really want to die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by theleastofthese, Aug 13, 2009.

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  1. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    but can't abandon my dogs so am stuck living thru each horrible day. i live only for bedtime as i can escape into sleep for a few hours respite. the rest of the day is horrible. i'm only staying alive for my dogs, and don't know how much longer i can do that. i pray each night that i'll die in my sleep and spare my kids the knowledge that their mom killed herself

    i just can't stand living anymore. sick of always being miserable. there is no option but suicide but that's not even an option for me cause of my dogs needing me.
  2. Look I'm not good at talking people down from this sort of thing. But please don't kill yourself. You have kids that do love you and obviously you love them along with your dogs. I know life is tough. Obviously we are all here cause we feel the same way. And you know your kids need you more so than you need them. I'm horribly sorry that you feel this way. But you've made it this far in life. Try and make it through just little bit longer. Do something wild and crazy if your life right now isn't what you want it to be. Maybe something different is just what you need. I dunno. I'm just trying to help.
  3. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    My three youngest kids don't want me at all, only want what i can provide for them, like money or rides or cleaning services. They even accused me of being selfish cause I went to visit my oldest daughter and her family for nine days! They left a huge mess of the house for me to clean up when I came home. They treat me like shit and that's no lie.

    My biggest problem is that I CAN'T kill myself cause my dogs would have nowhere to go. I don't care about the kids, they at least have a dad who would (have to) step up and take responsibility for day to day childrearing and put up with their abuse like they do to me. No, it's a big problem cause I'm not allowed this one final escape from the misery my life has become. I also promised my eldest daughter years ago I wouldn't kill myself, so that promise keeps me trapped in this miserable existance.

    I think about it all the time tho and imagine the blissful peace, the nothingness of being dead, the not having feelings.

    No, I can't kill myself but I sure as hell want to...
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    Please don't kill yourself. I know what it feels like, I have two guinea pigs and if I died, no one would take care of them. I used to have very heavy feelings of killing myself and when I told my mom, she told me she didnt want me to die. So now when I want to give up, I think of her and I know if I died it would make her go insane....

    I know this isnt much but try and find reasons to stay alive, your children I'm sure want to keep you alive and part of their lives....

    Wanting to live is hard...I'm sorry I don't have the miracle cure for it...somedays I need it myself...

    hang in there, they are people out there that cares about you :hug:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I think your younger kids need you more than they are willing to show. The problem here is that they know what it takes to bring you down. It gives them the power that teens think they need. They are constantly testing their boundaries and because of your illness they aften win. The hard thing is taking back that control after they have ruled the roost for so long. If only kids would love as animals do. :hug:
  6. yursomedicated

    yursomedicated Chat & Forum Buddy

    I think even though your kids don't show they love you, they do. Maybe you should get a hobby, it could help? If you sit around all day all you will think about is suicide.

    I always think that too; die in my sleep. Then my mom wont be to hurt that I killed myself.
  7. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    My kids don't show they love me cause they don't love me. THey only want me for what I can give them or do for them. They are horribly behaved brats and are out of control. I'd love to kill myself just for the trauma it would cause them. They live to make my life hell and they do a fine job of it. I am treated like shit all the time and am sick of it. My life isn't worth living like this. My dogs are the ONLY reason I'm still crawling thru each awful day.

    I would love to see them suffer as they've made me suffer. I don't care anymore. I'm in too much misery to give a shit. The only kid I have who loves me for myself is my eldest. The younger three are greedy selfish hateful brats and I can't stand them. I love them cause they're my kids, but I sure don't like them.

    No, they don't love me. They only want what I can give them or do for them. They think of nothing but themselves. My life is a wreck and I wish it would end.
  8. depleted_soul

    depleted_soul Well-Known Member

    I know there's nothing I can say to make you feel any better but if your dogs are the only thing that keep you going, just try to hang on for them. I do hope things can get better somehow. One thing that really surprised me to read was:

    Although your kids might be ungrateful, they would probably be hurt tremendously if you killed yourself. Death can really hit hard, especially when it's the death of a parent. If you were to die, they would probably realize just how important you were and regret not treating you with the respect you deserved as a parent...
  9. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Their treatment of me is killing me in small doses every day. I know how hateful I sound to want to make them suffer, but Ihonestly don't care anymore. They make my life a living hell and I'd like them to understand the pain they cause me cause it seems they aren't aware of the pain they give me, or don't care. Well, I don't care either. I've cared myself into a hell and I just want out of it. And if it hurts them, oh well, they'll understand how I've been hurting.
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think you need to understand that children will take advantage and yes they can hurt deeply but that is because you let them. Either you or your husband need to step up and set boundaries and if they are crossed than consequences need to be put in place. The child needs direction needs to have control in their life. If there is chaos lack of direction rules there will be chaos. You are the adult you and right now you obvioulsly cant take on this responsibility so get your husband or someone that can. If your children don't get help and direction now nothing will change. YES the love you Yes they care for you but YOU need to care by not giving them everything money or whatever these things are to be given only when they are deserved. Someone needs to take control here and it is not the children. They are being children teenagers and if their behavior is not corrected then yes therre will be chaos and pain. You need to look at getting help for your depression you anger your frustration but also you need someone to step up and start being a parent who can teach these children skills they will need to properly live in a society that has rules for them to follow They don't hate you they are loving getting away with everything. You have to understand this your children would be devastated if you harmed yourself and they are important as you are.
  11. tls5669

    tls5669 Active Member

    You say that they dont love you? Well if you kill yourself do you think they will be traumatized by it? And killing yourself is selfish, there are other ways out.
  12. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    what other ways?? I'd love to hear them. What are these 'other ways'??
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    The other way is call crisis line reachout for help. When in hospital they will get you the support you need. social workers help to deal with your children
    meds to decrease your anxiety depression. Reach out and get the help you need Husband then will have to step up and look after kids while you get looked after for a change. Call crisis and get some help for you. That is being not selfish but doing the only thing that will make you stronger to do what life throws at you.
  14. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I have no husband and kids' dad doesn't want to care for them 24/7. It's easier to let me do it and blame me for everything. I can't go to a 'hospital' as i have no money and no health insurance. I won't harm myself other than begging god to let me die in mysleep. there IS no way out. I have to tolerate this shit til I die, which I hope is soon. and if my kids feel badly when I die, so be it. they've made me feel horrible often enough so let it come home to them. maybe they'll learn something from it, like not giving your mother so much shit that she can't stand it anymore. you don't know my kids. they are monsters and i didn't make them that way.

    I'm already on meds for depression, bipolar, and anxiety, but what I live thru each day isin't helped by meds.
  15. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Today is my birthday and I don't feel lke celebrating. I wish it were my last birthday. Living is hell, dying couldn't possibly be worse than the life I'm living.
  16. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You know what Sooz? I think I don't care what your ex wants. It is his turn to take the kids. It is easier for him if you take them. Let's do what is easier for you for a change. He helped create them, he can help raise them. I seem to remember at one time your daughter was going to go live with him and then changed her mind. I think you are so tired and exhausted that you cannot take control over them anymore. They are controlling you and hurting you. I know what that is like. You just get to the place where it is easier to let them do whatever because it is too difficult to fight them. I don't want to loose you. I don't just mean to suicide Sooz. i don't want to lose you. Fight as hard to get your ex to be responsible for their day to day care as you do to keep your dogs alive when they are in trouble. You are worth that type of fight. :hug:
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