reasons to kill myself

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ellyh, Nov 6, 2013.

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  1. ellyh

    ellyh Member

    * i have no goals, interests, or passions, and don't think i will ever find any
    * the only guy i've ever been in love with (ex-boyfriend) is not in love with me, never will be, and probably never was. he even hates me now/wants nothing to do with me, because i am awful
    * nobody will ever be in love with me
    * i have no interest in sex anymore, and now the thought of emotional intimacy terrifies me
    * i hate being sober, but now drinking and pot don't even help anymore
    * i come off as intelligent to most people, but i'm actually quite stupid/vapid
    * i get dumber everyday. i don't even know how to use my mind anymore
    * i can't even read a book anymore
    * my mind doesn't function the way it used to, no matter how much i try
    * my memory is shot
    * learning new things feels increasingly impossible
    * i am almost 32 yrs old and have nothing to show for it
    * i am broke and will always be broke
    * i can't even afford to take care of a cat or a dog, just paying rent is a struggle
    * all i do is work meaningless, shit jobs, and that's all i'll ever do
    * i will never be able to afford to travel
    * i'm self-centered and selfish
    * i suck at life
    * i'm a loser/pathetic
    * i feel empty all of the time
    * i have nothing to offer anyone
    * i never have anything of worth or interesting to say
    * i suck at socializing
    * i'm lonely all of the time, but afraid of social interactions
    * it's getting almost impossible to hang out with the few friends i have, i don't want to subject them to me and i don't know why they even like/hang out with me
    * i feel extremely inadequate next to all of my friends, ex-bf's, acquaintances
    * i'm extremely boring
    * people only like me 'cause i'm "nice"
    * i feel like i was meant to be alone
    * i'm completely talentless, i suck at everything. seriously, i'm not good at anything.
    * nobody would really miss me except for my mom
    * there will be no one to take care of me if i grow old and am unable to take care of myself
    * on top of being dumb, i'm nothing special to look at
    * things like music, lit, art have no true effect on me anymore, or interest me
    * i have no attention span anymore. i can barely pay attention to things on netflix, hulu, etc.
    * i can't think of a hobby that interests me, and quickly fell out of the ones i've tried
    * my life has no meaning
    * getting out of bed for anything except my stupid job is becoming increasingly difficult
    * i hate myself
    * i feel completely worthless
    * i'm depressing and boring. why would anyone want to be around me?
    * i think about wanting to die everyday. many times a day.
    * i've spent the majority of my life wanting to die, starting at age 8, possibly younger
    * i have no hope for the future
    * only i can change these things, and i have no idea how to change any of them, and don't think i ever will.

    i'm sure there are more reasons. that's just what i can think of right now.

    reasons why i can't/shouldn't kill myself:
    * my mom
    * i don't have the guts to go with a "fool-proof" method
    * i might fail, yet inflict brain damage, become a vegetable, injure vital organs, etc., and become a financial and emotional burden to my family
    * reading attempt:success ratios/statistics for various methods is very discouraging (think shooting yourself in the head is "fool-proof?" you'd be amazed by how many people survive.)

    i just feel trapped in this hopeless, empty, miserable, lonely "life."
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2013
  2. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    Have you sought therapy or counseling? You have extremely low self esteem, and I'm guessing a huge sense of guilt. When we feel that much guilt in our lives, especially coupled with a sense of no self worth, it is often the result of abuse, either physical, emotional, sexual (or all of the above) as a child, often by a trusted adult. And instead of putting the blame where it really lies, on the abuser, we put it on ourselves. If you can get the right sort of help, it might help to reassign those feelings, and help you find that sense of self worth you deserve.
     
  3. ellyh

    ellyh Member

    i can't afford therapy or counseling, otherwise i'd try it. i tried to look into free therapy/counseling. that was a joke. it doesn't really exist as far as i can tell. the wait list for those places is years and years and years, and i couldn't even get a live person to speak to. i left a ton of voice mails with different places, none of which were ever returned. the voicemails always said they were "currently operating at full capacity" and i can't afford the "cheap" care, which is not so cheap. thanks anyway.
     
  4. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    Can I ask you if you did indeed suffer abuse as child? I'm asking because I've felt a lot of the things you do, and I was abused. I found that getting it out, even if it's just on line, can be helpful. Sort of bringing the secret bad things into the light. It really helped towards my starting to heal. I wasn't able to afford counseling either, but through talking about it, and spending time working things out and learning to put the blame where it belongs, I'm starting to get better. I'm now trying to get to the point where I can forgive my abusers. It's not easy, but I'm finding that realizing that they were very unhappy damaged people, who did what they did because they were ill, and that it had nothing to do with me, or who I was, is helping me to have a better sense of self worth.

