Really want to

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by mixedemotions, May 18, 2009.

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  1. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    So, things in life are going 'pretty good' for now and the more I think about it, the more I feel that I should be 'happy' in the current situation that I'm in.
    But I'm really not.
    I don't think I'll ever be truely 'happy' again. I see my self lucky for having a supportive and loving family, friends that care and a boyfriend who would do any thing for me. But still I'm not 'happy'. I don't fully understand why, but some times I feel things would be better if I had just killed my self all those months back when i was at my lowest, maybe then things would be easier for other people.
    But yeah I should be 'happy' and people always ask me why I'm not. And I never truely know what to say.

    But any way, I went off the whole point of this thread, the thing is, recently I have been getting really strong urges to self harm. And I wanna harm worse than ever before. I suffer from a bad back and I gotta take some heavty pain killers to even walk in a morning. Some mornings I just wanna take all the pills I have, and I wanna cut my back open and rip the pain away. I wanna make it all go away and it just wont.

    Maybe if I harm some where else the pain in my back will ease, I'll be able to get on with my life, be normal like everyone else. Not have to worry about falling down the stairs, loosing my footing and tripping off the bus. Drop a child at work bcoz I cant support their weight when carrying them. I worry all the time in failing in what I really wanna do in life.

    I hate this back pain, but most of all I hate my self for feeling like cutting will help it all. I know it wont. I've tried it all before, but still i sit here wanting to cut until I cant hold on any longer. Until I have lost so much blood that a pass out. Atleast then I wont feel any thing.
    I should be 'happy' but I'm not.
  2. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well you shouldn't be happy or sad, you should be however you feel. It doesn't do any good beating yourself up for not feeling the way you think you should. Situations don't always decide whether we feel happy or sad. If you're sad, you're sad, it is what it is, and it's OK!

    You said you sometimes wish you ended it a while back when you were at your lowest so it would have been easier. Maybe now that you have more support, you are missing that old self-harming/suicidal self. Maybe you feel like you're losing yourself so you want to cut to get back in touch with what was, because it's comfortable. Just a guess.

    much love
    :heart: :hug:
  3. mixedemotions

    mixedemotions Forum Buddy

    I don't really know how I found be feeling any more. All I know is that I should be hapy for what I've got and how far I have come, but it seems I'm not for some strange reason. I don't really know any more.
    I want to cut the pain away, not just the physical but the emotional too. It's hard to explain but I just don't want it there any more.
  4. Dubstepper

    Dubstepper Staff Alumni


    im sorry you feel so down. my box is open if u just wanna rant. u know i :wub: s ya
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