There's a a big anniversary coming up. I'm fragile atm. Today someone told me they had a dream About someone close to me and that they were trying to get out of the coffin and didn't want to be in it. This has reAlly shaken me. I didn't know what to do at the time re burial or cremation. I keep thinking I made the wrong choice. This conversation todAy has sent me in a spiral because it affirms what I thought. I did wrong, the last thing I could have done for this person and I messed it up. So tonight I am trying to distract, trying to avoid going "there". Already took meds to help relax but thy aren't helping right now. Next is to cut and I'm trying so hard to avoid going there. I don't want to, but I also want to very much as it'll help ground me back. I know it'll be temporary and I may need more, but that's better than going off the deep end completely. I know I'll feel like rubbish after though too. I have to do something to try and keep here, not to dissociate completely. I've tried breathing, tried distraction with playing games, tried going outside to let the cold air somehow waken me up out of this. I'm not sure what else to try.