Really scared of starting therapy

Discussion in 'Therapy and Medication' started by ThePhantomLady, Feb 14, 2016.

  1. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I've been on a waiting list for 8 months now, and I'm starting DBT on the 18th, at 1pm.

    I'm so scared of that first session with my therapist.

    3, maybe 4? years ago I was in therapy at the same clinic, also DBT... and I wasn't honest with my therapist... I couldn't open up about the things that actually hurt me and made me need therapy in the first place... (abuse and rape etc.)... and I even faked recovery because I wanted to make my therapist happy...

    My very first meeting all those years ago went pretty bad... (and yikes I don't want to make anyone scared of therapy or change their mind) but... well, I ended up almost fighting with the therapist, the 'head' therapist even.
    I had barely opened my mouth before she started talking about medication... and to be honest the idea of psychophamica(sp?) scares me for myself... I told her I wanted to try with therapy first, and see how that went, see if that could solve it before I started taking pills... she refused to listen to me, and actually started talking down to me about what psych meds does... (at the time I was studying to become a healthcare service secretary, and out of interest I had studied the human brain on my own time since I was a teenager)... I was about to cry in the end. I ended up telling her that if she prescribed me anything I would refuse to take it.

    Luckily a new therapist had asked if she could sit in at that talk... and she spoke up just as I was thinking about storming out of there... that woman ended up becoming my therapist instead.
    But we ended up getting a bond that wasn't good for me... as I was training to become a healthcare secretary she started teaching me about the hospital's computer system and stuff... we even concocted my diagnosis together because she wasn't sure how to diagnose me. (I ended up with a diagnosis meaning I was in a short term crisis *rolls eyes*). I've been fucked up since I was a kid!

    So yeah... towards the end I faked recovery, it especially helped that I got a placement at the hospital's Children's Obesity Clinic... "all my issues were suddenly resolved"...

    I did get some coping techniques out of therapy... but the underlying issues that makes me the f*cked up person I am today hasn't even been touched.

    Luckily I've heard my new therapist's voice. She sounds really nice. She sounds trustworthy even... and I so hope I can open up...

    But what if I'm wrong?? what if I can't trust her... what if she's a pill pusher and I react the same way? or what if she's too nice like the last one??

    I need help. I really, really need help. I can't deny that... this will never go away on it's own...

    Another 'plus' is that my diagnosis this time is a bit more correct... it basically says I'm depressed and anxious. I am starting to think I'm Bipolar or borderline though...
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    It will take a while to build up a good rapport with your therapist but I am sure you will get there. A good therapist will not push anything on you that you feel uncomfortable with. At the end of the day they are there to offer the service of therapy, create therapy goals and help you achieve them. I think you sound more aware of yourself and your problems now than you were the first time you had therapy and know that if you aren't yourself and honest then you can't heal and recover.

    I hope it goes well for you, DBT is highly recommended. Let us know how it goes!!
    SillyOldBear and ThePhantomLady like this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Thank you, Butterfly.

    So, it's tomorrow... ugh. I'm really nervous about going. But I know I have to... my wrist (that luckily isn't broken) is a stark reminder of that.
    I hope if I chicken out my boyfriend will be a support like he was today...

    I'm just scared.
  4. undercoverlover

    undercoverlover Well-Known Member

    hey, good luck at therapy! setting up an appointment is a good step toward recovery and im proud of you
    i understand the distrust. i have little to no trust in doctors, especially psychiatrists, because ive been screwed over so many times. but i just found a therapist who will work with me and understands my distrust. he works with me from where i am, not from where he wants me to be. i think thats what makes a good therapist. if they start where you are, and dont push you, then they are a good therapist that you can trust.
    if they start pushing pills or anything else youre not comfortable with, assert your discomfort. if they continue it, just straight up walk out. they dont deserve your time or money. doctors need to learn to listen to their patients.
    i hope it goes well!
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Don't be scared as therapy does help you but it depends how open you are with others. I went to therapy and I opened up and it helped me to overcome my thoughts and ideation about suicide. Even though I suffer everyday but I am still here and therapy did help me. Don't be scared keep posting here. You are important as we really do care.
    ThePhantomLady likes this.
  6. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I just wanted to say thank you. I went, and I'm happy I did.

    It seems I can trust this therapist, and without me even mentioning it, she talked about "therapy damaging behaviour" and I got to tell her how I faked my recovery last time... she seems to be a good therapist.