I've been reading alot of messages this site for the last couple of days but I didn't think it would actually come to me posting on here. I'm 23 years old and have had serious thoughts about suicide for the last couple of months. I've not been happy with my life for probably the last 7-8 years. Not sure what has really caused me to be the way I am but I'm a really quiet person and tend to keep all my feelings to myself. I don't have any friends that I could talk to. I lost my gran around 8 years ago and she was more like my mum, I used to spend every day with her, she wasn't very well towards the end of her life and I used to find it hard to see her when she was in hospital which I regret so much. I don't put it down to losing my nan because I was like it long before she died. I lost all my friends at secondary school because I spent so much time at home on my own and not socialising with them like I should have been. 2 months ago my girlfriend of 5 years left me, partly due to the way I am. I used to cause arguments on a regular basis because I'm so miserable all the time. I'm really scared at the moment, she was the only person I've spoken to and felt close to like my nan. I thought she was the girl I would spend the rest of my life with. I know that she also felt this way up until about 6 months ago when it all just started to get on top of her and I pushed her away. I love her more than anything in the world. I've actually told her how low I feel and the thoughts I've had in my head but this has just pushed her further away from me, maybe I've hurt and scared her away? I don't know what to do anymore. Despite how I may come accross, I'm not like this for attention. Over the last few days I've sat in my room with a few packets of sleeping pills, taking more and more each night hoping I dont wake up in the morning. I know suicide is a very selfish act and people will get hurt but I really cant cope no more! The one person I can talk to can't talk to me no more. I know there are helplines and such but i cant ever pick up the phone and call them. I know that the majority of people on here have far worse problems than me causing them to feel suicidal and I really don't know how you do it, I know I cant cope no more. There is only one person in this world I ever want to hear from but don't know what to do to show her that I really need her. I don't really know why I'm posting on here to be totally honest. I'm pretty sure that tonight is the night for me and nobody can change that.