Really struggling

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Milly, Jan 30, 2009.

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  1. Milly

    Milly Well-Known Member

    The suicidal feelings are back, ok so thats not accurate as they never leave completely, but theyre back in a big way.

    Sorry in advance if this gets a bit long and waffly :oops:

    Ive recently made an appointment to see my gp and its on monday morning, its scareing the hell outta me and im severely stressing over it...:nerves:

    Im scared of how honest im going to have to be if its to be worthwhile and i really struggle talking about things that are going on.
    Im worried that he wont take me seriously or think im just a lonely attention seeker? just kinda sitting there looking at me thinking "just go home and pull yourself togther"
    Im worried that i wont be able to say what i need in the 5 mins or whatever ill get
    Im worried about everything about it and constantly want to cancel the appointment!

    Its all got too much the last couple or three days! Im really depressed as well as having severe anxiety at the moment. Im really struggling to cope with things, the slightest unlikely things can trigger my depression at the moment.

    There are a couple of peeps from here whos msn i have :hug: and have talked to before and ive thought ill talk to them about whats going on, so i log into msn and then start thinking that theyve got there own problems that there going thru so should i bother them with mine? and what do i say? - hi, its me, im suicidal and cant cope? - not what they need from someone they hardly know when theyre having probs of their own
    and then i think that ill post it on here and spend two days doing so because im worried about..... idk just worry cos i kinda feel i need this site at the moment and dont want to be a whining pain in the arse (thats "pain in the ass" for our US cousins lol). Its hard for me to talk because im timid and have self worth/esteem problems and dont feel like im worth bothering with

    Its just too hard at the moment, my mind wont stop and im hardly sleeping

    Its just feels like a never ending downward spiral of depression and anxiety and im not sure i can do it any longer. :Jumpy:

    I hope this makes sense
  2. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    dont worry, it makes perfect sense.

    my gp constantly downplayed my anxiety. hes a great guy, it just annoyed me when i would see him, and hed tell me to see a psychiatrist. cant really complain though, he gave me months and months worth of free samples of about 4 or 5 different meds, though none of them did any good.

    as a gp, theres only so much they can do. just be calm, try to keep your head about you, and tell him/her whats wrong. youll likely get prescribed an anti depressant, and get refered to a therapist. im not sure how it works over there, but after going back to mine about 4 times, he tried to schedule a stress test for me at the local hospital. i could, in no way, afford to have it done (not by a goddamn long shot), but it proves that if youre in dire need, youll get the kind of care you require.

    in the meantime, just try to remind yourself that seeing your doc about it is a step in the right direction. itll be a bit awkward, but you wont regret having done it
  3. Milly

    Milly Well-Known Member

    Thanks, its just really daunting because although ive been to see him about head stuff before (not for a few years though), ive never been honest about how bad things were or how bad my depression and social and general anxiety was! in fact id go as far as to say that hes only seen the tip of the iceberg!
    The only one who ever saw through me to any great extent was my grandma, (we were good freinds) she saw my depression and then my mania and while she wouldntve know what bipolar was if youd asked her, she could see it and used to say that i had giddy, stupid days and then i had black days and i had inbetween days where i was ok but anxious about everything. she used to say that if i had nothing to worry about then id worry about that :laugh:

    Im just scared at the moment and feel like i need to do this and get help but at the same time i feel like i want to give in and make another ateempt and not fail this time
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hi. i am glad you came here and reached out. you're not new here - i am - but it has saved my life . . . .

    i know how it feels to struggle.

    and yes, in agreement with a previous post, you have made a positive step by scheduling to see your g.p.

    please don't think you're a 'pain in the arse' or 'a**' (i'm american!) because you come here in need. yes we all have some problems or we would not be here hun. but. think also - about the people who DO have problems and still do NOT reach out - possibly we have even more hope than they do! and . ..we come here to get our own support - but - we also come here to GIVE each other support. we all understand - and you are never a burden when you are in pain.
    pm me anytime, i'm happy to reply - and i read all my stuff several times daily (or will note that i am away)
    and there are others here (as you mentioned you already 'clicked' with some people and have msn'd them. please be in touch with them - ok?

    and go ahead - take this step - and be strong. don't let the g.p. just 'brush you off'. speak boldly for yourself - remembering - i will be thinking of you - and want to know what happens. ok? :hug:
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Sorry to hear that you're having a hard time Milly. :hug:
  6. porcelain child

    porcelain child Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you are having a rough time hunni...

    I don't have much to say but wanted to let you know i read your post..

  7. Milly

    Milly Well-Known Member

    My appointments in 7 1/2 hours. i cant sleep for worrying about it :sad: im really scared about it. its too daunting
  8. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    hey hun..... 7 1/2 hours.. i'll be thinking of you - - -- now you will be fine, ok?

    come back and let us know how it all went - you know you have support here (the best thing is - if you need someone at 4 am. whatever time zone. someone IS here. .. ) not many friends you can phone up at 4 am. . .

    you're the greatest. now. just know that. and check in after, ok?? :hug:
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Good luck Milly :hug:

    Be sure to let us know how it went,

    Thinking of you xx
  10. Milly

    Milly Well-Known Member

    Well i made it to the gp's !!!! :biggrin:

    It was strange and i found it hard to talk and kept getting tongue-tied and saying the same stuff. I was trying to get across how i feel and was getting more nervous and stressed about it so i dont know if he understood what i meant cos he seemed to focus in very quickly on me being unemployed and i got the impression that he thought i was a bit down cos id been made redundant!! I wanted to tell him its much much more than that but he kept talking and i kinda just shut up and let him talk.
    I just feel like theres stuff that i wanted to say and didnt/couldnt, ive come away feeling like the anxiety ive suffered over just going to the gp's has been largely wasted cos i didnt talk/get chance to talk about stuff thats been going on.
    Anyway the outcome is that he's put me on 30mg mirtazapine once a day and ive to go back in 2 weeks to see him.
  11. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    Hi Milly,

    That's really great you made it to the doctor and you're now on some medication. I think you probably need more than that though as medication is supposed to only help you along, it doesn't address the roots of your depression. You need to find someone to speak to on a regular basis i.e. a counsellor/therapist. Try looking here for one in your area:

    Are you having panic attacks?

    All the best
  12. Milly

    Milly Well-Known Member

    Dunno, not really panic attacks but i do get consumed with worry and anxiety and struggle to function for a bit. dont think its the same but i dunno. why do you ask?
  13. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    It's just that if you weren't entirely honest about how anxious you were then it could have affected what meds you were prescribed.
  14. Milly

    Milly Well-Known Member

    i had similar thoughts about it when i got home but mainly because this time he hadnt asked anything like how bad has it got? eg, suicidal thoughts etc and therefore i didnt mention my suicidal thoughts and recent attempt - im not very forcefull that way, if hed asked id have told him but....
    It was all very daunting going to see my gp and i had a whole bunch of stuff that i wanted to say but he kinda took over the talking and i was too timid and pathetic to say..."wait, please let me talk and say some stuff that i need to"

    What he did say was that if the meds ive been given (mirtazapine) dont do anything then hes going to refer me to someone better suited to this
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