Really struggling again...and it is all my fault

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cpg_down, Jul 30, 2015.

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  1. cpg_down

    cpg_down Member

    Been in trouble again....or maybe it is just extensive guilt....

    What is the whole story? I'm crap. Flat out. I cannot get over a constant fear of the future and have a hell of a time adapting to change. So where is this at? Should have blown my head out years ago I reckon. I cannot see the light in practically anything. It's summer where I live and I'm inside all the time.

    34. Hospitalized for suicidal ideation at 29. Quick recovery, broke the future off with someone who was an angel and didn't deserve my garbage. I relapsed to the point where I had to resign at job. Some of the worst anxiety that I ever felt. Lost 8 lbs in a week and tons of advice from everyone.

    I had asked to come back, and was taken perhaps as a charity case. Now I am leaving for another job. I am leaving at a bad time. Never become an engineer. I went to school for electrical engineering. If I were 20 and saw my 34 year old self, I would want myself dead.

    I see a lot of posts of the teenage years and I agree, those years suck. Things open up after that in terms of opportunity. Go to school and have some fun. All I ever did was work and try to get things going. But I feel like I have constant false starts. Start something until I face the impossible problem, lose it, and crumble. I don't know where else to go on this. All my therapists are on vacation. Worrying my parents isn't smart. They hate each other and it hurts. I mean, by this age I thought I would have myself together. All those years after the fact and I'm still a mess. Isn't this good enough of a shot? Isn't this what they all tell you to do and at some point, you just have to stop. Stop the pushing forward for no reason and see that it is all crap. Being an anxious dud that you don't

    I feel the worst for my colleagues. In the sense that I am abandoning them. i have a job where I develop code for power systems and just bit off more than I could chew. After all my mess, I wanted to simplify my life and just take an easier job with less life safety type devices. But as the author of most of this, I am at fault for not getting them all up to speed. I'm a crash landing man, don't even feel bad for me. There is so much shame I cannot even recover from it. I just wanna off myself.

    I'm worried about this new place. I've used a lot of the tools before, but these kids are so smart. Plus, I'm just a mixed bag mess. I see myself out of a future in about 10 years. No one is going to hire me. I wish we could all just press the pause button on that happy moment in our life and just sit there. Sit there and watch the world not change. Just forget the shame and just be us.

    I can't write any more, I just keep breaking down. I'm a fuck.
  2. vil2liv

    vil2liv Member

    I know how you feel, and I am pretty much the same regarding future. I am 30, but I overcame my depression some years ago. Now I am in position where I have a great will to live, although I have no job and no money, and very uncertain future. But my health probably won't let me to live much more. So, I see your situation from both sides!
    If you can't hold it anymore, my advice to you would be:
    Since it seems that you don't earn bad money at all (considering how powerful your job looks), take some of your savings and go! Go travel. Go to another country. Visit new places, meet new people. If you like nature go visit places with beautiful nature. If you like cities, go visit big cities! If you can, go to other continents... Make a pause of your current life, and try something new! Instead of thinking how bad you are, start making a plan of your travels, spend time on that. I am serious. If you cannot find your peace where you are now, try to find it somewhere else. Try to free yourself. You cannot fail. The worst thing is that you won't like it and you come back to where you are now, but you cannot make it worse than it currently is!
    Try that at least for those of us who can't! :)
  3. cpg_down

    cpg_down Member

    Hi Vil,
    Thank you for getting back to me. Today was a relief, actually. I was stricken by anxiety for the first 6 hours of the day. But I was constantly busy at work. Towards the end, keeping my head down on the tasks at hand somehow made me feel better. I think we all have been around those people that want to knock you down. Or you just get frustrated with circumstance, internalize our own unreasonable expectations, and take on the shame that wasn't deserved. I know this next set of weeks for transitioning is going to be tough. But it will pass. I found the most relief in reading you say you have and are feeling the same. I am always someone who needs constant reassurance, and when you live a mostly solo life and are male...well you don't really get that feedback. The negativity can get out of control. I wish we could all have that feeling of things not changing, especially when we see the years as average then they drop to worse.
    I take your message as sometimes change is good. The change is an action that I had to take and I'll see where that leads me. Then if that falls out....probably some time for travel :)
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