Really pathetic

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Theone, Jun 16, 2010.

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  1. Theone

    Theone Well-Known Member

    hi everyone im sorry to keep posting and think im doing it to often but i need someway to vent with people that dont know me, basically i have been seeing a psychiatric nurse for 2-3 sessions and ive been told to keep a mood diary and im going to post it on here...... i have edited the names out but everything else is the same i just.... i dunno... wanted to know if anyone else thought this way any of the time... dont feel like anythings helping... it has a number at the start of each entry with 10 being really good mood and 1 being the absolute worst.... there have been some fantastic members on here that have told me i can pm them but i dont know what to say to them.... this could be pointless but whatever.... oh ps i dont want any of my views to offend it just what i was thinking at the time....

    Went for a 1-1:30hr walk around the park in the sun today, was nice felt 8 most of the day, not much else

    Friday 2:00
    7/8 feeling ok today, still bit angry with friend as he is being childish, had a bit of a walk today but nothing major

    Sunday 9:50
    Feeling really really panicky again, really nervous, was just looking at pictures when happened, breathing really fast, very strange, can't seem to calm myself down

    3 started contemplating ending everything and how I could do it... Lined up all my tablets (everything I have) on table think it's enough but can't get myself to do it... Keep thinking I'm being selfish and the only person who il hurt is the person who finds my body, if I fail it would be even worse... Wish someone was around... Though wouldn't talk to them about it..

    Thursday 1:15am
    Reading Sundays diary entry..., feeling really ashamed and pathetic... It's weird even when I'm not that down still don't want to go on really, it's all... Blah... I'm sitting opposite one of my best friends in the world and all I want to do is tell her how much she means to me then end it all..... Why why why!
    I really can't be bothered... Life only has the importance that we place on it and seeing as I don't place any on mine it seems pointless.... No one will say it's ok to end it, is always there's everything to live on but why can't I just have freedom, freedom at last.... I'm not being melodramatic just all seems like shit to me.... I FUCKING HATE IT

    Wednesday 15th
    Been too long since I've written anything in the diary, know I shouldn't leave it this long, it's really weird at the moment.... I've spent the last couple of days feeling content mood wise but I literally can't stop thinking about wanting to end it... Am I crazy or something or do other people think this way... The thing is this diary helps me organize my thoughts but I can't be completely honest for fear, fear that il be judged, fear of what could rotationally happen if I write down my true intentions.... I keep thinking this trip could be a perfect way to end my life, as I know there is a large cliff face but would it be fair on those around me... Do I just need to accept that no matter which/ what way I do it I'm going to hurt someone and I should forget about it and do it now... I've been thinking of a way to get around this for a while now I think that if I could get everyone I know to hate me; actually hate me then they wouldn't care when the time come ls and I act.... Is this a good idea... Think ***** and *** would see through it... If they see through it il probably get committed and then fuck.... See if god was actually real I could ask him to strike me down... I'm so glad he isn't though or would have to go through heaven/ hell for eternity and I would hate that.. I want there to be an end... Everything has a start-middle-end why do people think life is any different... There is nothing after deal with it... See facts... The worst thing about all this is the Christian argument... Fuck you... Do I try to push my beliefs on u? No I don't, so fucking shut the hell up...
  2. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    Hey, keep talking to you us. :hugtackles:
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