Reasons for being suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Schannah, Jun 14, 2010.

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  1. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    I'm finding myself increasingly isolated and I hope this is a good place to find like-minded people, who have thought what I am thinking, and who can tell me what comes next.

    I have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, and it's only been a couple of years since I realised that this isn't a healthy thing. I made a couple of half-hearted teen attempts, but when I got to university things got serious and I was committed. I came out of hospital under supervision of my family, but spent the next few months revising my plan, and made a serious attempt to OD, which was thoroughly thwarted by simple dialysis (the last thing I remember before I blacked out was the ambulance men knocking on the door and I was thinking, it's going to be a race between me and the hospital - let's see who wins!) Since then I have sorted myself out a bit, at least in terms of functioning, and I now have a full-time job, a long-term relationship, etc.

    But I'm still suicidal. My suicidal thoughts used to be governed by panic and depression and fear, and now it's morphed into something more low-level, more philosophical and much more constant. I don't know if I'm wrong, and I don't know if I'm sick.

    Having tried to find out if I'm sick: the doctors I've spoken to tell me that I'm incapable of reason, and use this as a way to avoid discussing suicide with me as a real issue: their logic goes that I'm suicidal, therefore I'm insane, and vice versa. (How can you tell I'm insane? Because you're suicidal. Why am I suicidal? Because you're insane. - and so on.) This may sound trite but I have literally had this conversation with a consultant, who then threatened to have me sectioned if I didn't take antidepressants. My other experiences with various professionals have not been much better, including my GP who tried to convert me to Christianity. So how can I tell if I'm insane, if their logic doesn't hold?

    Trying to find out if I'm wrong is a whole lot harder. As far as I have been able to find, a lot of people appear to be suicidal in a reactionary kind of way, and all advice seems to be geared towards these people - I think because it's easier to respond to them. What do you do if you just don't want to be a part of the world, if you don't like the flaws inherent in the way people think and act, and if you don't see a great deal of reason not to commit suicide? Is there any answer to this? Am I missing something?

    So, if anybody feels like it, would you please be able to tell me why you are suicidal and whether you think we could talk about it?


  2. alle_vite

    alle_vite Well-Known Member

    Hi hannah welcome to the forum to start with

    I can see were your coming from wih mental health being such a huge taboo subject and most docters have not been through it i never understand how they can claim your insane for having these thoughts when there is clearly a large amount of people who do were just hidden away from society!

    I battle with self harm and suicidal thoughts everyday acted a number of times on them.. i can honestly say it was when my daughter died in 2006 amongst loosing my job my house my family and friends i literally lost everything in my life within the space of about 5 months, it tipped me over the edge totaly changed who i am today and the way u cope with a bad event in my life is to sh or look for my way out, ive tried a number of different therapies to no avail and im currently on some anti phycotic meds while being moniterd by my doc and shrink!

    If you ever want to talk about anything my pm is open

  3. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello Hannah and welcome to Sf. I've been suicidal but thankfully was never told I was insane! That just seems wrong to me.
    I agree that if a definite reason is found for suicidal thoughts then it is easier to treat but for a large number of people depression/suicidal thoughts just descend on them wrapping them in a big black cloud and lowering them to the bottom of the pit.
    Have you taken antidepressants, they may not cure you may enable you to reach out and find the help you need.

  4. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    Hi Nicole, hi Hazel, thank you for the kind messages.

    Hazel, I have taken antidepressants, but these didn't work. I was on them for some time and my suicidal tendencies didn't lessen at all - in fact if anything, they solidified, and I actually stopped taking them after several months so that I could store them up and trick my doctor into giving me higher and higher dosages, to make my OD stack more potent. It worked. So antidepressants are expressly not recommended for me - which makes that one consultant's advice even less professional.

    I have tried the main recommended treatments for alleviating depression, and none of them have worked at all, which leads me to think that I'm actually not "depressed" in the way that is often described, or at least that I'm not mentally ill, and maybe I've reached this decision logically and rationally.

    Do you trust your suicidal thoughts?
  5. alle_vite

    alle_vite Well-Known Member

    I personally do trust mine, i beleive my mind knows me better than i know my self if that makes sense and i know it makes the right decisions for me so i trust it and go with what it says!
  6. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    I find it utterly shameful that our healthcare system is unable to deal with people like us. There are so many of us out there, you'd think that we would be able to overcome the stigma of mental illness.
  7. Schannah

    Schannah Member

    It's true. That's actually a better topic to be honest. I'm assuming a lot of you guys hail from the US, which means that the incompetencies in dealing with suicidal people stretch over at least two developed countries. It's a shambles. How can you be expected to get help, or even to believe you need help, when you can't trust your doctors not to threaten or evangelise you?

    I think this is why I have ended up here; my last attempt at therapy consisted of sitting in a room with a woman who seemed to have an inappropriate amount of zeal for talking about the more traumatic events of my life, so that she could exercise her foolproof techniques of hand-patting and sympathetic cow-eyes.

