REALLY, who cares?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Akai_Namida, Apr 10, 2015.

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  1. Akai_Namida

    Akai_Namida Member

    I have not posted here in almost a year. Part of it has been due to the chronic feelings of futility I tend to experience, which usually ends in my bottling my feelings until I want t hurt myself. More often than not, my posting here is kind of like a last resort before I decide no one cares and I give up trying to reach out until I feel like I am on the edge once again. I guess that is where I am right now, otherwise I would not be here. But, broken record that I am, I do not know what to do anymore and I have no idea when I will finally break.

    My 29th birthday was on Monday and there was nothing happy about it. Ever since I was 25, I have experienced this irrational feelng that my life is over. 25 may as well equal 75 so I may as well be in the ground now. Well, I guess I don't have to express how I feel this year. But it would not be so upsetting for me to be this age if I had some semblance of my own life. But I don't. I have nothing of my own. I live at home with my mother because my only friend betayed me last summer by literally kicking me on the street and leaving me to rot. I have had to move back home and honestly Mom is in zo much poverty that she has needed EVERY CENT I MAKE. That in itself would not depress me so much if it were not for the fact that every time I save any money for myself, she gets extremely angry at me. As if I have no right to keep any. And then I feel greedy and disgusting. I get treated like a child here, too. Not just by her, but by my YOUNGER siblings of all people. What little dignity I have is quickly being stripped away by the constant verbal abuse being heaped on me by the people who are supposed to love me. I get no say in my own life, I get no privacy or respect and no matter how kuch I speak up, nothing ever changes. I don't drive or have a car so leaving is not an option. I constantoy dream of just walking out the door and not looking back but that is not really a possibility. I have pets that would probably be sent to the humane society if I left and I would die before I let that happen to tgem just because I want out.

    I also have somewhat of a substance abuse problem, according to my brothers. I have struggled with insomnia since I was 16 and over the last seven years or so have needed to take medication to help. They have decided that I do not have sleep difficulties even though I have been to several doctors about it and have had to take several prescription medications to help me sleep, otherwise I will stay awake for days. My family knows this. They have seen how I am without sleep and yet everyone decides to go alo g with my 20year old brother when HE decides I do not need medication. He says it is because he thinks I sleep too much on my days off. Well there is a reason for that as well. On weeknights when Ihave to work the next day, my brain has trouble shutting down. I have gone three to four nights without more than five hours of sleep total. So yes, when I get a day off, I crash because I am exhausted. Not to mention, my depression has gone untreated for so long and has gotten so bad, why woyld I WANT to be awake when don't have to be? I have no reason to want to stay awake or even alive. I have no friends in the world and no one to talk to. I have no way out of this situation and every attempt to ask for help regarding my mental state goes ignored. My life has stopped and I feel so worthless. I cannot be in this same situation this same time next year. If I am, then I will not have a choice. I either have to literally walk out of the door and take my chances ON FOOT with only the clothes on my back or I have to give up because nothing will ever change and I will die like this, living in my mother's house being bossed around by my younger siblings until they get to leave to start their lives. They aren't being guilted into staying at home like I am. I feel I should mention that. The boys get to do as they please and always have. My 26 year old brother gets to drink himself stupid if he wants and she even buys the liquor for him! But if I buy a $5 dvd for myself because I work 12 hours a day cleaning houses and I think I have earned it, suddenly I'm selfish and catch hell for it?

    I cannot do this much more. If this is all my life is ever going to be then I do not want it anymore. I am exhausted and alone and scared. I just need something to change but I don't know what to do. I just can't contnue on like this being ignored like my feelings don't matter. I need help...
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2015
  2. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I would like to send you a deeply compassionate and hopeful post that will somehow make a difference in your life but right now I am suffering from an overdose and my brain is not very functional. I totally get the need for sleep, btw, since this has driven me to take more than, or the wrong kind of meds more than once in my life. And my pets have kept me from the final solution more times than I can count. Since my brain isn't working well, I will just tell you I'm rooting for you and hope this forum can help you get back in charge of your life. It is helping me enormously - I hope the same for you. Hugs to you and the furry ones.
     
  3. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    You should post here more often. I care. Um, yeah I do. Its very much a insignificant gesture that doesnt help but its genuine. So does me saying I relate. You asked for help..... well, sigh, I cant offer that. I mean ive been in this state for so long I cant tell which way is up anymore. You know I post here too, and probably 3 people read a essay of pain that I bleed out, and yeah sometimes it feels like no one hears me but, I realize this site is a place at least we can bleed and dwell and vent and rant and, i dont know if it helps but but sometimes when I write it feels like vomiting when your suffering from a stomach virus, I get relief just from letting it out.

