Really, what's the point?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DatAlgorithm, Mar 1, 2012.

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  1. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    I don't know just how much longer I can keep up this facade of being "okay"... everything I say is wrong, everything I do is wrong, every time I look in the mirror I feel butt-ugly, every step I take is self-conscious, everything I work for is a waste of time. I'm lonely extremely often, and it's getting to me. I don't know how much more of this crap called "life" I can take; I won't be missed much. My family might be sad for a while, but eventually just call me selfish and spoiled and weak and inconsiderate. My friends will probably not be surprised at all... and my more religious ones will blame it on me "not accepting Jesus Christ as my lord and savior." I'm sure the woman of my dreams might actually be relieved so that there's one less guy out there whose got a thing for her. I don't wanna be where I'm not wanted, and that includes in this life. I'm extremely sure that I'm going to off myself; I'm tired of staying alive only for the sake of everyones' guilt trips and their insincere cliches that kind of serve as a "Get Well Soon, Dave!" card, but then when I want to talk, it never works and they are suddenly busy. According to this world, everything bad is my fault, everything wrong that happens to me is all my fault, everything PERIOD is my fault... it'll finally be nice when I'm freed from the blame, whether it's mine or not. I'm just fed up, and I don't know how much more of all this crap I can take.

    Here's to hoping that I die in my sleep.
     
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I wish I could say that I didn't understand where you are coming from, but sadly, I do. i have asked myself that same question many times. Tonight being one of them. What can we do to improve one aspect of the way you are feeling? Can we help you to build a little of that self-confidence. Perhaps some self talk? I know it sounds stupid and like there is no way it can work, but it is worth a try. What is something positive about yourself? I know there are things you are good at. Capitalize on your talents. As for your family only being sad for awhile. Well, I don't think that is true. There will be a void that only you can fill, and it won't be. Death by natural causes is something we have learned to grieve and accept, even though it is difficult. Suicide is a whole different ball game. While we learn to live with that death, I don't believe the grief ever ends. The feelings of guilt and inadequacy remains forever. There are always the "what ifs...?" The same would go for your friends. They may not be surprised by it, but it will not make it easier to accept. So, make it a goal to try and change just one thing. One step at a time, things can get better. Maybe not everything will, but maybe enough to make life worth living once again. Don't give up TehAnime. Your life is worth fighting for. :hug:
     
  3. clairedelune

    clairedelune Well-Known Member

    I totally understand you so you're not really alone. God is just trying to put things in the right places. Someday, you'll get to realize that. :)))))
     
  4. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    Thanks for trying to help... I'm still dead-set on ending my life 'cause of how I keep living year after year and NOTHING is getting better; even when it does, it'll quickly go back to being as bad as (or worse than) it was before. I am tired of fighting a losing war; it drains me and drains me and the pain just doesn't stop. I'm tired of people acting like they know what's wrong, IE "oh, you just lack self-confidence!" or "All you need to do is be POSITIVE NO MATTER WHAT!" acting like I've never tried any of it before. No, my life is not worth fighting for... I'm the most replaceable human being on the planet, and my birth was really just a chemical coincidence.

    Plus, if this is the best that god can do trying to "put things in the right places," then he/she's doing a bang-up job. I'm sure if there IS a god, I'm nothing more than say the first field monster in an RPG to them or like a hacky sack to kick around. I feel like no matter what, everything I ask for is too much; even when it comes to ending my own life and finally freeing myself of the bullshit.
     
  5. clairedelune

    clairedelune Well-Known Member

    You might say that right now. But one day, it'll all make sense. Trust me. :)
     
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