Really tired of it all (at least there is music)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sa-chan, Oct 31, 2015.

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  1. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    It is just if I look at my life that I don't think anything makes me happy at all. I tried being around others and it made me more miserable. I tried to cope with my family but they keep pulling me down. I tried sports but I don't like feeling physically exhausted and tend to feel really suicidal afterwards. My "hobbies" don't satisfy me. I only fap because it lets my mind go blank for a short while.

    Lately I feel I am only studing so afterwards I will at some point have enough money together and be able to shut myself in forever. Or that I can work remotely and still earn enough.

    Even if I assume that my wish of having a really nice man next to me would become reality I think there is only darkness. I know that I would quickly destroy everything again.

    The only thing that really keeps me forgetting that nothing that I do is making or will be making happy ever is music. I can't go without music from morning till night except when I am at school anymore. It is a comforting lie of hapiness. But then I unplug from it all to go to sleep and here I am swimming in tears and celebrating insomnia

    I am a total freak.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You are not a freak if that was true we would all be freaks we are just ill ok MUSIC is a healer it is so why not play your music quiet sounds at night to help you sleep sometimes it helps to have some background noise to distract all the other thoughts going on in ones brain
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Music really can help to lift the mood and is a good healer. You COULD get a nice man laying next to you. What is stopping you? Maybe your self confidence and self esteem. I hope your day goes okay xx
  4. sa-chan

    sa-chan Active Member

    Thanks for your nice replies, I guess I was in a kind of worse than usual state last night when I wrote this.

    I like listening to music but I don't think I can listen to music and fall asleep. Also I remember having tried it out a while ago and having found it more uncomfortable than usual to find a nice sleeping position. But maybe I will give it another try sometime soon. I just worry that by now music isn't really a "healer" but more like an escape to me and I think by now I am running away from things a bit too much...

    Also what I was trying to say in my original posr was that even if I had a boyfriend I would most probably not really feel happy about it. Though there are plenty of reasons for not finding someone besides me having a low self confidence and self esteem:

    1. I'm gay and so far all guys that I have developed feelings for turned out to be straight. Each one means more pain and I am not sure if I want to have feelings for someone again. Online dating is a failure because I only seem to attract men twice my age or lil immature brats x_xx

    2. I live with my mom and my monetary situation doesn't really allow me to move out yet.

    3. My studies take a lot of time, I barely can get enough time for sleeping together during the week but I usually compensate with a lazy sunday.

    4. I think I have some bonding issues unrealted to self esteem. Like I don't really think a single human is really close to me right now. And whenever someone starts getting close I push them away. Also I am really emotionally unstable which I am sure is a big minus for everyone.

    5. I have no life to share. I really feel like I have been doing nothing since I was little. When I talk with people it's usually because I am angry about something or don't understand it.

    I will stop now and I am already sorry for posting so much... In some ways it might be stupid trying to explain myself. I still think I am a freak because for example I have been writing posts like this all over the internet for the last 3 years and I don't think I will stop anytime soon yet I don't think it does help me or anyone else.
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