    Happy Belated Bday btw.... My entire 20's were as I describe it, the Dark Age. Im older now, learned to cope a little better, and I dont break mirror and put holes in walls anymore. I usually just hurt myself. Mirrors and walls dont heal, I can. What you feel is irrational and very much not reality. Your life isnt over. That could be good or bad depending on your situation, but I think just kind of sitting down, doing some soul searching, exhausting every thought and option you feel is viable and realistic, and whatever you decide try to make small steps toward that. I too have had to weight the option of staying tolerant with my family and walking out of the door and taking a long ride to no where. At a certain point their criticism and petty remarks became white noise and I take my money, do what I want but also I do what is responsible and try to give as much as I can and help out. Lets say the bare minimum of what I can get away with. My mother insulting me and reminding me how worthless I am at a certain point just turns in her throwing another brick at me when im already crushed and buried under tons of them already. You dont even feel it. Oh and probably my deep animosity towards her helps. If I killed myself, I wouldnt want her to hurt and grieve but I have to admit it wouldnt be something that would be a big factor in deterring me. She would be ok in a few months. She wants me gone so bad anyway. I remember buying a new video game console for myself as part of my strategy to throw as much material sh*t at my depression as I can and see what sticks. When she saw it you would have thought I was smuggling drugs in her house. She had this shocked look on her face like how dare I save my money over the course of 7 months and buy my on Bday present.

    I dont have the energy or strength to argue or defend myself so when they ask me to do something ill do it, i mean I live here and im not a leech. But when I want something or dont feel up to it, ill listen to them scream, block it out and basically spend that time daydreaming about something, occasionally saying, yes mama, your right. When she cries in front of me I dont feel anything anymore. I just say im sorry. I know im the biggest mistake in her life, but I didnt choose to be her son and I was her "mistake" as she once put it. If you work 12 hours, your my hero, i dont know how you do it. Dont feel disgusting and guilty. Be proud of that. And take refuge in the irony that they need and depend on you so very heavily. Even more than you need them. But also continue to be kind, cos theyre family. In the end, they really are all you have.

    I seem to forgot how to naturally fall asleep. I think ive spent too many years chemically inducing myself to sleep. I have bad insomnia but when i do sleep I have the most wicked nightmares. You have to take care of yourself and do whats best for you and your frame of mind. I say this alot but you should take refuge in whatever you have left in your life no matter how small and live as comfortable as possible. Keep thinking about what you want, what is possible, and what you can do. You know deep down your not a selfish person. But before you decide to walk out the door, have a plan and a taxi or bus waiting and know where your going.

    Take care
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there,

    You sure have a lot going on in your mind right now. Are you younger siblings paying any money to your mother too? If not, then maybe ye can split the payment. You should not and do not have to feel guilty for something you have obviously worked very hard for. Save your money secretly would be my advice and ask them to treat you with respect. I can see why you are so down, I feel for you so much :(

    If you need a friend or just a listening ear then I am here for you, I will be your friend and we'll get through this together. Also, happy belated birthday hun!
     
  5. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member


    Exactly ;) I do the same thing. I hide money like im a criminal. hehe...... Petal's wisdom is limitless.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 10, 2015
  6. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I noticed you edited your post and was so struck by the words you added that I googled them. Had never heard of this artist before - thanks for the intro. Really lovely, in such a sad way.

    MM and Petal speak a lot of wisdom, I think.

    Do not fear the 30s. I hated turning 29, but turning 30 was the beginning of something new!

    Why am I crying?
    Why am I lost?
    Why did I stop?
    Please tell me
    When will I grow up?
    How long can I stay a child?
    Where have I come running from?
    Where am I running to?

    I had no place to live. I couldn't find one.
    I don't know if I could have any hope for the future.

    They always said I was a strong child.
    They praised me, saying "you must be strong to not cry."
    I didn't want those words at all.
    So I pretended not to understand.

    Why are you laughing?
    Why are you by my side?
    Why are you leaving me?
    Please tell me.
    When did you become strong?
    Since when have you felt weakness?
    How long must you wait
    for the day you understand to come?

    The sun is rising. I must go soon.
    I can't stay in the same place forever.

    You will someday be betrayed by your trust in people.
    I thought it was the same as being rejected.
    At the time I didn't have that kind of strength.
    I definitely knew too much.

    They always said I was a strong child.
    They praised me, saying "you must be strong not to cry."
    The more people said things like that,
    the more even laughing became agony.

    I was born alone. I'll go on living alone.
    I thought that surely that kind of life is appropriate.
     
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