Really not sure what to call this thread... (Warning: could trigger)

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Big-Davey, Mar 13, 2011.

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  1. Big-Davey

    Big-Davey New Member

    Hi everyone, I signed up last summer but as of yet I've not really had much to post on here regarding myself.

    Since then however, things have taken many unexpected turns...some fortunate but even those have had negative downsides...

    Before I begin, it might be worth mentioning I am 22, live in the UK and have a mild form of Aspergers. This will be a long post but it will sum everything complicated that I've had to cope with.

    I moved out of my parents place in December for many reasons (being unemployed for almost a year, gathering what confidence I could, only for it to be constantly dashed, built-up frustration from my family, they have financial problems as it is and were believers of the old "unemployed people cannot afford to have a social life" theory). I moved from Sheffield down to Hemel Hempstead in Hertfordshire thanks to a couple of my closest friends who amazingly stuck by me through thick and thin. Without a job, without many people I know down here, I've depended on them so much.

    I have this friend I found through the internet over a year ago now. We grew gradually closer but admittedly far too close as both our feelings and emotions began to get messy. Eventually one day (after a number of weeks of us arguing about me being "delusional" for me believing it would one day work as she lived in Kent while I was in Sheffield), she told me she couldn't take this anymore and told me she had to disappear...not in a bad way, simply put she would be removing herself from my life. Facebook, Live Messenger, even (from her side at least) mobile phone. I was devastated. Without thinking I began to overdose. This was the first time I'd ever even considered anything like this, all I knew was with all the stress I'd experienced, and how much me and my friend had shared, and I began to panic for the first time in my life...truly feel lost for the first time too...

    Suffice to say, I luckily didn't take a toxic amount of whatever it is I took (I've blocked the details out of my head since and it's more than helped me ensure it wouldn't happen again. But it's what happened next that stunned me.

    I managed to get my laptop back the next day to close my FB account down, as per my parents instructions. And I had a friend request on there, as well as sixteen private messages. All from her. Somehow, she knew what I'd done, without anyone even saying anything. The messages began with her apologising for being so harsh and didn't think of my feelings. She was concerned I hadn't immediately responded to her and she was very worried about my mental state (despite me never having any problems in the past). So later that day we ended up on the phone and I held my hands up. She said if anything it was more of a reason to be out of my life but she also knew she couldn't walk away from me because of it...but also because of how much she cared about me. Ever since that day, things were good...but somewhat different if that makes sense. We very rarely flirted, we very rarely had long chats on the phone, and she would only talk to me if she had spare time, not if she actually wanted to, like what she used to. Something, from her side at least, had definitely changed.

    My friend had had her fair share of troublesome times, and over time it turned her into what she coined herself as a "hard faced bitch"...she felt uncomfortable with soft talk, deep talk, anything serious unless it didn't involve emotions etc. Fair does because while I did struggle to accept that, I always managed to find a way around it.

    I really miss what we used to have...it was as good as perfect as I was ever going to get. Even without being more than friends, everything was just right. But ever since that day, things just haven't been the same, and in time it's become more and more distant...up to the present day where we're lucky to talk once a week? As of right now, it's actually been 10 days since I last spoke to her. I might as well be honest too, since I moved out of my parents house, and because I've not yet been able to find my own accomodation (being a young, single, unemployed male, it's next to impossible) nor find a job. And because she's got it all; a job, a house, everything...hell she's younger than me too...but the nature of our friendship has changed dramatically. To me at least, it suddenly feels like it's not a friendship anymore...more a case of her feeling the need to keep an eye on me. Especially when the few times we have talked, she'd always pester and badger me for not doing enough to look for a place to live or a job.

    Now I've grown used to it, I'll be honest. But then something happened the last time we spoke (10 days ago). Her Facebook said she was in a relationship with someone. She wasn't the type to date and make a go of it, but mostly because of how busy she was with her own life and her workload. I felt obliged to send her a text message telling her I was happy for her (which I was, and still am) and I hope it works out. She text me back saying she hoped so as well.

