Recently married... having trouble already

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by CanoeGirl, Apr 10, 2012.

  1. CanoeGirl

    CanoeGirl Member

    I know that problems are normal in relationships. Me and my husband fight like every day, always about something different. In the vast majority of cases, I don't mean it to be a fight, I just disagree with him or ask him to do something or change something or let him know how I feel, and he habitually feels attacked - and then snaps at me. And then I get upset at him for snapping at me when I didn't do anything wrong. Nearly every time this happens, I end up by myself, crying, wishing that I were dead, because life more pain than pleasure on a habitual basis, and I feel very disconnected from him and alone and miserable. And as time goes on, wishing that I were dead started taking form into thoughts of how I could do it, though I also think my family and friends would be very upset and sad if I did. I don't want it to be this way.
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Eccentric writer, general weirdo, heedless heathen

    Can you try to discuss things without arguing with each other? Just try to discuss things calmly and hopefully that will help. If he is always snapping for no reason, then the problem is with him. You don't need that stress in your life. You should just tell him how it makes you feel and see if you can work things out.
  3. CanoeGirl

    CanoeGirl Member

    Believe me, I try as hard as I can to discuss things and not have it be a fight. But he always feels belittled or attacked, no matter how I phrase anything. And after fights I ask him stuff like "what did I say that made you feel attacked" and then he quotes something that I said quite sincerely and nicely, and explains how he deduced from that that I didnt trust me, or was criticizing him, or was saying that everything else he does doesn't count, or whatnot. And I try phrasing things in a way that he doesn't feel attacked, and he still does, even when I notice that he is getting upset and I tell him specifically that im not trying to criticise or attack him. And then he says "Riiight." And I say "No really, I'm not. Im not trying to make you feel attacked here." And then he says "Then how come you are ragging on me and poking at me?" His answers always include metaphors like that - Pushing him away, starting a fight, poking, pushing, prodding, ragging on, bitching about, etc - which means that I brought up a topic and he felt attacked no matter how I brought it up.

    But I can't fix him. Not completely. I think he gets triggered a lot and thats why he has some sort of persecution complex. But my problem is that this happens a lot, and then I feel alone and trapped and miserable and think to myself that death is better than life, once he's angry and i feel alienated and im alone crying.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It's a well known fact that the first year of marriage can be hell.
    You are both adjusting to living with each other and finding your feet as a couple.

    Try to find a time to actaully just sit and discuss things.
    Don't try to do it when things are heated and don't go at it as a "you did this" or "you didn't do this" modus operandi.
    Instead, try to make it a conversation where u both get to say what you expect from the other one and (a word you will come to know and loathe) COMPROMISE!

    I can remember when the sight of a pair of dirty socks left on the floor, had me tearing my hair out.
    Finally I put a laundry basket in the bedroom and the socks stopped being dropped on the floor.
    It wasn't really the socks that were the problem, it was the whole adjustment factor.