I'm recently divorced, and I lost custody of my kids in a big way. I'll spare the details of what happened, but it's been so incredibly difficult to deal with. Immediately after I received the decision, I was so devastated that I almost completely shut down. That was a month ago, and back then I was so close to ending it...if I had found the <mod edit - methods> I was looking for one day, I would have done it then. The crux of my mood, of my thoughts of suicide are simply that living without my kids in my life (I do have every other weekend) is almost unbearable. In spite of what the judge says in the decree, I was the primary caregiver. I was there 7 days a week taking care of them. Now, I have 98 hours a month with them. There is a custody appeal on the horizon, so there is a microscopic bit of hope. Tonight, the suicidal thoughts returned. I think of the<mod edit- methods>under the bed, of the <mod edit- methods> I forgot about that's hiding in my truck's center console. I can't get it out of my head. Tonight is not the night. I have to wait. Wait until I know for sure I've lost my kids for good. And for what reason?