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Really want to just end it all

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by michael29187, Jul 20, 2010.

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  1. michael29187

    michael29187 Member


    Well im new to this forum,Im 23 I live in London,and I have gotten to the stage of really wanting to kill myslef,but at the same time cant imagine doing it.I think about Death a lot of the time,and how I really do not want to live past the age of 30.I tried once when I was 16 but it was not a really serious attempt.I think about how miserable my life will be if i stick around for another 10 years.The reason why I have not gone through with this is well my family,my parents and my aunts probably would never recover if I did it.
    We have a history of living to a really old age in my family and I dont want to sentence my Aunts and my Parents to 4 decades of misery.It would be great if someone repiled because I kind of need to dicuss this with someone
  2. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Hi Michael welcome to the forum for a start, can I ask what has triggered you to feel like this, and have you talked about it after your first attempt with anyone?
  3. HOW

    HOW Well-Known Member

    Hey Michael, welcome to the board.

    Want to tell us a bit more about why you´re feeling like this? Do you live at home?

    Its a step talking out, so dont give up. We´re here to help mate.
  4. michael29187

    michael29187 Member

    After my first attempt ,i ended up in the hospital so eveyone knew about it.I dont think their is a real tigger for me thinking like this,if anything this time of year just brings out the worst in me,also I keep on thinking that I should do it soon,because my worst fear is that I will end up like thoese lonely old people you sometimes see walking the streets alone.Its ok now im still youngish with friends and family but in another 10 years I will be some sad old bastard with nothing .People always say suicide is the most selfish act,but to me its selfish for people to expect you to stick around when you are so unhappy.I feel like I just want to sleep for 20 hours a day.
  5. PollyAnna

    PollyAnna Account Closed

    Don't do It, sweetheart. You really want to live and want life to get better. It can happen!Yes, your life Is hard. But, there's going to be a time when It's going to be easy, and you'll have to be alive to recognize that! That's why you have to work at reducing your depression. try to put your suicidal thoughts away for now and think of ways to feel better and getting help. Life will truely get better, If u let It get better. Find someone to trust In with your suicidal thoughts in real life. Anyone. You made the correct decision on coming to this site. you should focus on getting better, because like everyone else , you're a significant, precious person and if u died, it would be very heartbreaking to this community,your family and friends.
  6. Azmodius

    Azmodius Well-Known Member

    Hi Michael,

    You've come here for help and advice, which is a good thing. I might be a little presumptuous, but you seem like a genuinely caring person, the fact that you've been thinking about the effect on your family if you did this is proof. It's also an amazing quality, and shows you can connect emotionally with people.

    I know (as we mostly do here!) that it can be really hard just waking up, and even motivating ourselves to keep going can be rough, but things might get better in the next 10 years. We don't know what's around the corner, and not everyone ends up alone and miserable as they get older. In my early teenage years, I had no friends and was distant from my family emotionally, introverted and alone. Even despite how I've felt, I've made some friends, and had relationships, all these are possible, and will make life that little bit easier.

    We're all here to help each other, if you feel yourself slipping or just need to talk, don't hesitate to contact we whilst I'm here!
  7. michael29187

    michael29187 Member

    Thanks for replying ,I have to say i begening to care less and less about my parents and what they would go through.I feel a lot of my issues are down to them.Sometimes I think its not a good idea to share this with anyone because people have been though my episodes before and if I were them I would probably just say go and kill youself then.Honestley life is really not worth this much crap
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Hey Michael,
    The weird thing is that I think everyone either expects to die by thirty by their own hands or someone else's. I am sad that you are down, but I can say that the older you get the more understanding you get. All the answers I have ever wanted, I have now at age 28. But I gat my answers from Yahweh and his word. Not church or preachers, him and his word. I prayed alot and asked for wisdom, enlightenment and understanding to get all that I know. Now I understand everything to why the world is the way it is to my purpose in this life. Also what kind of person I am to be in order to be a blessings to others instead of how I used to feel; a curse. Hang in there, and change what you can. You have more power in your life than you think. Blessings..
  9. ready

    ready Member

    20 hours a day of sleep sounds good to me! lol

    i think our situations are similar in that i'm not gone b/c of my family and girlfriend. i've heard that it's the most selfish, but, yes, it's selfish for them to want to keep me here even though i don't want to be....

    i've never seriously tried to take my own life, so everyone would take it by surprise. it would ruin quite a few people, and i know that. if i do go, i'll be leaving a long letter.

    i want to go b/c the world disgusts me and i'm tired of contributing to society. why do you want to go? is it just b/c you don't think you'll be happy in the future? or is there more to it?
  10. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you feel so badly. Im praying for you,please do too. Tell us what would make life worth living for you. Then lets make aplan to get it for you. Lets out your energy there instead of negative thoughts. Tell us more of how you got to feel this way., We'd like to know the whole story. You are obviously a good person,we NEED people like you. PLEASE STAY AND BE OUR FRIEND. We will help. HOPE is always a moment away.PLEASE trust me its true!!!!

    Write me if you like,

  11. michael29187

    michael29187 Member

    Hi thnaks for replying.Well today i went to the doctor and I told him I want to go back on the meds.I dont think its a long term fix though.I dont think Im going to do it,but i cant say for 100 per cent that I wont.I keep on imagineing it ,monday I found a really nice spot at the park and I thought this would a be a good place to die .

    I couldnt do it in London though,it would kill my aunt,my parents would blame her big time.If I go back to Ireland,their is a much bigger chance.Being around people in London helps a lot.In ireland I live in the middle of the country and its so depressing.

    Im gay and this is a big part of the problem.I dont think being gay is wrong,but the lifestyle is horrible.Its so seedy and horrible.Trust me you would be better off dead than being a middle aged gay man.You see fifty and sixty years olds looking for sex with strangers and you just think it such a lonely way to live.

    The funny thing is I should be happy I just finished my first year of a undergrad course at a good university and it could lead to me getting a good job,but i just dont care between now and the next five years I will probably be dead anyway.
  12. Rusty

    Rusty New Member

    Sexuality often is a core issue when dealing with depression. You are right, 'the gay lifestyle' can be seedy and nasty, but it can also be wonderful. It's going to be what you make of it. Choose to live by your own rules, not those of others. You are attracted to men, but you are still you, and not the sum of a label that someone else puts on you.

    You have nothing to appologize for, and you have everything to live for. Don't worry about becoming part of the 'seedy' underground of gay life, instead, focus on becoming a mature gay man who is an example for the rest of us to live by, both gay and straight alike. You are you, and you will become whatever you want to become. Don't let yourself be defined by labels and the closed minds of others.

    Be a strong proud gay man and dare to live another day.

    Good luck.
  13. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi Michael,

    Are you in therapy? Not just meds ,but talk therapy? I think that would help. What about a support group for gay men? That might be good too.Im sure there are many other people that feel the way you do about the lifestyle. Ive known fifty and sixty year old gay men that were very happy and living full lives. So dont let negative things bother you.
    PLEASE NEVER HURT YOURSELF. We all want you to be happy and will offer the best advice and hope!!!! You can turn it around.Try to put all your energy into solutions and try to stop the negativity. WE will give you love and friendship and eventually you will find hope and happiness!!!!

    Write me if you like,
  14. michael29187

    michael29187 Member

    You know feeling like this is hard enough,but the stigma that comes with it is horrible.I was just at the pharmacy and the pharmiscist made me feel like a complete weirdo ,they just looked at me like I was completely abnormal,I would have thought they would have know that having this problem is common but I guess not.Does anyone have experince citalopram side effects its been two years since I have been on anything.
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