Been in trouble again....or maybe it is just extensive guilt.... What is the whole story? I'm crap. Flat out. I cannot get over a constant fear of the future and have a hell of a time adapting to change. So where is this at? Should have blown my head out years ago I reckon. I cannot see the light in practically anything. It's summer where I live and I'm inside all the time. 34. Hospitalized for suicidal ideation at 29. Quick recovery, broke the future off with someone who was an angel and didn't deserve my garbage. I relapsed to the point where I had to resign at job. Some of the worst anxiety that I ever felt. Lost 8 lbs in a week and tons of advice from everyone. I had asked to come back, and was taken perhaps as a charity case. Now I am leaving for another job. I am leaving at a bad time. Never become an engineer. I went to school for electrical engineering. If I were 20 and saw my 34 year old self, I would want myself dead. I see a lot of posts of the teenage years and I agree, those years suck. Things open up after that in terms of opportunity. Go to school and have some fun. All I ever did was work and try to get things going. But I feel like I have constant false starts. Start something until I face the impossible problem, lose it, and crumble. I don't know where else to go on this. All my therapists are on vacation. Worrying my parents isn't smart. They hate each other and it hurts. I mean, by this age I thought I would have myself together. All those years after the fact and I'm still a mess. Isn't this good enough of a shot? Isn't this what they all tell you to do and at some point, you just have to stop. Stop the pushing forward for no reason and see that it is all crap. Being an anxious dud that you don't I feel the worst for my colleagues. In the sense that I am abandoning them. i have a job where I develop code for power systems and just bit off more than I could chew. After all my mess, I wanted to simplify my life and just take an easier job with less life safety type devices. But as the author of most of this, I am at fault for not getting them all up to speed. I'm a crash landing man, don't even feel bad for me. There is so much shame I cannot even recover from it. I just wanna off myself. I'm worried about this new place. I've used a lot of the tools before, but these kids are so smart. Plus, I'm just a mixed bag mess. I see myself out of a future in about 10 years. No one is going to hire me. I wish we could all just press the pause button on that happy moment in our life and just sit there. Sit there and watch the world not change. Just forget the shame and just be us. I can't write any more, I just keep breaking down. I'm a fuck.