I should be happy but I'm utterly depressed. Why did I choose this? I'm in the exact place I want to be. But oh the pain. Am I brave? Am I weak? Where am I heading? I know who I am but I can't manifest or express or know exactly what that is. I just can't get the motivation to do my passion in life. I feel incapable of anything intelligent. I believe in being creative but then I can hardly find that creativity within myself. My minds a complicated web of reasoning and it never stops reeling. What can I even say? I want to have a sense of humor and just laugh for a change but I'm really struggling. Even though some others would kill to be in my position. Those with terminal illness for example. I'm entirely healthy but I can't help myself let alone others. I'm not suicidal. In fact I'm terrified of death. But I'm also terrified of life. So short and fleeting. The fact that you soon have to deal with the death of others and yourself. Maybe I think too much. Should I be distracting myself with television and society. Or should I somehow try and deal with this hole in my inner being. Every morning I wake up I think oh no how am I going to deal with these problems that never go away. The not having a job. The lack of money. The pure laziness. My lack of ability is inhibiting. I think of those who make me smile. Kurt cobain. Audrey Hepburn. Idols. I withdraw into my world of fantasy and try and escape. I try and use technology, music. the internet. Anything to uplift myself. To make myself stronger. Still the news freaks me out. I find society totally insane. I may have said these things before. but I'll say it again. I want freedom. I want dreams to come true. I'm tired of the struggle. When oh when will this oppression end. I feel like I am enslaved in a police state. Economically I also feel entrapped just to the degree where I can survive. I know that few if any will read this. That gives me consolation and peace. For I wouldn't want to trouble anyone over my struggle. But if a certain person does read my blog. May they be blessed and untouched by the pain that I have. I think it's time to pray to god I'm getting that desperate. And I'm near atheist. I wonder what I'll write a week from now and how it will differ from now. I want to grow change and evolve. But am I really learning anything and am I suppose to be learning some sort of lesson here? I don't even know that much.