Well.. I'm not writting this nessicarily for advice.. I just wanted to write.. I've been having a lot going on in my head.. Been off meds a year now.. I feel like I'm selfish a lot of the time when I end up getting into rants because of certain subjects.. And I feel like when I'm ranting I'm in some kind of state where my anger takes control.. For New Years my ex gf was over.. and tbh I was so confused and it hurt me so much.. More then I really want to talk about here.. Recently my job changed locations until they re-locate to the new one.. And because I am on the bus system I can't get to work.. Same day I called my supervisor to tell her I couldn't work it.. (And she kinda yelled at me saying "Its not my reponsibility to get you to work," not that I was asking for that) I got a phone call from the place I was reffered to for my new therapist.. And the therapist apparently quit... so.. I have no refferal.. and my other therapist already closed me.. So now I am going to call my pcp for a visit and maybe a referal on monday.. We have to come up with rent next month.. And also look into moving either into an appartment or get a loan and into a house.. witch actually looks better because the loan payment for some we found was cheaper then a 2bd for rent.. And idk.. I origionally wanted to talk to a new therapist about my gender dysphoria.. But I've also been having some problems with my emotions.. When my ex gf was here I ended up SH-ing.. And since have continued thinking about it and wanting to again.. I Haven't SH-ed in a very long time.. And recently.. I have been going thru rapid changes in mood.. I try and be positive about life.. and then I get frusterated in bursts about the world and bs.. Usually short periods of time.. I feel like no one listens to me.. I feel like there are people on here who dislike me.. or have something against me.. I look back and regret so much I've said and am afraid to say anything for fear of regretting more.. I feel like chat here has become a playground and no one cares about anyone else much anymore.. And those who do are few.. I talk to people on other places.. and they are all dealing with things.. I don't want to put more burden on them.. but it feels like no one else will listen.. I talk to my roomies about my frustration too.. but they also are all dealing with their own issues.. It's stressful for us all.. I hide behind a facade of simply ok, or not talking at all.. When maybe I'm seriously hurting inside.. I feel like I'm in a world full of robot zombies.. none of them seeing what really is going on with this world.. I feel alone.. like I'm on a seperate level.. and no one cares.. And no one else can be on that level.. I do want those people to know they do help me a lot.. And you know who you are.. That talk to me almost daily.. I'm paranoid.. a bit.. about seeing a new therapist.. I'm afraid of telling them what I really feel and think right now because I don't want to be forced meds.. or locked up.. Or brainwashed.. But at the same time I'm not sure how far these bursts will go.. this frustration that bursts in and completely change my entire mood..