved me of some of the emotional pain. Whereas I won't just get rid of it, I am trying whatever I can to find another solution. This is why I am here typing this still. I am logical and intellingent. Instead of just drinking and doing drugs in this state, I understand that it won't solve anything and I've stopped drinking. I am also holding back because I expect it would hurt my nieces. I find it hard to ask for help and hard to open up to people, yet I've done so, and then got back-stabbed. I have no idea what else to do from here. For now though, I want to just get out of the feeling of guilt about my parents that I rightfully should not be feeling.

 

[Reki]

I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through, Yada, and my two cents probably isn't much because I doubt, with my being 18, that I can tell you much you don't already know. About your parents though, maybe you can't let go of them simply because they're your parents. My father's lack of initiative or motivation to do anything that doesn't directly benefit him is the main reason I can hardly afford college, much less anything else. He left for some training halfway across the world and while he drops a line every few weeks, I haven't seen him since. My mother is a drug addict that's in and out of jail, believe it or not she was in jail recently simply because it was easier to live in there than the outside world, she's currently in again for reasons I've forgotten, her own father won't visit her anymore because it's just too tiresome now. Still, I love and hate them both at the same time simply because I've known them for so long and they are still my parents.

Maybe because you don't have a marriage yet, they're the place you feel like you belong the most, even though that feeling itself might be pretty small. I mean, at the end of the day, your friends can leave you and whatever you have might get taken, but whether you like it or not, or whether they like it or not, they're still the people that raised you, however bad a job they might have done at it.

I won't be so arrogant as to tell you not to kill yourself, but I hope you don't. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't have as much experience as you, but I've seen that life can change sometimes even in an instant. Maybe you should try and tell your parents how you feel about what they've done to your life, how you feel about them personally. Do you really hate them, or do you hate what it was they did to you? Maybe it's both, but maybe if they understood a little better how it was you were feeling they wouldn't be so quick to make you unhappy.

I really do hope things work out for you, you don't deserve to be unhappy.