really??? (possible trig)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ThornThatNeverHeals, Sep 9, 2012.

  1. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    So im helping my mom remodel out bathroom this weekend, and part of the project is using razor blades. brand... new... clean... sharp... damn. I havent cut since i had to have my arm glued back together, and have only frostbit once..... but lately ive been having horrid urges. Mother cant get the damn blades out of the container, so gives it to me to take one out then walks away... WTF????? i wanted to take one so bad, but ive been fighting it, i got one out and all but threw it back into her hands. She was cutting some pieces for the floor and kept trying to give it to me,but i wouldnt touch it... i just couldnt stand it... then she cant cut a piece. So i take the blade and make the cut on the plastic and set it down and walk away.... i just wanted to cry... i hate myself that i cant even get near it, that i want to cut my arm open so fucking bad.... we finally get the floor done and she goes out and gets the paintbrushes.... she cant find the tray for the roller and comes back in to look for it... i go look for it out in the usual place... only to find my old blade... the fucking one i used to carve my arm up that needed to get it glued shut. I can still see and feel the anger, hatred, and need to die, and have been feeling the feelings i had when i opened my arm like that.... I ran from the shed because i knew that if i didnt id cut then and there..... i came into my room and cried.... just crying because i hate myself so much and i dont know what to do about it.

    Ive been working on the bathroom all night, and struggling. THe blade mom used for the floor is now sitting all nice and new and sharp and useable on the table. My mind says she will know if i take it, but GOD i want it!!!!!!! I keep seeing the blood, the cuts.... what i feel i need, and what i want soooo fricking bad.... i just dont know what to do. everytime i go to get a drink or anything i walk past it... and i just want to grab it and put it in my arm..... i dont know what to do, because i dont want to tell ehr that i know where the old blade is. Its my favorite one and i want it back. I know i need to keep it away, but i just cant find the heart or will to have it taken away from me again. its still in the drawer where it was hidden, i dont have it in my room, but i want it. I know i cant stay away from it for long.... but i just cant bear to tell her.... its like shes trying to get me to do it. I know shes not, but im just so angry that shes left the blade on the table.... its like shes trying to test me, trying me.... and in failing so miserably.

    i just want to die.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni may be one of two things with your mother, either she is clueless or she trusts either case, it is up to you to find other ways to communicate what you are way too precious to be harmed in that way...PM me anytime...caring is much better than cutting
  3. ThornThatNeverHeals

    ThornThatNeverHeals Well-Known Member

    well she sure as hell doesnt trust me. Im not allowed to stay home alone anymore after what happened last time. I know she isnt clueless. Shes seen me struggling all day, asking me whats wrong. I just cant seem to get the words out to tell her.
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Can you write her a letter? Maybe that might be easier