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Really, really alone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by tao1989, Apr 15, 2011.

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  1. tao1989

    tao1989 Member

    Hey everyone. Just a terrible terrible night. I talked to my ex again like I do every few months..hoping theres some small chance she still loves me, or we could get back together. Ends the same way every SINGLE time. I end up crying, wishing I was dead and saying I'll never do it again. Thats literally my entire life..doing the same stupid things over and over no matter what. Like in some sick way I'm almost addicted to the pain..cause at least pain I feel. Otherwise I'm numb. Is anyone else this way? I wish I could somehow type all my problems and how fucked up my life is in this thing but..it'd fill a novel. I know I'd never have the guts to end it but times like this..I just don't want to go on you know?
  2. jclay06

    jclay06 New Member

    I had one of those ex-es a few years ago. After a while I had to tell her that we cannot even pretend to be friends and I just avoided all contact with her. Despite the immature nature of it, it was surprisingly helpful in the long run.
    As far as "being addicte to the pain" .. I'd say a lot of people can relate at times. Masochim is a word for a reason. Although people would rather relate it to physical harm rather than emotional, more often than not.
  3. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Done the exact same thing. Its part be the reason I joined this forum years ago. I still love her... Think about her a lot...

    Music killed me to listen to for a long time. Even tv if it had I mushy scene on.

    But, begging a girl will put her off. Its the worst thing you can do. Crying is the next worse thing. But, the best thing you can do is not talk to her... Sounds impossible right? It all takes time. It gets better, much better. I find doing all the things that remind me of her makes them less powerful on me. I spent a week listening to all music that reminds me of her made me better. It no longer effects me anymore. I even got her pics and just looked at them for days... I told myself how much of a bitch she was... Now I can (sort of) look at her and feel hardly anything.

    Its normal what you feel. You need to go through this sadly :( but it gets better.

    The best thing to do is get a new girl... But thats also bad for the girl. But help you...
  4. tao1989

    tao1989 Member

    Yeah it definitely does get better. I feel okay and everything but then when I get really, really down on myself I'll talk to her again and somehow hope she can make it all better. Hope this is the last time. It also doesn't help shes the only gf I've ever had and barely have the guts to even talk to other girls..blah.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Many of us do this...we evoke the pain we know in fear of the pain we cannot deal with...I have created many shameful situations to have control over the shame I feel for myself...better to meet the self-created monster than those that might really hurt me...seems like you know what is going on and now it may be time to try something else...and maybe something that might bring either less pain or even pleasure...thanks for sharing...so many of us can relate to this...big hugs, J
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It's not easy to loose the love of your life.. I had a daughter with my first wif and she moved away to another state so I had the loss of two..You do get over it..Get with some friends and go out and enjoy yourself.. Mopeing around your house is not a good sign..I'll be honset, My wife moved away twenty five years ago and I still think about her..I think the others gave you good advice to cut off all contact with her..All your doing is setting yourself up for a failure..
  7. tao1989

    tao1989 Member

    Thanks everyone for the responses. Really does help. Feel better today, just last night was in a sobbing panic state =/ It's so damn hard to change your life even if everything sucks..hope we can all get there someday.
  8. damage.case

    damage.case Well-Known Member

    Worked for me.
  9. Lestat

    Lestat Well-Known Member

    Try to not call her again ok? You will just open the wounds again. Its hard... But you will find someone else when your not as upset. Just in out looking. One tip though... Don't talk about your ex with them. :)
  10. Acro

    Acro Active Member

    I went through this with my ex as well, it was then I realized pretending to be friends or contacting him wasn't a good thing. He had hurt me a lot and I realized I couldn't be friends with someone like that. It hurt a lot to let go, but once I deleted his number, and IM names, and pictures and past messages. Even though the memories still haunted me and the pain was still there, it started to ease a little, I still break down a lot not because I love him though, but because he hurt me too much when I was already fragile.

    For me the best way to get over an ex, is to realize somewhere out there, there might be someone who will love you and treat you the way you want to be treated. Of course I'm not much of an optimist myself so saying that seems hypocritical. But, a lot of people find their special someone, who says you won't? I don't know if things ended on good or bad terms with your ex, but when you are still begging for them to take you back it shows that you need to just let them go. Because if you don't, you'll never get over it, I'm not sure how some people stay friends with their exes, but I know for me such a feat is impossible, but mainly because they have all damaged me beyond repair.

    I know it'll be hard for you to let her go, but you need to, just delete her and if you have her contact information memorized then you need to develop the willpower to say "No I won't contact her." The best way to do that is to think of all the bad things she did to you if she did bad things. For instance I would always think about how my ex used and lied to me, it helped me resist a lot better. If you can't think of things she did that hurt you then this may be harder for you. But if you ever need to talk, or want to talk to someone so you can resist talking about her, feel free to contact me.
  11. Sleepwalk

    Sleepwalk Well-Known Member

    I never thought I would find myself in this situation, but more than three years after the split my ex and I continue to get back together every few months for "one last time". Every time I tell myself it will just be a physical thing, I won't let it get to me, and every time I end up completely devastated for days when it's over. In my life she's the only one I couldn't simply walk away from and I know I should just break all communication with her but it's so damned hard.

    I doubt that's much help and wish I had an easy answer for you but at least you know you're not alone in this situation.
  12. I think we all know this feeling ... its the same reason why I hoped my ex boyfriend would come back... its the same reason some cut or atleast my reason. I think it was summed up best in "Crime and Punishment" this alcoholic tells the main character that he dreads going home because he's drank all his pay and his wife will get angry and hits him. But he keeps drinking knowing he's drinking away his kid's dinner and that he will be going home to be hit. He says he acts this way to punish himself twice. Like one thing washes away the other... we do these painful things because in some way we know what we're doing is wrong and we punish ourselves.
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