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Reason to live for myself

#1
For the past 8 years or so, I have lived almost exclusively to avoid pain for other people. I know there are people in my life that would care deeply if I die and I don't want to cause them pain. This is becoming less viable each day to stop myself so I'm hoping people who have struggled with a similar problem can help me find something to live for outside of this. Thanks for any soul searching suggestions.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#2
Welcome to the forum and nice to see you have joined. I am mostly solitary here and without much that I find positive to forward too and believe you will find many good folks here to join in with.
 
#3
Hi Stedtr and welcome. I’m not sure what your stance is when you say living to stop other people’s pain but I think perhaps I can relate in some way. I see it that I am in pain but if I take my life then I will be sharing that pain and passing it on to those people in my life and my family, particularly my own children. So my pain will end but I will simply pass it on to others and this thought is definitely one of the factors which has prevented me from doing anything up until now. May I ask why after 8 years you feel you are no longer needing to protect those around you?
Whatever circumstances have brought you here I can tell you that since joining SF I have found great comfort and support from an amazing community and when it is impossible to express how you are feeling with those around you and expect them to understand, here people do understand and get it. For now I’d like to say please stay with us and I hope you find the same comfort and support that I have. Stay safe and take care.
 

the.end.ish

Misknown Member
#4
I always say staying alive through guilt is no way to live.

For me I try to hang onto passions that have resonated with me since I was young. I believe these are what are closest to my soul, even if depression tries to warp them.

Do you have anything like that?

Otherwise, I just hang onto to the hope that my life will change and the single fleeting but beautiful moments that spring up in the most unexpected of times. Sometimes, when I'm able to wade through the fog, moments like this make it worth it.

For more practical advice, I think generating a goal and creating a plan to reach that goal is beneficial. E.g. main goal: finish college. Mini goals: study for 2 hours a day, take copious notes, etc.

This technique has made life more livable for me as it renders what seem like impossible and overwhelming situations/dreams doable. Then living seems ... easier. I guess.

Glad you're here. :)
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#5
Hi @stedtr I think the reason for living will be different for everyone. Do you have any goals you want to achieve? You'll always have a place here to share your thoughts and feelings. We're here for you. And we're glad to have you here.
 
#6
I do have goals and such, but have no follow through with them. I have tried making mini goals but it's also something I struggle to complete a lot of the time. Most days it is nearly impossible to get out of bed. I manage it most days and then I'm surrounded by the absolute filth I have allowed my apartment to become. Even when I manage to clean it always ends up being dirty again soon. I recently decided to quit my job because it was taking 60 hours a week to complete and go back to university, but I just started and am already feeling it was a mistake because of my lack of motivation. I am already 60 grand in debt from my first time around in university, I've eaten myself into what I can only describe as a blob shape. Everything is harder to do, I've always struggled with weight. The only way I've ever successfully lost weight is by purging, and even then I was still overweight. My real goal I guess would be able to get fit enough to enjoy sports with my friends, but that seems impossible because I eat my feelings and they aren't getting any better. I'm gay and from a Mormon family. Being in the closet isn't a great feeling. It shouldn't matter because I'm 30 and I can just say screw them at this point, but it isn't something that feels right. It just feels like everything is stacked against me and I don't have any tools to start chipping away at them. Sorry for the rant. Thanks for reading.
 

JDot

J to the Dizzle O to the Tizzle
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#7
It can be hard to get motivated. Sometimes I think we procrastinate because we need a break from everything. The problem is everything is happening so fast. We have to take everything as it comes I guess. The truth is I think you have more motivation than you give yourself credit for. Working 60 hours a week is hard. I'm pretty sure my place would be a mess if I worked that much. The fact that you're going back to school shows you have some kind of determination too.

It must be hard being in the closet. I hope you get the courage to come out to your family. I'm rooting for you.
 

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