so i was in a really good mood yesterday, infact i have been generally a lot happier since i moved out, i recognise that.
I was meant to be meeting up with my T and we went over the basic stuff, what had been happening, my lack of SI, food, exercise, my mother just really the geeral stuff. She also commented on how far Id come since moving out and how much happier i seem etc. All was going well
About 30 minutes into the session however she stated that the police officer handling my case had called her, that he wanted to know if she thought i would be able to handle going to court, that there was no evidence, that chances were nothing would come from it going to court but wanting to know if i wanted or could handle it going to court. Basiclly my reaction was i want it to go to court no matter what.
My mood dropped dramaticlly and i realised that this whole case has been for absoloutly nothing. I new nothing was going to come of it for a few months now but this was really the breaking point, the point ive been hopeing not to hear for a while. I started zoneing out a lot and became extremely quiet. My T was telling me about how it would be very traumatizing to go ahead with a court case, she kept telling me that it was my choice and she would stand by me no matter what, but i cant help but get the impression she thinks going to court would be too much to handle for me and its not worth it.
After about 2 hours of chatting and me stating that i dont want to live and it's all my fault she said she would need to tell the staff here about our session and my mood, i said i didnt want to because "they would call the cops when i try to leave". she ended up telling them and asked me to wait in my room while she spoke to the staff and would come speak to me after..
While she was talking to them in the office i signalled to the staff that i was going out. My T looked at me i said sorry and kept walking, She called out Dont, and to wait and then said she was comming out with me then and basiclly just got up and ran after me... she caught me in the drive way and asked where i was going, what i was doing and i wouldnt answer. She asked if we could meet up again and i said i dont know. She asked me if i was going to school tomorrow and i said probably not. T started talking about how its not my fault and that i dont need to disconnect from her, that she will always be on my side. I continued not saying anything. She ended up giving my a little business card with a picture of a baby driving a car. She'd shown this to me before, and told me every time i listened to my triggered side it was like me letting a baby drive a car. That the baby didnt have the capability to drive the car nor to understand the reprocussions of my actions.. All i could think was its not cause i triggered but that this is me, that i just wanted to go and die.
I feel soo extremely guilty about doing this to my T. She is extremely nice and has only ever been that to me. I didnt tell her virtually anything, i cut her off and any question she asked just raised and lowered my shoudlers as if saying i dont know. Not only that but i still ended up walking off to go and attempt and left her at the shelter after she had driven out to see me... All i can think about now is that i deserved all i got, that i deserve to die, i dont deserve such a nice T, nor be listened to or helped. The guys who i made the police statement against well he deserves to get off scot free because its all my fault and maybe hes right, maybe im just a dirty little liar. Thats what the court will apparently see so maybe it is true. Maybe everything these guys have told me is all true.
I feel once again so utterly disguisting
I thought id made the right decision in being so sure about wanting to prosecute this guy, that even if he wasnt found guilty that at least i had tried and now everyone is giving up on me. like i shouldnt even try.
I dont know, should i agree to not go to court, should i just go die, should i gust forget everything.. i dont know
I was meant to be meeting up with my T and we went over the basic stuff, what had been happening, my lack of SI, food, exercise, my mother just really the geeral stuff. She also commented on how far Id come since moving out and how much happier i seem etc. All was going well
About 30 minutes into the session however she stated that the police officer handling my case had called her, that he wanted to know if she thought i would be able to handle going to court, that there was no evidence, that chances were nothing would come from it going to court but wanting to know if i wanted or could handle it going to court. Basiclly my reaction was i want it to go to court no matter what.
My mood dropped dramaticlly and i realised that this whole case has been for absoloutly nothing. I new nothing was going to come of it for a few months now but this was really the breaking point, the point ive been hopeing not to hear for a while. I started zoneing out a lot and became extremely quiet. My T was telling me about how it would be very traumatizing to go ahead with a court case, she kept telling me that it was my choice and she would stand by me no matter what, but i cant help but get the impression she thinks going to court would be too much to handle for me and its not worth it.
After about 2 hours of chatting and me stating that i dont want to live and it's all my fault she said she would need to tell the staff here about our session and my mood, i said i didnt want to because "they would call the cops when i try to leave". she ended up telling them and asked me to wait in my room while she spoke to the staff and would come speak to me after..
While she was talking to them in the office i signalled to the staff that i was going out. My T looked at me i said sorry and kept walking, She called out Dont, and to wait and then said she was comming out with me then and basiclly just got up and ran after me... she caught me in the drive way and asked where i was going, what i was doing and i wouldnt answer. She asked if we could meet up again and i said i dont know. She asked me if i was going to school tomorrow and i said probably not. T started talking about how its not my fault and that i dont need to disconnect from her, that she will always be on my side. I continued not saying anything. She ended up giving my a little business card with a picture of a baby driving a car. She'd shown this to me before, and told me every time i listened to my triggered side it was like me letting a baby drive a car. That the baby didnt have the capability to drive the car nor to understand the reprocussions of my actions.. All i could think was its not cause i triggered but that this is me, that i just wanted to go and die.
I feel soo extremely guilty about doing this to my T. She is extremely nice and has only ever been that to me. I didnt tell her virtually anything, i cut her off and any question she asked just raised and lowered my shoudlers as if saying i dont know. Not only that but i still ended up walking off to go and attempt and left her at the shelter after she had driven out to see me... All i can think about now is that i deserved all i got, that i deserve to die, i dont deserve such a nice T, nor be listened to or helped. The guys who i made the police statement against well he deserves to get off scot free because its all my fault and maybe hes right, maybe im just a dirty little liar. Thats what the court will apparently see so maybe it is true. Maybe everything these guys have told me is all true.
I feel once again so utterly disguisting
I thought id made the right decision in being so sure about wanting to prosecute this guy, that even if he wasnt found guilty that at least i had tried and now everyone is giving up on me. like i shouldnt even try.
I dont know, should i agree to not go to court, should i just go die, should i gust forget everything.. i dont know
