This overwhelming feeling of wanting to kill myself just came over me. I was cleaning out my truck and bam. All these images and thoughts of how to do it filled my brain, which is the fastes and less painful. I want to stop, even if permanently. there is litterly no reason to feel this way. Fucking why? Out of nowhere? I feel pathetic. But I dont think im a loser, I sure and hell ain't dumb. Ive been doing so well..... I was feeling numb. But now im angry, sad, lost. I feel if I SH I might get a fix. But I havnt done that in over a year, I think? I have tons of friends and family I could talk to, but not really about this. I dont want to involve them. I only want them to see me happy. I have class tomorrow. I just want to sit quietly, but thats not the point of the class. I dont want to trigger anyone either. I know telling the facilitator to lay off of me wont do any good, already tried. it quiz day, its when I feel the stupidest. they kinda try and make it fun but..... there is a wrong and right answer. And if you get the answer right you have to elaborate why its the right answer. Fml. Sure they laugh and crack jokes, im glad its fun for them, but for me its not. I was really looking foward to this class before I started. they made it sound like a miracle, a cure. well it has become a trigger I guess you could say. I dread it. I dont and never have liked speaking in front of people. I probably never will. Yes I have learned skills. But not much more then ive been tought over 20 years of therapy. So will I come around and out of this feeling, probably, im bi polor! Will it be over in time before I realize, will I wake up in bed, will I wake up at the hospital, will I wake up at all tomorrow.I hope my meds kick in and knock me out. Before I go where I go and not relize im gone. At this moment I relize im still here, im still in control of myself. Though I do feel hazy. Loosing track of time. But im coherent enough to relize that. I just want out of myself. I feel like a self suffering peice flesh, that my brain abuses. and someone something els that is at the control of that. Some part of me gets a kick out of knowing im in control of my own death. Not by natural selection. this is not what I want for myself, or no one else for that matter. Can someone give me some distraction or talk for a little while. I promise I wont "unload on you" im done venting, but any thoughts of distractions are welcome. Or just a friendly chat. we can talk about the bee flying around in my neighborhood. Lol. Just something.