Reckless death-inviting behaviour. (triggering)

(note to DanniBoi: best not to read this one. most likely be triggering for you. been warned like).

I'm not suicidal constantly nowadays as I used to be, I just have my occasional severely suicidal dips, usually triggered by something stupid, and partial dissociation, where I am cut off from whatever hurts and I am spaced out and generally a bit "not there".

However, despite this, I have gone on what appears to be a reckless streak. I have been smoking (which is the complete opposite of what I stand for - my nanna died of cancer and I hate smoking for it). I invited a guy over to my house who I met once in a nightclub, and took a ride on the back of his motorbike, having never been on one before, wearing a helmet and no protective gear, urging him to go faster and faster until he was doing 90MPH in a 50 zone. I have been drinking a lot (going from total abstinence due to pregnancy, yet now, post-miscarriage, I drink more often than I have done before). I drank so much on Saturday that I scratched the hell out of my arm, leaving what looks like a rash of dot-sized scabs. I also tried to slit my wrists because I got so bad.

The same friend who stopped me from cutting my wrists has either multiple personality/dissociative identity disorder, or psychosis, has a psychopathic homicidal alternate personality who has tried to kill/hurt me on multiple occasions. Yesterday, I was reckless to the point where I let this personality tie me down, literally tear the clothes off me, have complete sexual control over me and allowed/begged him to fuck/hit/bite me to the point that the pain was so extreme that I had to dissociate to stop myself screaming from the agony. Yet still somehow it wasn't enough and I tried to anger him even more by calling him a pussy and taunting him until it got to the point where he was going to kill me and the friend had to force him out and regain control. He told me that the personality had been going to kill me, and by this point I was so dissociated that I just laughed, and said "let him try".

Even knowing that this personality WANTS to and has TRIED to kill me, I would let him do it again. And this time he wants to have a knife, and to cut me. And I will let him, and have indeed been urging him to randomly take over and force himself on me, even if I say no at the time, because a rape fantasy doesn't seem to do it, I want the real thing and I want the rush of danger and possibility of death.

Can't even remember why I started to post this now. Just wondering how messed up this is because it really feels normal to me but I don't know if I'm going wayyyy past boundaries of what is reasonably safe.

K x

 

Do you think in someway you are inadvertadly trying to punish yourself for something that wasn't your fault?

I can't imagine what it would be like to have a miscarriage. You have my sympathy though. Have you spoke to anyone about it? Is it quite recent and is the behaviour you exhibit now coming about since your loss?

I hope you can find the strength to get some professional help.

xxxx

 

I went for help with depression in August to the GP and am still awaiting some form of help. 4 months til I get CBT. I do not think I am trying to punish myself I just actually don't care about myself anymore. I have been masochistic in the past but not this bad.