Recently turned 30. No career, single, few friends, suffering psychological pain

Hi I'm new to the forum. I just lost my third job in 6 months. I turned 30 at the beginning of June. I can't seem to earn an income. I can't even work a minimum wage job. I live with my crippled mother and my distant father. I have a history of neglect and abuse at the hands of my parents. I'm basically the black sheep of the family. I have a bachelors degree that took me 8 years to earn because I was expelled from college on an accusation of sexual misconduct, had to go to another school and repeat a lot of courses in order to earn a worthless degree. My sisters whom were not abused physically, went on to have fantastic academic careers, earning advanced degrees and forming healthy relationships. They both have boyfriends whom they will likely marry and I'm still single with no dating or career prospects. I had given up on dating and the hope of finding a girlfriend. I was optimistic if I eliminated women from my life I could just live the single life and finally become financially independent but after being fired for the third time this year I'm seriously considering suicide as my best option.

I suffer from numerous mental and emotional problems dyslexia being the worst. I suffer from a form of dyslexia involving numbers. For example at my last restaurant job I was tasked with delivering the food to the table for the servers. I would be told "take this to table 24." but instead my brain will interpret it at table 42. It's really the most confidence destroying thing as I'm never sure if my brain is sending my incorrect signals. It also happens with colors as well. Whenever I try to talk about it people just give me suggestions of what I should do instead of listening and showing empathy. Drugs and therapy don't work because the problem is isn't psychological it's neurological. My psychological symptoms are a result of the anxiety that my dyslexia causes me. To those who say suicide is not a solution I disagree. My problem is in my brain. Nothing is going to fix what's wrong with me. The anxiety it causes makes even a simple job nearly impossible for me. I can't count money or do much of anything related to having a job.

I'm also dependent on ADD medication because it was prescribed to me as a child. I'm also emotionally dependent on my mother though I realize she has made me into a cripple of a man. I hate her and I wish she would just die quickly because even though it was my father who hurt me physically as a child it was my mother who squashed any attempt I made at independence. Any idea I had for what I wanted to do in life was shot down by my mother. I did what she said I should do. I went to school, took the drugs, graduated college, and now I can't hold a job. She's an old woman now and she expects me to be independent and be a man but I've never learned any life skills. She has no more suggestions for me other than to get a job and continue working until I can pay my own bills. I feel like a complete loser and I want to kill myself. The only good things I have in life are being above average in looks and being endowed with a large penis. I've also been used by women sexually so I feel that I have been through something similar to rape. My former accusers have also stalked and harassed me. I deleted my social media profiles and changed my phone number so none of the people from my past can contact me. I was labeled as a creep and so I don't want those people to be able to contact me. I have some acquaintances but they all have relationships and people in their lives.

Anyway that's me. Just a pathetic excuse for a man. I don't know if I will be alive in the next few weeks or not. I need to clean my room, itemize my belonging, and donate my belongings before I can think about ending it so that gives me some time to think things over.

-Tom

 

As long as youre alive theres always a chance for redemption. Death is easy but also robs you of that chance.

You sound like me in some ways but Im no longer suicidal, although I deal with similar obstacles - 30's, single with no options, no career, family fucked me over, no social life. I have found that therapy is helpful to get different perspectives.

There are lots of people who deal with dyslexia who managed to become successful, so its not an absolute barrier unless you let it become one. Im not too knowledgeable about this but there may be professionals who help specifically with people who have dyslexia with numbers. It may be something worth looking into.

As for the rest, everything can be changed, and everything broken can be fixed. As long as theres a prospect for change to happen, and there appears to be in your circumstance, how true is it that death is the best or only option? Its not exactly something you can come back from if its a mistake, unlike the past.

 

I knew they'd be loads of people with much bigger problems then I. My mains are stess at work caused my multiple redundancies (I'm still there though) and lonliness/boredom. I cannot really imagine what's it's like for you