    Then on Wednesday last week (the 9th of March), I saw she had uploaded a picture up on Facebook of her and her new boyfriend. The moment I realised what I was looking at, something gave way inside of me. I felt horrible...jealous? Maybe...but probably replaced. The honest truth is I thought I was over her, and for a while now given how comfortable I am with the way things are between us now, all relatively distant etc. So why is this chewing me up so much? It's getting me down at random times of the day, usually in the evening...like right now. Am I jealous? If I am then that means I'm still not completely over her...which is the last thing I want to accept about myself right now. Do I feel replaced? If so then I'd surely have to tell her, which she wouldn't want to hear because of the nature of the conversation.

    So I guess it's a battle I've got to keep firmly on my shoulders...and mine alone. It's a heavy burden, what with how much I do still care about her (being good friends from the very beginning despite everything that's happened)...I just hope fate will chuck me a lifeline in some form or another.

    Sorry this is so long, but it's something I felt the need to finally let out. Not in a journal, incase anyone had any words of any kind to share.

    Thanks :)
     
  2. Stormrider

    Stormrider Well-Known Member

    I think i understand it(or at least a bit)
    If i'm right you never met in person ?
    Offcourse maybe if you'd ever met then things could have gone fine, but you'll never know, talking to a person and really being together can be 2 very different things.
    The thing is i think you can stay friends, you say you feel like she thinks she needs to keep an eye on you, but that's just what good friends do, trying to help each other when things get rough.It's nice too have a friend like that.
    Try to see her as a friend so you don't have to be jealous at her boyfriend.
    Also you don't need to feel bad about being a bit jealous, it's normal. You said you were happy for her so you did nothing wrong. Things don't always (rarely) turn out as we want them to be.
    I knew a girl once that i could talk too, laugh with, but she was in a relation, i really liked here and i would love to have a chance to get to know her better and maybe even have a relantionship with her, but i never told her because i wouldn't feel comfortable disturbing her relationship. Anyway she moved away and we didn't see each other anymore, i guess it made it a bit easier for me to forget about it. I never even told anybody about this. guess i'm going a bit off topic here.

    Anyway i'm just trying to say to stay friends and nothin more. It's ok to have feelings but if you keep hoping for something that isn't likely to happen with a person then you're hurting yourself more and more.
    Don't know if this helps in any way, just tried to share my thoughts here.
    Try to give it a place in your life without obsessing about it.
    I just read a bit about the Aspergers syndrom so i think it makes things even harder for you.
    Remember the forum is always open if you need to talk about something, i took a while for me too to use this forum, but i think it really helped me a bit.
     
  3. Big-Davey

    Big-Davey New Member

    I honestly believe it's the Aspergers that's making it so hard for me. Without it sounding like i'm using it as an excuse. Because at very least I'd surely be able to cope and interpret everything better?

    You're right, we've never met. And like I said, I do like what we still have...I guess as I said myself, the way things got too intimate early on it was what I was used to...I might be jealous, yeah...but at least I had the cajones to tell her I was pleased for her, which I am.

    Thanks :)
     
  4. Stormrider

    Stormrider Well-Known Member

    To me it sounds like you're handling it great even in your situation.
    I'm sure she liked hearing you were happy for her :goodjob:
    Don't ignore your feelings but also don't focus on them too much, i'm sure she'll be happy to keep some contact with you if it doesn't put pressure on her relation.
    And keep visiting the forum if you like, good mood, bad mood, people here don't judge (if they do the the moderators will hunt them down :laugh: )
     
  5. Seems_Perfect

    Seems_Perfect Well-Known Member

    I agree with Stormrider - I think you handled the news of her relationship very well. Also, the fact you sent her a message wishing her the best was the mark of someone with class. Very cool of you.
     
  6. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    There're lots of fish out there. One of our faults is getting too attached to things.
     
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