    There can be light at the end of the tunnel, but getting through that tunnel can be tough. But for me, it's been worth the journey.
     
  5. ellyh

    ellyh Member

    yes, but i don't see how talking about that would make me feel better. my dad is finally dead, i will definitely never forgive him, or want to forgive him, for what he did to me, my mom, my sister and brother (and other people, too), and i only wish i could've gotten away with killing him myself. i would've shot him right in his fucking face, but i wouldn't go to jail for that bastard. i know that makes me sound psychotic, but i would never hurt anyone else, and have never been the aggressive type or ever even been in a school yard fight, or anything close. i think, even if the abuse didn't happen, i would still hate myself. i just suck.

    i'm happy you're starting to heal and find peace. that's excellent.
     
  6. Ai To Hikari

    Ai To Hikari Active Member

    Hello.

    Here are some reasons not to kill yourself, and be a strong warrior!

    * There are things in this world for everyone.
    * Everyone has a soul mate. _ Remember: we get what we put out.
    * There are people out there who love you more than you know.
    * It's okay to be Asexual, it actually helps one's energetic body strengthen!
    * Drinking can Pot can be fun, but things can go bad if they replace love. Give yourself some love. Know that you are amazing.
    * If you think you are stupid, learn more! There is no limit to what you can do!
    * You cannot get dumber each day, but you CAN get wiser. This allows you to see more and more of your flaws and gives you great freedom to pick and choose what you want to change about yourself.
    * If you can't read a book anymore, that says you have yet to find one that speaks to you.
    * The mind is always changing. Become an observer and see where the change takes you.
    * Short memory? Could you be living in the NOW?
    * Knowledge is best absorbed instead of 'learned'.
    * You are a soul born of love.
    * A poor man is stronger than a rich man.
    * All issues can be overcome.
    * You have yet to find the right job.
    * Next week or even tomorrow , there could be amazing wonders in your life.
    * Self-centered and selfish? I think not! I don't think you are selfish enough!
    * If you suck at life, you can observe, find the root of your failures, and then start WINNING at life.
    * Your world teaches you so much.
    * You have not given yourself enough credit.
    * You have more value then you realize! Look within and find it!
    * If you have nothing interesting to say, perhaps it is because your mind works differently than others. You need to live to find out what makes YOU different!
    * You don't have to social to be happy.
    * Believe it or not, there is far more to your soul than what you perceive at the moment.
    * You need to study your thoughts and emotions.
    * Everyone has much to offer.
    * Boring? - That can only be a symptom!
    * People like you because you are nice.
    * It's okay to be alone. It doesn't mean you are bad.
    * You have family.
    * Who's to say what you'll be when your old.
    * Physical appearance doesn't matter. Anyone can be beautiful.
    * You have been stuck in the same place for too long. EXPLORE!
    * Meditation helps.
    * The world evolves so quickly, no one can keep up with it all.
    * Your life has a meaning, but you have yet to find it.
    * The world is full of miracles.
    * You need to find love.
    * You need to find value.
    * You can't die before you have found these things!
    * Death is only a transformation, not a way to end suffering.
    * You are a conscious being.
    * The future holds many possibilities.
    * Change is a gradual process. It requires study, and self-love.

    Ai To Hikari.
     
  7. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    Wow. Well said.
     
  8. ronnymarie

    ronnymarie Guest

    Hon, you don't suck. I think you hate yourself because you feel powerless, and that makes for a feeling of no control over you life. And while you can't control what happened to you, you can start taking some control over what happens next. As far as forgiving the abuser, you don't do that because they deserve it, they don't. You forgive because it gives the power back to you and takes it away from the abuser. There comes a point where you have to let go of the anger and hate or it will destroy you.
     
  9. ellyh

    ellyh Member

    to ai to hikari, while i appreciate the time and effort you put into your response... all i can do is roll my eyes at everything you said.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2013
  10. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    Nobody's born perfect. What I saw you post was not a list of reasons not to live, it looked more like opportunities for improvement.
     
  11. Ai To Hikari

    Ai To Hikari Active Member

    Thank you.

    Please try to understand though: you are all that you seek.
    Our demons may alter our perception.

    Keep fighting, friend.

    Ai To Hikari.
     
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