I want to start this off by saying this is going to be a long post, but I also firmly believe it will be worth your while to take time to read it. Please keep in mind I don't want it to discourage anyone from seeking out the help someone actually needs!!!!!! Now I'm going to share about my recent, horrifying and unnecessary hospitalization experience. On Sunday, May 15, 2016 I had been triggered thru a conversation with my father. It wasn't him; he had simply relayed a message which sparked my anxiety BIG time (due to a previous trauma). Most of the time (not all the time) when I experience anxiety I actually experience it the nerves themselves. It feels like the vibration sound you'd hear in major power lines, and I feel it thru every nerve in my body from my shoulders, arms and chest down to my feet. It doesn't hurt, but it is bothersome especially when I can't get it to stop. I worked for 7.5hrs to try to get the anxiety back into check, and had tried everything I could think of at the time to do so. I had listened to mellow, encouraging music; had a friend over, and we even went to a couple stores (distraction). I did deep breathing exercises, played with my dog, and did some mindfulness exercises that my therapist has encouraged. I also took my anxiety meds (the prescribed amount), and still couldn't get it managed. Now I could have simply continued popping anxiety meds till it was resolved, but I wasn't looking to be irresponsible or over do it, so I decided to go to the ER to see if they could help. I had done this once before (when I was originally diagnosed), and it had proven to be helpful other than the fact I was left walking home at 11:30pm, down the side of a highway, and partially intoxicated from the med they gave me (via IV). What I couldn't/wouldn't have expected is what happened this time. I had spoken with the ER Dr, and she wanted me to see the behavioral health (BH) person on duty. The BH lady spent a whopping five or so minutes talking to me. Of course she had asked if I had thoughts of hurting myself. I said I had had a "couple fleeting thoughts" (which to me means they left as soon as they came), and of course she proceeded to ask me if I had a plan. I had shared with her that "IF (emphasized) I did anything it would be.......". The BH lady took that and ran. While I can see why she would be concerned she didn't ask if I would be safe if I were to go home that night (which I definitely would have cuz I was REALLY looking forward to my oldest sons bday the next day!!!), nor did she ask me how likely I would be to actually do it which are questions the crisis team thru the mental health center I go to typically ask. She simply heard those two things, and came to HER OWN conclusions. That's when my world begun to come undone!! I didn't know what was going on once she left. She did ask me if I had to go somewhere if I had a preference of where I'd like to go for treatment, and I told her the place (which is actually a residential treatment place - NOT like a hospital at all). I also told her they know my history, and we had worked together before. I'm still sitting on the bed confused as to what was going on. I couldn't understand why she would be asking about a place to go when I was just there cuz of my anxiety. I was basically left out of the loop, MOST of the time, during the remainder of my time there. Periodically she would tell me she was checking on things, and they had me change ER rooms, too. I was told I would be going somewhere, but not as to why hence I remained confused. On a couple different occasions the BH lady had come in to report a couple things. The first time she told me she had spoken with the crisis team thru the mental health center I receive services at, and the BH lady told me that she told them 'not to bother coming. (She) had it handled'. Now keep in mind the crisis team is significantly more thorough in their questioning, and they don't make their decisions individually. They actually consult with the supervisor several times before making any final decision. I was later told that there is NO doubt they would have just sent me home that night. The second thing she came in to tell me was that there was no bed at the place I had requested. I learned a few days later that she had actually LIED to me about that because there had actually been a bed available!! However, she said she would check to see if there was a place like the one I mentioned. Now there is no place like that anywhere else in the country, and I know this, but thought maybe she was thinking about sending me to one of the new respite places (which again are NOT like hospitals). That's about as close to a place like the one I had mentioned, but much later she came in to tell me the hospital she had arranged for me to go to. All I could think is that a hospital is NOTHING like either of the options I was thinking of.