    Have you ever been able to discuss suicide objectively with somebody who can provide any insight?
  8. alle_vite

    alle_vite Well-Known Member

    I have one best friend who goes through the same feelings and mind set that i can talk to but not all the time! ive never been able to talk bout it activly with a health proffesional because i dont trust them i was sectioned once and i will never ever go back into that place again so i would rather lie about it all paint a smile and let them beleive im ok till its too late! I agree with adam the fact that it is clear there is millions with suicidal and self harm tendancies and mental health problems you would think they would make it more talked about and put it out there that these thoughts and feelings do crop up and its nothing to be ashamed off because to be honest if a young person started getting these thoughts and feelings were do they have to turn for advice and help before its too late?!? the health system in the us and uk seriously need to re-evaluate some of there views!
  9. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    Half the time I don't even know why I want to kill myself. It's just a constant "There's nothing ahead, just do it" going over and over. Not literally if you know what I mean :blink:. Some of it is the way I look and some of it is with who I am because some people can make fun of that etc. I have NEVER spoken to someone in real life about anything emotional pretty much so it can be hard for me to express my feeling :unsure:.
  10. Sica

    Sica Well-Known Member

    I hate that word, "suicide", it's like I pushed everyone's 'Red Button' sending off alarms of panic and alertness around me. Although, I'm not exactly suicidal, of course I'll play some sort of scenario in my head, like a day dream, and vision my passing. But as soon as I snap out of it, I continue on like it never happened and never mention it to anyone physically near me.

    I did try to at one point when I was in high school--it was an impulsive decision, I came in and out of consciousness, constantly throwing up. I OD-ed on painkillers and sleeping meds, no one was home. Most Terrible Experience I've Ever Had BTW. Afterward I did try again, by rope, actually I used wired cable, but anyway I didn't go though with it. Not because I was scared, I was thinking of my family and friends. Like how would my death affect them emotionally, physically, and financially.

    I hated my childhood, I had few friends, and I hated my family, it doesn't make sense why I'd still put them first--but I did, I cried when I thought of them. I realized that even though death is what I wanted, I still couldn't stand hurting I couldn't be selfish with my life. No one knows what I have tried to do, and I've kept it a secret from everyone for 4 years. Nor have I gotten any kind of treatment from the hospital, since I didn't check my self-in.

    In all suicide, in our minds isn't bad for us because we are the only ones who benefit from it. For others it's the remainder of their lives with Guilt for not preventing your death, and Anger of unanswered questions. Just because there are not many people in your lives doesn't mean it will hurt less for them. Please keep that in mind.
  11. isocial

    isocial Active Member

    suicide is the worst decision made by mentally affected people ,every second in a life its more prized, we have to enjoy our life with family and friends. Self motivation is help to avoid these thoughts.
  12. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    I am suicidal because there is no efficient reason not be.
    Everyone else should live there lives to the fullest, love big and laugh loud.

    As for me, I've rationalized that no matter how my life turns out, there is no reason not to kill myself.
  13. twc

    twc Well-Known Member

    I became suicidal at the end of many years of social and emotional isolation. This isolation started in childhood.

    I am not as isolated right now, but the damage has been done.

    I can share your frustration with the psych industry. There are so few people who actually help a person instead of helping themselves to a paycheck.
  14. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    "no man is unto himself an island" (the gender in the quote does not mean men as in male, but humanity, humans, people, person)

    The damage of isolation may seem permanent, but I understand how you feel and it is up to you as to whether or not you allow venom to seep into your wound and infect you.

    It is best to try to be social, have conversations with live people, make acquaintances, make friends. Do it in small steps or pinch your nose and cannonball into something bigger like a party.
    You are responsible for yourself and no one can truly tell you how to live your life, but understand that life is always worth living.

    Except for mine of course.
  15. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    To end the pain.
    I'm tired to be let down. I'm tired to be force to use third party help to feel normal. No matter how busy i get outside, I'm still so lonely inside. I'm tired of this pressure. I'm tired to pretend to be happy.
  16. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    Then I don't pretend to be happy, be happy.

    Very few people are genuinely happy for no reason. For some people, it's their family, their friends, their careers, their hobbies.

    You need to decide for yourself what actually makes you happy. What have you experienced in life that has? What haven't you experienced yet?
    Have you tried volunteering, which could give you joy by helping under privileged children work towards a brighter future.
  17. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    I had to quit my job due to my depression. I doubt i have the energy to do volonteer work.
  18. Prof.Bruttenholm

    Prof.Bruttenholm Well-Known Member

    That's your decision.

    Depression is strong but it doesn't mean you cant beat it.
    I'd start by trying to find a new job, something you'd enjoy.

    What do you like?
  19. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    I know you're trying to help. But please don't try to make it sound like it's my fault by saying things like "that's my decision".
  20. sAd1

    sAd1 Member

    I am suicidal because I am tired. I am tired and I feel alone. I feel unloved and the challenges in my life are too great. I don't want them anymore. Life is wasted on me.

    The only way I can get glimpses of love in my life is if I pretend to be something or someone that I am not.

    Love makes me happy. But to be loved I have to be something different to what I am. I'm tired of fighting to be something that I'm not.

    I have never told anyone that I am suicidal.
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