Recently turned 30. No career, single, few friends, suffering psychological pain

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Suicidal_psycho, Jun 27, 2015.

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  1. Suicidal_psycho

    Suicidal_psycho New Member

    Hi I'm new to the forum. I just lost my third job in 6 months. I turned 30 at the beginning of June. I can't seem to earn an income. I can't even work a minimum wage job. I live with my crippled mother and my distant father. I have a history of neglect and abuse at the hands of my parents. I'm basically the black sheep of the family. I have a bachelors degree that took me 8 years to earn because I was expelled from college on an accusation of sexual misconduct, had to go to another school and repeat a lot of courses in order to earn a worthless degree. My sisters whom were not abused physically, went on to have fantastic academic careers, earning advanced degrees and forming healthy relationships. They both have boyfriends whom they will likely marry and I'm still single with no dating or career prospects. I had given up on dating and the hope of finding a girlfriend. I was optimistic if I eliminated women from my life I could just live the single life and finally become financially independent but after being fired for the third time this year I'm seriously considering suicide as my best option.

    I suffer from numerous mental and emotional problems dyslexia being the worst. I suffer from a form of dyslexia involving numbers. For example at my last restaurant job I was tasked with delivering the food to the table for the servers. I would be told "take this to table 24." but instead my brain will interpret it at table 42. It's really the most confidence destroying thing as I'm never sure if my brain is sending my incorrect signals. It also happens with colors as well. Whenever I try to talk about it people just give me suggestions of what I should do instead of listening and showing empathy. Drugs and therapy don't work because the problem is isn't psychological it's neurological. My psychological symptoms are a result of the anxiety that my dyslexia causes me. To those who say suicide is not a solution I disagree. My problem is in my brain. Nothing is going to fix what's wrong with me. The anxiety it causes makes even a simple job nearly impossible for me. I can't count money or do much of anything related to having a job.

    I'm also dependent on ADD medication because it was prescribed to me as a child. I'm also emotionally dependent on my mother though I realize she has made me into a cripple of a man. I hate her and I wish she would just die quickly because even though it was my father who hurt me physically as a child it was my mother who squashed any attempt I made at independence. Any idea I had for what I wanted to do in life was shot down by my mother. I did what she said I should do. I went to school, took the drugs, graduated college, and now I can't hold a job. She's an old woman now and she expects me to be independent and be a man but I've never learned any life skills. She has no more suggestions for me other than to get a job and continue working until I can pay my own bills. I feel like a complete loser and I want to kill myself. The only good things I have in life are being above average in looks and being endowed with a large penis. I've also been used by women sexually so I feel that I have been through something similar to rape. My former accusers have also stalked and harassed me. I deleted my social media profiles and changed my phone number so none of the people from my past can contact me. I was labeled as a creep and so I don't want those people to be able to contact me. I have some acquaintances but they all have relationships and people in their lives.

    Anyway that's me. Just a pathetic excuse for a man. I don't know if I will be alive in the next few weeks or not. I need to clean my room, itemize my belonging, and donate my belongings before I can think about ending it so that gives me some time to think things over.

  2. Prinnctopher's Belt

    Prinnctopher's Belt Antiquities Friend SF Supporter

    As long as youre alive theres always a chance for redemption. Death is easy but also robs you of that chance.

    You sound like me in some ways but Im no longer suicidal, although I deal with similar obstacles - 30's, single with no options, no career, family fucked me over, no social life. I have found that therapy is helpful to get different perspectives.

    There are lots of people who deal with dyslexia who managed to become successful, so its not an absolute barrier unless you let it become one. Im not too knowledgeable about this but there may be professionals who help specifically with people who have dyslexia with numbers. It may be something worth looking into.

    As for the rest, everything can be changed, and everything broken can be fixed. As long as theres a prospect for change to happen, and there appears to be in your circumstance, how true is it that death is the best or only option? Its not exactly something you can come back from if its a mistake, unlike the past.
  3. Bob45

    Bob45 New Member

    I knew they'd be loads of people with much bigger problems then I. My mains are stess at work caused my multiple redundancies (I'm still there though) and lonliness/boredom. I cannot really imagine what's it's like for you
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    It is not important what is the "cause" of psychological symptoms, drugs and therapy are to treat symptoms- not effect cures. There are no "cures" for most mental illnesses- simply addressing symptoms until you can function in a way that allows a decent quality of life. I also have to agree with an above reply that dyslexia is not at all uncommon and there are strategies used by many to cope successfully, but most do require help and training from a therapist/professional. Dependency on drugs is equally common- and getting off them requires discipline and professional help if you believe they are causing problems- but it is in no way insurmountable.

    When you look at 10 problems at once it all feels insurmountable and too big- but if you break them down and deal with them one at a time it is not. I really hope you try to look at the list of problems you decide to work on on or two of them at a time until they shrink to a level that can be dealt with so you have the opportunity to have a decent life.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Hiya, SP!

    I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. And I'm really impressed that in spite of your troubles at home and with dyslexia, you got your degree! That's a huge achievement - whether the degree itself is worthwhile or "worthless" in day-to-day life. (By the way, a lot of people - with and without dyslexia - end up with a degree in an area that is not "worth" much in practical terms. Many people find that the experience of going to college was "worthwhile" in its own right.)

    Dyslexia is a rough disorder because it affects language and literacy (including numeracy), and so much of life these days seems based on being able to use text. Sadly, many people with dyslexia (and other learning disorders) get wrongly labeled as stupid or lazy, yet they might have fantastic intellects...Being negatively labeled affects how a person might feel about him/herself. That can result in low self-esteem and depression.

    Some people with learning disorders develop their own little ways to compensate. Since you got through college, I imagine you likely have a number of compensation strategies up your sleeve yourself - maybe you don't realize how skilled you actually are. :)

    There are learning disorder organizations that can offer support and more tips for children and adults with dyslexia and other learning challenges. Some of them have workshops and lectures, and maybe support groups that might be helpful. Perhaps you could find a local branch that offers workshops for adults? (I found Learning Disabilities Association of America at this link. Maybe it's a place to start?)

    I understand what you mean that meds won't change the neurological basis of "dyslexia" - but meds can help with the anxiety and depression that might result from feeling stressed because of dyslexia. Meds help some people feel more able to cope with the challenges they face. Also, it seems that you're facing some tough memories and feelings about your upbringing and current situation. Sometimes a counselor can help with things like that - a person who will listen and you can talk openly with him/her about your experiences.

    NYJmpMaster makes a good point that we can feel overwhelmed if we look at a lot of issues all at once, but that taking them one or two at a time can make things more manageable.

    I think you have already overcome some very big challenges to get where you are today. I hope that you can see them as successes and reasons to keep going. I agree with Prinnctopher's Belt that change is possible. If you figure out what you want to change/improve, then you could build a plan to make it happen. One step at a time...You got through school, you succeeded in spite of negative parents and dyslexia. I think you have lots of successes that demonstrate you can manage now and in the future, too. :)
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