I know that people don't usually read or respond to my long posts, so I promise I'll try to keep it short, as much as I can. I really need advice on where to go from here... I hated the first 20 years of my life, because I was fat, bullied in school, and was treated like a slave by my parents ... abused and stifled from doing anything that most anyone would be proud of. My sister was treated like a queen, and I was denied the ability to do anything, though I had lots of ambition. 6 yrs later that I should've, I tore away from my parents' rule and went to college in the U.S. Since then I've been playing catch-up, working multiple full-time jobs etc, to build myself a decent financial status, and at the cost of my personal life. And in all this, I kept feeling like I'm out of place because I was older than everyone else. Due to some down-turn in the dot-com sector about 5 yrs ago, I started a business (design/manufacturing of certain electronic products), ignoring some advice by the SBA who said it would be tough to start a manufacturing business from scratch, on my own money, and with no wife/kids/etc to support me. But I did anyway and after significant struggles, I am now making a profit on this. Great, but my personal life has really suffered from all this. I am 40 now, and still single. Girls now look at me like I'm an old man, not because of my looks/behaviour, but only after they hear my age. It's been tough to accept that I will most likely not ever have the life I wished for, and the life I thought I was working hard to achieve. I've been very depressed for about a year now for this reason, and in this time, my parents still treat me like crap when I speak with them. At the beginning of this year, I stopped speaking with them (for my own sanity) and changed my phone number. In March, I bought a gun with the intention of taking myself out, though I wanted to complete certain things I was working on first, so I kept it in reserve. But I'm still trying to find a way to stick around. My parents have been bothering my cousins (who know where I am) to reach me. They came to the US this past weekend and I agreed to meet them, but it was an unpleasant discussion. In our culture, it is unusual for someone to be unmarried at 40. And my parents hate the image they have in society because of this. I'd like to be, but I won't settle for the next girl that walks past me just to say I'm married, or just to please them. Even after telling them that I am still trying to decide whether I can accept failure or just off myself, I was told that I am a nobody because I'm single. The discussion ended with me storming out of the restaurant. So why do I feel guilty? I know they're old and I should be supporting them at this age, but they robbed me of my childhood, abused me verbally for the next 20 years, and obviously care more about their own image in society rather than my happiness, so why should I feel guilty? Why do I feel like *I* and hurting *them*?! It hurts me that I now have absolutely no one to turn to ... and although I have not had the best relationship with my parents, I guess I always felt that they'd be there for me. My sister never seems to have time for me since she got married a decade ago, and I have no wife or kids to come home to. And my cousins, who supported me during this tough time has recently expressed that I am bothering them and they have their own lives to live. I have no support anywhere. I'd still like to off myself, but the thing holding me back is that I still worry if my parents would be affected by it ... mostly by the negative image they'll get with their friends/society. And my nieces would be affected. I'm confused. Why can't I let go (of my parents)? Why can't my mind understand that I have been abused and let me tell them to go to hell without feeling guilty? For financial reasons, I can't even see a professional about all of this, and the suicide hotline is a bunch of idiots. I'm not even sure if that would help as I understand that counselors/psychiatrists/psychologists try just to get at an understanding of what the problem is, but I already know what the problem is. I really need advice on what to do here, please!!! If you made it this far, I really appreciate it. Thanks.